Did you feel like quitting?

[OrganicSister]

Everyone thinks I'm crazy. We went thru IVF, got a BFP and miscarried sometime in the last week (between week 5 and 6). We have about 15 or 16 frozen embryos and our IVF package includes two additional transfers at no additional cost. Our RE said it would be about 2 months from now that we would be looking at another transfer.

But I really don't want to do it. Everyone says the "hardest part" is over and I won't have to do any more major meds. But the meds were a cake walk compared to this. Dealing with this miscarriage has been much harder than I thought it could be. And I just don't want to go thru it again.

Everyone, including the RE, is sure it's gonna work next time - I won't be coming down off of hyper-stim, and our odds are yada yada. But I don't feel that confidence. At all. In fact, from almost the beginning I had a bad feeling about it all. I know it's like the chicken and the egg: Did I have a bad feeling bc it wasn't gonna work or did it not work bc I was so stressed out from this bad feeling?

I don't know. I just don't feel like we're on the right track. I don't feel like there is a little baby waiting for us. So we may transfer all these embryos and they may all fail cuz there is no one to occupy them, ya know? I don't want to go thru it again. I'm drowning in so many emotions and doubts and guilt. It's been almost 6 years! To come this close only to face one more heartbreak...dealing with the guilt, the fear, the worry, the pain...I feel like trampled horse sh*t.

My husband is upset that I'm "quitting". My mom says "we've come this far"...Am I crazy to want to stop? Will this fear go away? Did anyone feel like there wasn't a baby waiting for them? I just don't think I can reign in these feelings enough to muster up the courage to keep going. Is it stupid to stop now?

[Ellien C]

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time right now. I don't know much about it, but I can tell you that your hormones are RAGING (anyone's would be). This isn't a decision you need to make right now. You need a break for sure - you've got the 2 months wait and more if you need it. Of course you can't imagine going through this again right now - you simply aren't ready. But your opinions might change or they might not. Just give yourself some time and space. Acknowledge where you are right now without predicting how you will feel in the future. "From where I sit, at this moment, I just can't imagine doing this again." And leave it at that.

[Dena]

Of course you feel like trampled horse s***. I think that is perfectly normal, considering all you have been through.

There is no "stupid" and no "wrong" in these circumstances. I miscarried our first, also concieved through IVF, and it took me two years to even want to consider IVF again. I got my second BFP, in fact, two years to the date I found out I had miscarried. And yeah, there were many many times that I felt we were on the wrong track or that there was just no baby out there for us. Even after having one, I still felt that way about number two. Therapy helped. Meditation helped. Yoga helped. And, believe it or not, a couple of readings with a really good psychic helped. But that is me - everyone has a different path. The bottom line is, though, you need to be gentle with yourself for awhile, and you don't need to make any decisions right. this. minute. It can wait. Your little embies aren't going anywhere.

Keep in mind that one, you are going through an intense grieving process. Not only are you grieving your loss, but you are grieving that the success you did have was so very dearly bought, and not just with money. Take your time working through your grief. Get help with it if you need to.

Two, it can take time for the hormones, pregnancy and otherwise to leave your body and stop messing with your mind. Give yourself a couple - three weeks for your body to even begin to recover. It is by no means instant.

Sure, everyone around you is ready to move on - they haven't been through quite what you have, and it is not their bodies on the line. Remind dh and your mom that you have been through a lot physically as well as emotionally, and you need time to recover. Also, your dh will grieve differently than you do. Men tend to want to fix things, and getting you pg again ASAP may "fix" the loss in his mind.

In short, I guess imo, the best thing to do right now is... nothing. You don't have to make any decisions right now. Not moving forward is not the same as quitting, it is merely acknowledging that you need to heal first.

[Julia'sMom]

Tara - Big, big <<<<hugs>>> to you. The grief is so fresh right now, and yes, the hormones are still raging. Your feelings are normal and expected.

I have wanted to quit several times. After the ER (which was horrendous for me), I vowed to never do IVF again. When we discovered it was twins, we were terrified and blamed the IVF for the higher risk pregnancy and the difficult babyhood we were anticipating. When I miscarried, we still blamed the IVF. After all, without it we probably wouldn't have had twins and if it weren't twins, we might have made it. At the end of the pregnancy (bedrest in an attempt to save one) I was sure I didn't want to do it again. I either wanted to give up on more children or look at adoption.

However, now only a few more weeks out, I am ready to move onward. I have decided that I do want a child bad enough to go through the ivf heck again. Now it's just a matter of waiting until the RE will see me again, at least 2 more months. Am I still scared? You better believe it. We have so many questions for the RE before starting and I'm sure the cycle will be a lot more difficult.

Take the time you need and don't make any decisions now. First, you need to allow the drugs (which took at least 4-5 weeks post transfer before I was sane) and the pregnancy hormones to simmer down. There is no rush to make this decision. I'm sure the RE will not make you start again in 2 months, but will wait until you are ready. If you aren't ever ready, that is your choice. If as time passes, you don't feel that this is right for you, then so be it.

If possible, try and get your dh to understand that you need to vent these feelings. You need to be supported and encouraged (even if not understood) as you go thru the grief and loss. If he doesn't get it, we are always here to lend a shoulder and listening ear.

[songbird45]

I haven't experienced pregnancy/miscarriage but my heart goes out to you. I feel like quitting at least a dozen times per cycle. You know what, take whatever time you need. Quitting does not need to be forever. You can quit for 6 months and then decide you want to come back. Just... take your time, and honor your feelings.

[LisaG]

Yes. Yes. Yes. After my first m/c I figured I'd "paid my dues" and it would be clear sailing. Then there was a 2nd. And my world came crashing down. I was laid flat.

I made a promise to myself one day when I was driving home from the office during my 2nd pregnancy. I had been spotting that day, I didn't know if it really was the end or not, but I was afraid, very afraid that it was. I made myself a promise as I was rounding this curve of the highway. I promised myself that I wouldn't quit, that I wouldn't give up. I had heard too many stories of women who had had 1 or 2 or 3 miscarriages and finally had a baby in their arms.

Over the years I have remembered that promise to myself. I have wondered if it really mattered if I kept it. I have thought that the person who made that promise was young and naive and didn't know how long and hard the road would be.

I had no idea if a baby was waiting for us. And the longer it went, the less I knew and the more it seemed like we were stuck on this merry-go-round of false hope and I had absolutely no idea if we'd ever get past this merry-go-round. It seemed like we'd spent so much time trying and hoping and chasing this carrot that I had no idea what it would be like anymore to finally reach it. I think one of the hardest things about IF is that it goes on for so long and you start to question yourself and doubt why you cared so much in the first place and you start to wonder, does having a baby really matter that much anyway? How long is someone supposed to keep hope alive with nothing to show for it?

I hope I never, ever have to go through another loss again. And I know that if I do, it will be hard and horrible and my heart will break. But I will be ok and eventually my heart will heal. For me, and only for me, I didn't want my decision of whether or not to continue to be based on fear. I didn't want to miss out on something wonderful because I was afraid of having my heart broken. If I was tired and done and had nothing more, that was my valid reason to quit. But not out of fear. We moved on to IVF because I had nothing left to give for trying on our own. I couldn't do it anymore. 4 1/2 years, 1 uterine reconstruction, 2 lap/hyst, 2 10 week m/c, 2 d&c, tests, tests and more tests. I was done and needed to call in the big guns if we were going to continue.

I don't know what's the right choice for you Tara. Only you do and I agree with everyone else that now is not the time to decide. Now is the time to grieve and be gentle with yourself.

[crystal-mommy]

I am so sorry for your loss! I have never had a m/c, I cant imagine your pain. I agree w/ everyone else, right now is not the time to have to make decisions about future procedures. But @ the same time don't limit your future options. You could make an appt for 2 months (so if you do change your mind in a month or so you don't have to wait until they have an opening for you).
but make your dh and mom aware that if YOU don't want to in 2 months you will cancel the appt. By no means am I saying you should be over this in 2 months- I am just the type of person that likes options. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself!!

[Masel]

If you do quit it isn't over. Please take time to mourn not just the miscarriage but you biological family building dreams.

I quit once. Part of it was from the outside things such as DH being laid off and frustrations with some doctor issues. I thought I was over it but here I am back again, with even older eggs and a louder clock. I did a lot of wonderful things in the meantime such as adopt my amazing daughter but the call was still there.

Take care of yourself. Maybe not worry about the future you at this moment.

[majorsky]

Originally Posted by OrganicSister

But I really don't want to do it.

I felt the same way after m/c. I fired my RE (she was insensitive about the loss) and took a long break, probably close to a year, from actively trying. It was devastating and I knew my risk of pregnancy loss was high after that, so I couldn't muster the courage to try again for a long time.

It may be that you need a vacation from trying (rather than quitting forever), and it's your decision regardless of what others want. If your gut says to take a break, then do it. M/c is real loss and you need time to grieve it appropriately. It's likely that down the line, you'll feel stronger and more ready to TTC again.

Kristin

[jasminewb]

Oh, Tara, your loss is breaking my heart too. I cycled with you in (in lurkdom) and had a chemical on my first IVF. I thought I was pg for a week and am still recovering now so I can not imagine the pain you are experiencing. I have had a hard time allowing myself to be sad but what I have recently realized is that the most important thing is to do what is RIGHT for you RIGHT NOW. Try to forget every expectation and notion of what you think you are supposed to do or feel and just heal yourself and your heart in the moment as you need to. How you do that? Well I don't know but if you do...let me know!

I am wondering how long this pain will last and how long I am allow/supposed to grieve before moving forward. I think that question will be answered when we are ready. Again, do what feels right, when you can.
Much love and many prayers,
Jasmine