Not related to pregnancy at all...LONG

[freedak]

I didn't know who else to ask this, so I thought I would ask you guys. I'm a little depressed over something that happened recently, and I'm looking for input. I'm NOT necessarily looking for blatant patronization--I'm looking for real opinions.

What do you expect of your friends, in terms of commitment? I'm not really talking about your BEST friend(s), but just regular ol' friends? I had two *best* friends who were planning to throw my baby shower together, and one of them backed out about 6 weeks beforehand because she was "too busy." Okay, that hurt at little, but at least she gave the other friend plenty of warning. She also found a replacement, so to speak. She asked another of my friends (just a "regular ol' friend" type) that she knows if she would mind taking over her responsibilities. That friend agreed, but I gave her several opportunities for an "out." I said (verbatim), "Sara, that's very nice of you, but please don't worry about it! I know you have a lot going on, and you don't need this added stress. Chris' little sister said she would love to help if she was needed." She said over and over again how much she would love to do this for me, and that her goal was to get little Ella all the "stuff" she needed.

As I mentioned, she's not like a best friend. We worked together last school year, and we still talked off and on, but not regularly...maybe every 3 weeks or so. Long story short--she backed out of my baby shower THREE HOURS beforehand! She was supposed to supply several components from food to activities, and poor Rebecca (who was incredibly ill, btw) had to pull everything together on her own. Rebecca kept me totally shielded from this during the baby shower, but I initiated conversation about it afterward. Chris also talked to her, and this was generally the reason Sara had given for backing out: I hadn't been a good enough friend lately. I hadn't reached out to do things with her, and I hadn't called her enough. The added reasons she gave were that her DH and DS were both sick, and she had to take care of them. That one--I understand. However, I called her the next day to ask how her family was doing since they had been ill, and she gave the impression that they really hadn't been that sick. She was perfectly nice during the conversation--she talked for over 30 mins! But she didn't mention the shower a single time. Not to ask how it went, if there was a good turnout...nothing. I didn't even know what to say!

I will admit, I probably HADN'T been an overly-enthusiastic friend lately. We just moved, I'm 9 months pregnant, and I am about an hour away from all my friends. I'm not the greatest at returning phone calls, but everyone knows that and we even joke about it. I just don't understand why she at least wouldn't have backed out a few days earlier to give Rebecca extra warning. I feel REALLY badly for Rebecca, even though she is so proud of the shower she threw and swears it was no big deal.

So...I guess there are really no questions here after all. I think I really just wanted to vent this, and I didn't know where else to do it. It also hurts doubly badly since TWO friends backed out. Do I have flaky friends, or am I the flaky one?

[audsma]

I'm so sorry for the drama of this being a weight on you at this point in time. As one who is flaky, with a ton of flaky friends, I chalk it up to our generation just not having some sense of commitment the way prior generations did. I don't know the contributing factors of this, but it's something I've often observed.

Don't blame yourself. Her behavior is something she should be ashamed of. I've been in your spot before, not for a baby shower, but for my bachelorette party. My bridesmaid did essentially the same thing to me-- stood me up on the night before my wedding, so my maid of honor and I just hung out really low key instead of doing the partying thing. It sucks to have people do that to you. I'm sorry it happened to you.

[lovemysunshine]

I agree that what she did was irresponsible; it doesn't matter how much of a good friend she felt you had been lately, she agreed to help out and she completely flaked! Not only that, but it didn't just affect you, but your other friend who had to pick up her slack with no warning. Not okay.

I'm not great at returning phone calls either and have been putting off meeting up with a couple of very old friends (but not super close anymore either due to drifting apart some over the years). It's not intentional, but I'm just so busy these days with my kids and other responsibilities that it isn't happening. So I understand your position.

I think you should have a talk with this friend and let her know that you are at the end of pg and this is a time where women tend to withdraw into themselves to focus on their upcoming birth. To focus on this new member about to be welcomed into your family. You didn't intentionally "shun" her or what have you, but you do have a lot on your mind right now. She, as a mother, should understand this. If she can't, maybe she isn't really that good of a friend?

Good luck mama; it's hard with friends, isn't it?

[freedak]

Thank you, mamas, for your responses. I've been moping around all day because of this situation, and I feel like I'm on the verge of tears constantly (oh, those lovely pregnancy hormones). I wouldn't feel so bad about it if it hadn't affected Rebecca so negatively. I feel like some friends are very difficult to maintain, especially for women. DH has only a few friends, and he only talks to them a few times a year. However, they are really great friends, and they're always available to each other when needed. Is it just like this with men and women? Women tend to need more consistent contact, but men don't?