Whining about the same thing constantly

[bits and bobs]

DD who is almost 5 does not have an off button. When she gets fixated on wanting or not wanting to do something she will not stop moaning about it.

Eg I go to the gym once a week for an hour and she goes to the creche there.

She starts: I don't want to go to the kids' club, I hate the kids' club, I don't want to go, I want to stay home with you, I don't want to go....and it goes on and on and on. She does not stop complaining.

Or it might be something she does want: I want tv now [and I've said no for some reasonable reason] I want tv, I want tv, I want tv...insert kicking screaming crying and continued I want tv, I want tv.

I tell her that I've heard what she has to say on whatever topic, and that I understand her feelings/thoughts/desires but that xyz is the decision. I feel like giving in to her is easier at times than enduring the literally endless complaining.

I am with her so much of the time and can't always give her what she wants. Any ideas or even just 'yeah that!'

[bl987ue]

When my kid used to do something like that, I would give him a chance to change the subject. I would just warn him: "We are done talking about it. If you bring it up again, you are going to your room." And then I would follow through. It didn't take long for him to get the message that I meant what I said, and he stopped.

[vegmom]

My dd2 likes to whine as well. But I am in the process of training her to speak nicely. The trick is to be consistent. Your word is your word and you NEVER give in.

When dd2 starts whining she goes up to her room. No one has to be abused by continous whining. When she is ready to speak nicely she can come down. If she continues to whine then she goes back up. If she continues whining for the 3rd time, I tell her that she must be tired and she can have an early bed time.

She is going to learn that whining is not exeptable. We will teach her that till she learns.

An awesome book to read is 12 keys for raising responsible children by Ron G. Morrish.

[DevaMajka]

Secret of Parenting has some really great ideas on how to deal with that. I think he calls it "disengage"- you give a final answer, then you tell your dc that you aren't going to talk about it anymore. You don't reply to them if that's what they are talking about (but obviously, you do respond to them if it's about anything else).

But then, that can backfire sometimes. Once, my ds was doing that- asking over and over and over. I said "the answer is no, I'm not going to talk about it anymore." He asked again, I stayed silent, and he said "ok, I'll take that as a yes." Clever, eh? But that only happened once. I gave him an "I mean it" look, and helped him move on to something else.

I agree with sticking with your no (ideally- I'm feeling ya that it's just easier to give in sometimes). I mean, if you realize that you were hasty in saying no, I think it's a good idea to change your mind and give an explanation of that. But I think that "giving in," wherein you change your mind in response to whining in order to stop a scene or stop the whining, is a bad idea.

[pigpokey]

I generally try to react as:

If you act that way about the TV limits, the consequence is that you won't be able to watch any TV at all.

If you don't cooperate with me so I can go to the gym, I will stop cooperating with going with you to go to (child activity).

[Ruthla]

As for the "re-evaluating if I gave a hasty answer"- I'll only do that if I'm asked nicely and respectfully. Whining results in an automatic "no" even if I was prepared to say yes or consider changing my answer.

Sending the whining child out of the room is a good idea. I usually remind DS to speak nicely once or twice, then lose my temper and scream at him. It's not particularly effective- it turns one child whining into several people yelling.

[vegmom]

Originally Posted by pigpokey

I generally try to react as:

If you act that way about the TV limits, the consequence is that you won't be able to watch any TV at all.

If you don't cooperate with me so I can go to the gym, I will stop cooperating with going with you to go to (child activity).

Negotiating with a kid is bad! I was doing this with my dds. Kids should not have an option to behave well.

They should behave well. Period!

Not an option.

I saw Ron G. Morrish speak at a school funtion. He made so much sense. Negotiating with kids gives them a "whats in it for me" attitude. If I do this then you do that... Not something to instill in a child.

His method is in "teaching" kids appropriate behaviour. Until they do it. If they are having trouble then you help them. But they still have to do it. No options. Rules are meant to be followed.

He gave an example ... If a kid is misbehaving on the bus most schools would kick the kid of the bus. Using "the rules are meant to be followed" method, instead of kicking the kid off the bus the kid would come in on a Saturday and ride the bus till he learned how to behave on the bus.

Failure is not an option. TEACHING appropriate behaviour is what parenting is all about - not negotiating for it!

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

As for the "re-evaluating if I gave a hasty answer"- I'll only do that if I'm asked nicely and respectfully. Whining results in an automatic "no" even if I was prepared to say yes or consider changing my answer.

I've been debating doing that. On one hand, whining bothers me to no end, and I really think that ds is learning that whining/fake crying is a valid means of communication (ie, way to get me to change my mind).
Otoh, I don't really like how I feel when I refuse to change my mind JUST because he's whining.

But yeah, I get mean sometimes in response to whining. lol.

[janasmama]

My DD is a huge whiner. If she whines I always say, "are you whining, because if you are then you know you have to go sit on your bed." Sometimes she stops sometimes she doesn't but she defintitely doesn't get anything until she's done whining. The more we have practiced this the less time she spends whining.

I don't think negotiating with a child is always bad. I wouldn't particularly do it the way it was mentioned above but if DD learns to listen and do what I have asked, then there are times when I will negotiate with her....but when she is excessively whiney is not the time. This would be the time that I tell her she needs to respond to me before I will negotiate with her.