feeling conflicted - guilty for being happy

[CATPAT30]

we are getting our first shot at parenthood. We taking in a friends 10 yr old.(as i 've mentioned somewhere else) we are Resource parents but as Kinship Care parents. So we are the Guardians, not the foster care system.

His Grandma and some others who are aware of the situation are treating us like hero's: but I don't feel like a hero - i go through feelings of stress, giddiness , sadness (child free life almost gone possibly for good), happiness, excitement. GUILT.

I feel guilty that I am cherishing some happy feelings about him coming to stay with us. And I am afraid the parents (both are on medication for depression) are starting to resent us.

It is what they wanted, more specialized attention for him, a respite from him, and we won in court basically - but of course they have to say they would rather have him at home or it will look like they are horrible parents that don't want their child.

The CW is wonderful, and feels that this really is the perfect situation for T and T is excited to come and stay with us. He does miss his family but he can finally act like a kid again.

We emotionally and mentally have accepted that if this turns into permanent we are okay with that - but we worry about the parents.

I want to let them know how happy i am, how thankful i am - i know my first kid, i already like him and love him (i know it will change in intensity soon) and they are there to tell me what worked what didn't work and to visit with him. They could have been as so many other parents in their situation - insisting that he come home no matter what- give me back my kid - angry and all. and they did that for a bit but they know this is best for him.

Our adoption home study is 4/5 complete. We will soon be approved to adopt they will be offering us matches to consider even with T in our home. And we will discuss with him that possibility - he is very smart. so he is our spring board kid. I think it surprised everyone in Adoption and our family that we agreed so quickly and so strongly to take in a temporary child. but how could we say no? My MIL is looking forward to meeting him, she is so wonderful. My mom did not say if she had an opinion or feeling about this. I could ask her but i imagine that she is not thrilled but she is going to put up a second bed for him when we come to visit.

My ultra supportive sister, told me to stay away, I think she thinks this will get messy and it might but fear of what might happen or get unpleasant will not stop us from loving this child who has been put down for so long and has had a very rough life.

or maybe i am just pmsing

[queencarr]

I think feeling conflicted is normal. It is OK to feel happy while feeling upset for the birthfamilies, and I think a lot healthier than not aknowledging their, and your child's loss, in adoption. I did not get to read your other thread, but it sounds like things moved very quick, and going from LT childless to having a 10yo is quite a jump--heck, I got nervous each child I added to our crew, and they were much younger. I can distinctly remember at the beginnings of my 2 pg thinking "what have I done?!?" And when we accepted the referrals for the youngest 2, I felt the same way. It IS life-altering to add children to your family, whether it is temporary or permanant. I would encouage you, though, to separate your positive and negative feelings and try to explore them individually, without guilt that any of them exist. Also, don't worry about how family members are feeling--you can't change it anyway. Unless you think they are going to cause trouble, and then stay away/avoid them as you can.

[annethcz]

I agree that it is normal. I felt the same way when we adopted DS2. He was born in Ethiopia and we travelled to meet him and bring him home. When we were there we met his bio grandparents. Although they wanted him to be adopted because they weren't able to adequately care for him, they loved him very much and were understandably sad and upset to see him go. It was a really hard situation for all of us. I struggled for a long time because it just didn't seem fair that his family, who loved him so much, weren't able to raise him. But, as in your situation, there were mental health issues at play, and loving him wasn't enough to keep him fed and supervised properly.

I will admit that I felt unsettled for many months, maybe years. But DS2 has been with us for 3 years now, and those feelings have subsided. Part of the subsiding of guilt has to do with corresponding with DS's bio family, and reading their letters in which they express that they are happy that DS is with us. And I think another part of letting the guilt go had to do with me needing to give up fantasy scenarios and accepting that life isn't always just or fair, and recognizing that DS *IS* living a better and happier life here with us than he would be if he was still living with his bio family who neglected him due to mental health isues.

[JoyFilled]

We went from childless to a 6 year old. It's a huge change.

As much as I like our foster kids I really miss sleeping in, having a peaceful breakfast with DH and just generally being able to come and go as we want.

But overall I wouldn't change it.

And I also think that people think childless couples who take in other kids are saints. I just figured we had the time and the energy to do it.

[Sierra]

I haven't been able to read your other thread either, but just wanted to say hello...we went from childless to being moms of a 15 year old, and we haven't stopped parenting since.

By the way, we also lost the support of some family when we made that decision.

My best to you. Keep us posted.

[heythere heather]

The TPR court hearing was one of the hardest days of my life, for that same conflicted feeling. Our FDD had been with us for almost 11 months at the hearing, and so of course I felt happy. But the mom was there, too, and I felt really really sad about her losing parental rights. It's really emotionally tangled for me, still. I feel anger at our society, which in many ways has failed this mother. The system has been OK for her--she had every opportunity and the support of a good social worker, but wasn't able to do what was necessary to get custody. And there are deep societal reasons for that, along with personal reasons, too. But it's really hard for me. I feel mad at society, at the same time I feel glad, because I love my DD so much.

A lot of people don't get it. I get a lot of "she is so lucky to be with you" comments. I just have a hard time with that. WE are very blessed that she's a part of our family. And yes, I'm glad she's with us. But would you call it luck? Is it lucky that her mom couldn't take care of her?

See, all of my conflict coming out. I love her, I'm so thrilled she's part of our family, and yet at the same time it makes me want to be able to change so much about our society. I even feel guilty at times. What if I"m doing the wrong thing? What if there was a way for us to "adopt" the family instead, and support them so that they could care for her? But then, what if it doesn't work? Then what? And I really do feel that the system really tried hard to help the mom. The fact that she didn't do visits and do what was necessary to regain custody was not for lack of assistance. Our county even has parent advocates, who pretty much hand-hold through a lot of things, including getting housing from Section 8, finding childcare, finding a job, etc etc.

Anyway, a friend is adopting from overseas, and she just recently asked for prayers that the mom of their potential placement not show up, and that no family members are found. I am so conflicted about that, too. I think I would have to pray (if it were me) that there woudl be the possibility for the child to stay with family in that country, but if it wasn't possible, that the process would go smoothly and quickly, for the child's sake.

[CATPAT30]

Court tomorrow for placement order but not TPR

: :
court is tomorrow - supposed to be at 10 am. DH will not be with me. this past week has been hard. Trying to be supportive of his family but they are just mad and I can do nothing right for them.

but family and friends have come around and are really supportive now. It just took a couple days for my sister to come around and she is all happy (reservedly) but i can gab about him without getting the feeling she'd rather not talk.

CW agreed to un-supervised visits since no abuse was alleged or suspected. which is nice. but his step mom was not there for the one visit we had and yesterday i happened to see him after the visit and Step mom was not there either. I am worried because she is the one that emails me angry emails and she is the one that does not seem to like T.

I know she can't change him coming to stay with us but i just don't look forward to sitting in waiting room with them all day (i hope it goes quickly). She has accused me of gossiping because i have been telling family and friends that he is coming to stay with us. And i asked T and he wanted me to tell people instead of him. Although he did tell one older person we know and love it was so cute.

I think i will just bring a book.