spin-off on "be honest now": personality conflicts

[Sierra]

On the "be honest now" thread, I really appreciated the discussion about personality clashes between parent and child personalities, and how though adoption may make it more likely (since bio kids are genetically more like us), it also happens among bio parent-child pairs sometimes too. It's good food for thought.

So I want to state right now on no uncertain terms that I know it is very, very normal for a 2 or 3 year old to say s/he does not like a parent. Or that the parent is bad. Or that s/he "hates" the parent. Or to ask the parent to "go away." In fact, one of my nephews went through a year long stage of saying "mean" things to his very gentle, loving mother like, "I am going to put you in the trash" and "I hate your guts!"

It seems to me there are a multitude of reasons that 2 and 3 year old kids might do this in a typical scenario:

*The discovery and exploration of the power of words
*The desire to feel control in a world where they have a pretty limited amount
*The discovery of what particular words or phrases mean
*The fun of getting different types of reactions
*A bad mood or a passing sentiment
*A reaction to the power of strong feelings of anger or frustration
Etc.

But the other day, dfd said something that just sounded very different from any of that. Nothing like the tone or anything that I've heard from other kids her age.

dw was in the store just picking up a couple of things in a hurry, and I was waiting in the car with the kids. We were sitting there in silence, just enjoying the quiet of the evening (it was later in the evening and we were all getting dreamy/sleepy). Then out of the blue dfd said, totally matter-of-factly and unemotionally "No like mama_ [dw]." She showed absolutely no sign of being attached whatsoever to my reaction. It was just like, "I don't like strawberry ice cream."

Is it possible that a kid at that age could really just simply not like one of her parents?

I do think dw has been sort of cranky for a few weeks. Nothing big, just subtly cranky.

Their relationship, however, has been overall pretty good. For a while, dfd was *way* more attached to dw than she was to me. Lately she has shifted more toward a stronger attachment to me, but she still seems to enjoy many of the things she does with dw: particular games they play, places they go, and so forth.

Still, I can't shake the feeling that she might genuinely feel this way, at least right now.

I don't think my reaction was good *at all.* I told her it was okay to feel that way but to please not say it because it was rude. I think the reason I reacted that way (which I totally regret) is because dfd does say "no like [ds]" when they are fighting over a toy or something or he is messing with something she is doing, etc. and it does hurt his feelings. What she really means of course is, "I don't like it when he...[whatever he is doing that is bothering her]." I think I just went into the space of lumping all those things together. But I want dfd to feel like she can talk to me about anything, and it's not like dw was there. Also, it just shut her down. She didn't really get to share with me how she was feeling.

Now I feel badly. I feel badly I didn't react well. And I want dw's opinion but I don't feel like I can tell her about this because I am afraid it will hurt her.

What do you think? Can this be genuine, and if so, what can I do to foster the two of them in feeling closer again, without damaging the closeness dfd and I have established.

[queencarr]

I want to sit and digest a bit, so I may come back and post more later as I get a chance.

I do think a child that age is able to dislike someone, but I don't think it necessarily has the same emotional depth as an adult making that same statement would. Think about kids playing--they are best friends, then they fuss and say they don't like each other, and then they make up and are best friends again. They are usually pretty matter of fact in that instance, and I-don't-like-strawberry-ice-cream-ish in their tone, at least IME. For our family, car time is often full of those kinds of revelation-type statements. I think the quiet lends itself to thinking, and then they just pop up with something introspective like that. Also, I don't know if your dfd does this, but my boys will jump into conversations at random points (and expect that I know exactly what they are referring to!) ; using her statement, maybe dw did something earlier than annoyed her, and she fussed about it then, dropped it, and came back several hours leter where she left off after some quiet thinking? I guess what I am getting to is that a child that age can have absolute likes and dislikes of people, but they are dependant upon circumstances, not necessarily on the person themselves and can be fleeting but concrete for that moment.

As far as your reaction, that probably would have been similar to mine. In fact, thinking over similar situations between siblings, it was So you are already a step ahead of me, in that I had not considered the sequelae of that type of reaction. You mentioned that dw has been cranky; is that something you could address with her without even directly addressing dfd's comment, and yet still work on promoting closeness? Along the lines of the kids are picking up your vibes lately, and having problems? I find that is a helpful tack to take with dh--it makes more sense to him if I draw the inference and present it as the fact, rather than his actions. Another thing I sometimes do is flat out tell dh that he needs to spend some fun time with the boys (rather than tell him they are aggravated by his crankiness) or with one in particular if he is having more issues at a particuar time. Maybe you could arrange a mother-daughter time for them to spend one on one and just catch up? Or could she help you make breakfast in bed for dw one morning? Even though it would be spending time with you (the currently favored parent) the two of you would be actively working together to make the other feel special. I have used this appraoch with my oldest when dh has had to be out of town or work late several days in a row. Doing something for that person is helpful in fostering attachment and love toward them.

These thoughts are just what comes to mind right away. Not sure if I am saying what I am thinking--I am finding my ability to converse effectively in full sentences is decreasing more and more

[RedOakMomma]

I've got a kiddo in my lap right now, so no time for long responses, but I wonder if it IS just related to your dw having a crankier couple of weeks. I know as a parent I sometimes have a day or two, especially after a challenging time, where I say to my partner "man, I am really not a fan of ds1 right now."

With simpler language, and a child's emotions, saying "I don't like dw" could be just a passing feeling.

Can your dw spend some one-on-one time with her in the next few weeks, and work toward reminding each other of what they do love about each other? Kids have such short memories, I think in times of family stress or distance, they forget the larger perspective of their feelings for a person.

As for how you responded, let yourself off the hook. It was a first-time response. Next time she vocalizes it, you'll know to ask her about what she means, or be able to talk about all the things you and she probably love about dw. You could also ask her what she'd like to do with dw in some "special time," so that they could be happy together and have a good time.

[sugarmoon]

I wouldn't take it as more than it was -- a random simple statement from a very young child. Most kids that age, when they say they don't like strawberry ice cream, might decide it is their favorite flavor next week, yk?

That said, my (adopted) dd consistently tells me that she loves papa better than me. She once told me she "only loves papa, I don't love you at all", and recently showed me, with her arms stretched out as far as they could go, I love papa this much. then put her hands about 6 inches apart and said, and I love you, this much.

I don't mind, it makes me laugh. In our case, it is b/c I am the disciplinarian, routine, structure creating parent, and her papa is the fun guy, and she's got a bit of an electra complex going on right now.

I don't know if any of that factors in for you, but I wouldn't put too much weight on it. Especially since you say she has been close to your dw in the past. She is at the age for oedipal/electra complex, and I don't know how that plays out in a two mom family, but that could be some of it, a natural gravitation towards one parent, as well.

jmho, hth

nak

[Sierra]

Thank you all soooooo much. *Everything* you all are saying makes so much sense. You are really helping me put this in perspective and also giving me some good ideas for fostering a return to greater closeness between dw and dfd.

Part of the reason I didn't want to talk to dw about this is because she definitely already knows she has been crabby lately. ds actually told her LOL! I know she feels badly, but she is stressed about several things and just hasn't been able to break her mood yet. It hasn't gone on for too long, so hopefully things will lighten up in another week or two. We did end up talking about what dfd said last night, and dw felt badly about it but seemed glad I let her know.