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Heavy smoker hosting baby shower ((with kids))  

post #1 of 59
10/16/08 at 5:45pm
Thread Starter 
*******This post is Not flaming smokers!!!*******Just wanted to say that!

Ok, so we are getting close to the birth of Bryson (she is 37 weeks) and the mothers mom is throwing a baby shower for us at her home which is supposed to take place this Saturday.
The grandmother, I've known since I'm known my friend..she's always been a heavy smoker so today it dawned on me to ask J if her mom , whose hosting the shower, is gonna be smoking inside of the house. She said "Yes. Its her house" . I replied that I am aware she can make those decisions in her home, however she is hosting an event in her home where she knows kids will be (i am bringing mine) and that I, under no circumstances, let my children around 2nd hand smoke (if it can be avoided) in closed in areas. Outside is fine, but not indoors. All she said after that was "o". And we havent said anything since. Its not me, even though I do not smoke, I have friends and family that smoke, so I can handle it. I'm just saying that for me and MY family, we try to keep our children from that.

so the shower is in 2 days...and now, honestly, I'm upset and don't want to go because I don't want to put my kids in that.
No, we dont have a sitter. We really don't hire people to watch our kids. Usually is family and CLOSE friends and as of this weekend no one is available.

My kids' health and wellbeing come FIRST. Before anyone.

So be honest....am I being unreasonable for declining to attend ?

I haven't declined, yet but I think we may have to if her mother decides she is going to smoke anyway. I know alot of people try to accommodate to the mother to keep her happy and from changing her mind even if it goes against their beliefs or what have you, however I won't do that, especially if its a health issue for my children. I feel like if she wants to parent, she will and nothing will change that and that the best way to go about this is honesty.

What do we do?
post #2 of 59
10/16/08 at 5:58pm
I think it would be terribly inconsiderate for her to smoke, even in her own house, while she's hosting a party for an expectant mother and children. Personally, I think that's really selfish. I would make sure there's no smoking in the house before I attend.
post #3 of 59
10/16/08 at 6:01pm
Just what pp wrote.

I wouldn't go because I hate the smell of smoke and wouldn't let myself or my kids get trapped inside with it. Her house or not, she shouldn't smoke when hosting a gathering.
post #4 of 59
10/16/08 at 6:05pm
Thread Starter 
I agree and the shower is only a couple hours! I thought she'd be able to put down the smokes for atleast a couple hrs or go outside while the shower is going on, but its looking like maybe not.But she smokes a lot and smokes one right after another, its always been like that, and thats fine. But not for my kids, I can't do it.
post #5 of 59
10/16/08 at 6:12pm
Could you talk to the person hosting yourself? Maybe "I really appreciate you throwing a shower, but my kids don't tolerate smoke very well. Would it be possible for you to smoke outside during the shower? We would really appreciate it."

I don't think that you should do something you aren't comfortable with, but you could give her a chance to accommodate you. Maybe it wouldn't be a big deal for her.
post #6 of 59
10/16/08 at 6:17pm
I have grappled with a similar thing....would love to know what others think. I have one good friend who smokes and she never smokes inside her own house, because of the kids. My daughter met this lovely little girl but her mom smokes inside their house, and so, I can't let her go over to that house and play. I feel awkward about it, but that's the way it is. It's forced me into making it into sort of a family policy.
post #7 of 59
10/16/08 at 6:17pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsAprilMay View Post
Could you talk to the person hosting yourself? Maybe "I really appreciate you throwing a shower, but my kids don't tolerate smoke very well. Would it be possible for you to smoke outside during the shower? We would really appreciate it."

I don't think that you should do something you aren't comfortable with, but you could give her a chance to accommodate you. Maybe it wouldn't be a big deal for her.
yea,I agree with you I should. To be honest, I don't feel comfortable asking her that in her own home. I really don't. I think J is gonna ask her. I don't want her to think I'm disrespecting her. I just wanted to know if its possible to stop smoking or go out for a couple hrs saturday...
post #8 of 59
10/16/08 at 7:55pm
I'll take the dissenting opinion here.

This is the biological grandmother of the child you're hoping to adopt, right? And this shower is sort of the start of your open adoption relationship with the new baby and the baby's family?

Prioritize.

A smooth start to the relationship is WAY more important than whether or not your children are in an adjoining room to someone who smokes a cigarette or two.

I don't feel like you're in any kind of position to be drawing lines in the sand with Bryson's family at this point. I think they could take it the wrong way (I probably would) and be really put off by your demands.

If it is SO important to you that your children don't inhale secondhand smoke for a couple of hours (and hey...I get that...I don't let my kids around it either), then YOU'RE the person that needs to bend right now. Find a sitter. Find a relative. Find a way for your children not to attend.

Do you see what I mean? This family is about to welcome you into their lives, and share a child with you. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, yk?
post #9 of 59
10/16/08 at 8:08pm
I wouldn't go. Not in a million years am I taking my kids into a house with someone smoking in it. (I wouldn't go when pregnant either.)
I really think it's very selfish of the grandmother to not be able to go outside for a few hours, when she is hosting and there will be pregnant ppl and kids there.
post #10 of 59
10/16/08 at 8:09pm
Thread Starter 
Thank you for your response, RedOakMomma.

But, I stated in my op, she smokes and smokes...and smokes, and smokes. 1 ciggy? 2 even probably could be worked around, but she will be smoking the whole time. I've known her since I was 13. She has been the same way.

Idk just yet. I have no sitters, I tried that.
post #11 of 59
10/16/08 at 8:29pm
I'd really do my best to go. Is there a yard that the kids can play outside in?
post #12 of 59
10/16/08 at 8:47pm
I would go. Even if she isn't smoking there will be so much smoke and stink in the house from the chain smoking you won't really notice the actual smoking. I agree with ROM.
post #13 of 59
10/16/08 at 8:49pm
No you're not being unreasonable to decline. She is the one who should be considerate of other people's children not herself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by momz3 View Post
*******This post is Not flaming smokers!!!*******Just wanted to say that!

Ok, so we are getting close to the birth of Bryson (she is 37 weeks) and the mothers mom is throwing a baby shower for us at her home which is supposed to take place this Saturday.
The grandmother, I've known since I'm known my friend..she's always been a heavy smoker so today it dawned on me to ask J if her mom , whose hosting the shower, is gonna be smoking inside of the house. She said "Yes. Its her house" . I replied that I am aware she can make those decisions in her home, however she is hosting an event in her home where she knows kids will be (i am bringing mine) and that I, under no circumstances, let my children around 2nd hand smoke (if it can be avoided) in closed in areas. Outside is fine, but not indoors. All she said after that was "o". And we havent said anything since. Its not me, even though I do not smoke, I have friends and family that smoke, so I can handle it. I'm just saying that for me and MY family, we try to keep our children from that.

so the shower is in 2 days...and now, honestly, I'm upset and don't want to go because I don't want to put my kids in that.
No, we dont have a sitter. We really don't hire people to watch our kids. Usually is family and CLOSE friends and as of this weekend no one is available.

My kids' health and wellbeing come FIRST. Before anyone.

So be honest....am I being unreasonable for declining to attend ?

I haven't declined, yet but I think we may have to if her mother decides she is going to smoke anyway. I know alot of people try to accommodate to the mother to keep her happy and from changing her mind even if it goes against their beliefs or what have you, however I won't do that, especially if its a health issue for my children. I feel like if she wants to parent, she will and nothing will change that and that the best way to go about this is honesty.

What do we do?
post #14 of 59
10/16/08 at 8:58pm

I Would Attend

We've traveled in countries where smoking was very prevalent. In our case, I'd be a hypocrite if I refused to attend.

I would hope that she opts to not smoke during the shower. I would hope for a nice day so they can play outside, or so the windows might be opened.

I agree with RedOakMomma that the relationships trump second hand smoke here.
post #15 of 59
10/16/08 at 9:57pm
I agree with ROM entirely.
post #16 of 59
10/16/08 at 10:01pm
Have your DP stay home with the kids, you go and smile and be nice.

This IS an important relationship.
post #17 of 59
10/16/08 at 10:29pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedOakMomma View Post
I'll take the dissenting opinion here.

This is the biological grandmother of the child you're hoping to adopt, right? And this shower is sort of the start of your open adoption relationship with the new baby and the baby's family?

Prioritize.

A smooth start to the relationship is WAY more important than whether or not your children are in an adjoining room to someone who smokes a cigarette or two.

I don't feel like you're in any kind of position to be drawing lines in the sand with Bryson's family at this point. I think they could take it the wrong way (I probably would) and be really put off by your demands.

If it is SO important to you that your children don't inhale secondhand smoke for a couple of hours (and hey...I get that...I don't let my kids around it either), then YOU'RE the person that needs to bend right now. Find a sitter. Find a relative. Find a way for your children not to attend.

Do you see what I mean? This family is about to welcome you into their lives, and share a child with you. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, yk?

wow, I had no idea this was the OP's case, I agree with you. Prioritize.
post #18 of 59
10/16/08 at 10:57pm
My thought is which is worse? The 2 kids you already have being around second hand smoke for a few hours or you offending the family and them changing their minds and that baby being around second hand smoke his whole childhood.
post #19 of 59
10/16/08 at 11:01pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by KailuaMamatoMaya View Post
Have your DP stay home with the kids, you go and smile and be nice.

This IS an important relationship.
Without a doubt this is excellent advice. Making a small sacrifice for one afternoon could make a meaningful difference in the relationship you have with the biological family of your future child.
post #20 of 59
10/16/08 at 11:02pm
I think you should ask her directly and not take the word of someone else.
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