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Heavy smoker hosting baby shower ((with kids)) - Page 3  

post #41 of 59
10/18/08 at 9:24pm
Perhaps I'm missing something but why would someone give a baby shower for someone who is giving the child up for adoption? She will have no need of baby things as she will not be raising the child.

What am I not understanding/getting?
post #42 of 59
10/18/08 at 9:32pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satori View Post
Perhaps I'm missing something but why would someone give a baby shower for someone who is giving the child up for adoption? She will have no need of baby things as she will not be raising the child.

What am I not understanding/getting?
I believe that the shower is for the mom who is adopting the baby and is being hosted by the child's birth mom's family.
post #43 of 59
10/18/08 at 9:43pm
Calling MomZ3--I hope you let us know what happened!
post #44 of 59
10/18/08 at 10:54pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satori View Post
Perhaps I'm missing something but why would someone give a baby shower for someone who is giving the child up for adoption? She will have no need of baby things as she will not be raising the child.

What am I not understanding/getting?

a baby is always a reason to celebrate!! Besides, a shower is to show recognition and usher the birthing women into motherhood. She's a mother and deserves support and celebration whether she chooses to parent or not.

I hope the shower was fun, OP! :
post #45 of 59
10/18/08 at 11:20pm
I would not go. My dd had heart surgery, so I have a really good excuse. I cannot go into people's houses that even smell like smoke, even if they are not smoking.

We have to have christmas at a hotel with someone very close because of that.
post #46 of 59
10/18/08 at 11:41pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
I believe that the shower is for the mom who is adopting the baby and is being hosted by the child's birth mom's family.
The OP also stated that she's known the grandma since she was 13...so it sounds like these are close personal friends of hers, and they are comfortable enough to throw a baby shower for the Emom and the OP, with the gifts going to the baby (and if all goes according to the current plan, the future adoptive mom.)


Katherine
post #47 of 59
10/19/08 at 12:15pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by RedOakMomma View Post
I'll take the dissenting opinion here.

This is the biological grandmother of the child you're hoping to adopt, right? And this shower is sort of the start of your open adoption relationship with the new baby and the baby's family?

Prioritize.

A smooth start to the relationship is WAY more important than whether or not your children are in an adjoining room to someone who smokes a cigarette or two.

I don't feel like you're in any kind of position to be drawing lines in the sand with Bryson's family at this point. I think they could take it the wrong way (I probably would) and be really put off by your demands.

If it is SO important to you that your children don't inhale secondhand smoke for a couple of hours (and hey...I get that...I don't let my kids around it either), then YOU'RE the person that needs to bend right now. Find a sitter. Find a relative. Find a way for your children not to attend.

Do you see what I mean? This family is about to welcome you into their lives, and share a child with you. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, yk?
I agree 100%. It is your personal choice not to smoke and not to allow smoking in your home, I'm exactly the same. But when I go to the home of someone who DOES smoke it's their choice and their right to smoke in their home even if I'm there. They respect my home and I respect theirs, even if I don't like it. How important is it for you to be at this shower? I know it's hard, but it's only one event and I would be very cautious of offending them over something like this. JMHO
post #48 of 59
10/19/08 at 12:20pm
My dh smokes. OUTSIDE. NEVER IN THE HOUSE, and NEVER IN THE CAR.

I do not, repeat, do not, take my kids to the houses of (inside) smokers.
post #49 of 59
10/19/08 at 1:45pm
Just adding that I, too, would not, ever, take my child somewhere where they smoke inside.

I actually take it a step further - even when outside, and somebody comes up (too) close with a cigarette, I politely ask if they mind either smoking further away from us and/or putting it out.
post #50 of 59
10/20/08 at 12:21am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanethiel View Post
Just adding that I, too, would not, ever, take my child somewhere where they smoke inside.

I actually take it a step further - even when outside, and somebody comes up (too) close with a cigarette, I politely ask if they mind either smoking further away from us and/or putting it out.

wow. That seems extreme. I don't think one day in a house with smokers is going to do much harm (unless your child has severe asthma or something). I eman, I'm sure you inhale worse stuff from car exhaust everyday, then you would one day for a couple of hours at a smoker's baby shower. People's feelingss are worth something, too. MEaning, sometimes you have to sacrifice a little of the ideal, to avoid being extremely difficult or hurtful.
post #51 of 59
10/20/08 at 12:50am
Quote:
Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
wow. That seems extreme. I don't think one day in a house with smokers is going to do much harm (unless your child has severe asthma or something). I eman, I'm sure you inhale worse stuff from car exhaust everyday, then you would one day for a couple of hours at a smoker's baby shower. People's feelingss are worth something, too. MEaning, sometimes you have to sacrifice a little of the ideal, to avoid being extremely difficult or hurtful.
Smokers know that smoke stinks. My dh is never bothered by someone asking him to walk farther away with his cig. He'll actually apologize.
post #52 of 59
10/20/08 at 12:56am
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
Smokers know that smoke stinks. My dh is never bothered by someone asking him to walk farther away with his cig. He'll actually apologize.
A & A - I was referring to the bolded part below -

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nanethiel View Post
Just adding that I, too, would not, ever, take my child somewhere where they smoke inside.

I actually take it a step further - even when outside, and somebody comes up (too) close with a cigarette, I politely ask if they mind either smoking further away from us and/or putting it out.
I I just can't believe that one couldn't make an exception to their rule, one time. Especially in the OP's case, where she is adopting a baby from this family of smokers...I'm sorry, I just can't believe that a couple of hours around cigarette smoke, ONE time, is that bad taht you have to forgo attending a baby shower thrown by the family from whom you're adopting a baby. It's a once in a lifetime event. your kids lungs will rejuvenate
post #53 of 59
10/22/08 at 8:20am

is not one allergic?

I am very allergic to smoke and in a house of a chain smoker i would not last very long before getting bad headache and my lungs gumming up. So i would go drop off the gift and then excuse myself because my life is more important than keeping up appearances.

My mom & Sister is the same way with Cats. They go and bring their meds and stay as long as they can stand the symptoms. then they bow out. often people apologize for the cats.
post #54 of 59
10/22/08 at 8:36am
I'm allergic to smoke, as well. That didn't seem to be the case in this situation, though. And in this situation, I would assume that the party thrower/smoker and expectant mother would both know this since the EM was a childhood friend of the OP. And in this case, it's much more that keeping up appearances. The party was being thrown for the baby that the OP is planning to adopt. And she will be showered with many gifts and well wishes.

OP, please update us when you can. No matter what you decided.
post #55 of 59
10/23/08 at 1:34pm
Thread Starter 

Hi!!!

lol I wrote a REALLY long post in reference to some posts I did not like and clearing up some things, pressed post and it erased everything ..!

Before I begin, to whoever said so (dont feel like looking through the posts), YES I am aware this is an adoption and foster parenting forum which is why I came here for advice. I'm confused as to why that was stated.

After much much MUCH debating, we went. I felt uneasy, but thats what we came to. J's mom smoked one ciggy and that was it so we really appreciated that she took how I felt about our kids into consideration.
It was fun, and it wasn't awkward. I thought it would be, but me and J were both in it together, it was really sweet.

My dad and step mom (they were out of town doing foster care classes) dropped in! I was happy, because I wasn't sure they'd be able to make it.

So, I'm glad we went and grandma does understand where we stand with the secondhand smoke, so when Bryson comes to visit, they will know.

Thanks for all of your helpful answers. !!
post #56 of 59
10/23/08 at 1:46pm
I'm so glad that everything worked out and you had a great time.

The reference to this being an adoption and fostering forum was intended for the people who probably saw this on the forum home page and just dropped in to give their opinions of secondhand smoke and their families. Many of us prefer not to be around secondhand smoke but this shower was different because of your unique adoption situation. We weren't criticizing you for posting.
post #57 of 59
10/23/08 at 2:37pm
momz3~ I'm so glad it went well and that everything felt comfortable for you and your friend.
post #58 of 59
10/23/08 at 2:48pm
Yay, I'm so glad it went well and that the grandmother is so understanding
post #59 of 59
10/23/08 at 3:18pm
I am so glad you went. I am so glad Grandma understood and things worked out well.

Good for you!
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