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no your husband working long hours is not like you being a single mother-vent - Page 2

post #21 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momtwice View Post
I was one of those moms. Now I really am a single mom.

Those comments do sting now. I had a friend do that recently, and yeowch! But it's better now ibeing single in some ways. It is scary, and tough, but I no longer have that resentment about him not helping, not caring, not being available to help. I no longer wake up each day hoping he will finally be the helpful loving husband I craved. I no longer deal with that daily resentment.

As hard as it is, I relate to those moms because I was one and I see now that his lack of engagement in his family was one of the main causes of our marriage ending.

Now I resent other things, like losing the dream of what married life could have been, or him not valuing the kids as much as I would like when he is bringing the kids home early from his infrequent visits because he's bored

But I NEVER said I felt like a single mom TO a single mom. I can see that would HURT!!!! (I may have said it to a married mom once or twice though!)
Oh wow -- you said it for me. I am so glad not to live with the daily resentment. I still resent mine for the financial morass he is sending us all into, but at least he is mostly out of my face.

M
post #22 of 66
When I was married, I used to say that I felt like "a well-funded single mom". I don't think I ever said that to a single mom, but still, I hope I didn't offend anyone because it certainly wouldn't have been intended that way. That was just my way of expressing how frustrated I was for being single-handedly responsible for every aspect of the children's lives and the household, etc.

I'm one of those women who couldn't ask her DH to keep an ear out for the kids while I ran an errand while they were sleeping. When the girls and I were extremely ill with a whole-body virus and wicked pink-eye, my plea to DH for help was met with him yelling at me that we are only sick because I am a bad mother and don't put them to bed on time, followed by him locking himself in the bedroom to watch TV for 2 days while I had to struggle on alone and take the girls to the hospital three times solo. Then, when he did emerge from his bedroom he took my car keys and I had to use another hospital ER trip for our infant as an excuse to get them back so I could get us to the women's shelter.

I've only been seperated a month, but it's actually been easier, in my case. I know every single mother's situation is different and financial hardships will probably take their toll on me eventually but my parental/household workload has actually lessened now that I am taking care of one less person and don't have to deal with that person's emotional abuse. I'm not in a co-parent situation (DH hasn't wanted to see the girls yet) but if that ever happens, I will have a break that I could never have hoped for as a married woman.

But, back on topic, OP - I'm sorry if that other mother offended you. That probably wasn't her intent. She was probably either trying to relate to you or just feels unhappy in her situation.
post #23 of 66
wow krysta i am so glad you had the courage to get out.

but yes i was in a similar situation to yours without the abuse or heartlessness. so yes i agree for me it was less work too. i only had to clean my dd's and my mess. not my exs. or carry the resentment of picking up after him. and he was never around to take me or my dd to the ER when we needed to go.

once we emotionally separated which was two years before we physically separated he became both a financial and a physical burden to me. he totally felt like an albatross around my neck. so it was sooooo much a relief after he agreed to move out. inspite of all the hardship i had (the first 3 years with and without living with him i was the solo parent - no coparenting) i would much rather carry this cross than stay married to him.

aaaaah KRISTIANA - i get it now. the annoyance factor. and yes i do agree i miss not having someone to cry or celebrate with what is going on with my dd's life. my ex and i have totally different focus of what is important about our dd to us. while i tell him everything he tells me v. v. v. little. though that might be a man thing.
post #24 of 66
wow krysta i am so glad you had the courage to get out.

but yes i was in a similar situation to yours without the abuse or heartlessness. so yes i agree for me it was less work too. i only had to clean my dd's and my mess. not my exs. or carry the resentment of picking up after him. and he was never around to take me or my dd to the ER when we needed to go. even at 2 am i had to get a neighbour get medicine for our dd since i couldnt reach ex.

once we emotionally separated which was two years before we physically separated he became both a financial and a physical burden to me. he totally felt like an albatross around my neck. so it was sooooo much a relief after he agreed to move out. and financially a bonus too coz he started paying CS. inspite of all the hardship i had (the first 3 years with and without living with him i was the solo parent - no coparenting) i would much rather carry this cross than stay married to him. what i remember most after he left was finally having the freedom to really enjoy my dd and so till he started taking her more (so he could stop CS) i never felt i needed time away from her.

aaaaah KRISTIANA - i get it now. the annoyance factor. and yes i do agree i miss not having someone to cry or celebrate with what is going on with my dd's life. my ex and i have totally different focus of what is important about our dd to us. while i tell him everything he tells me v. v. v. little. though that might be a man thing.
post #25 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xshy View Post
I am a single/solo parent.
There is no dad in dd's life. no potential for help, not extended family, no nothing. Not that families are always involved but i hope you know what I mean. it's just me, and there is no foreseeable break. ever.
As a single/solo mom in the same position, AAAAAAAAAAMEN!! I feel the exact same way!
post #26 of 66
I'm one of those moms :

I have never said that to a single mom, though, knowing full well that just because my partner is uninvolved doesn't mean that he doesn't exist.

I am moving out in a couple weeks (he doesn't know this) and filing for separation, so then I really will be a single mom.
post #27 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xshy View Post
I just need to say I cannot stand it when my mama friends compare themselves to being single parents because their partners work long hours or go away on business trips.
It is not even remotely comparable.
I feel myself get really upset when people make comments like this.
I am a single/solo parent.
There is no dad in dd's life. no potential for help, not extended family, no nothing. Not that families are always involved but i hope you know what I mean. it's just me, and there is no foreseeable break. ever.
So no you cannot compare your husbands long hours to my raising my child single handedly. You share your home with anther adult, so if you die in your sleep your baby will not starve to death her cries going unanswered.
It is possible to conceive your partner could help out if you ever really needed it.
When your baby is asleep if you wanted to run out to the store you could, if you were quick. You could do this on a whim and not have to hire a sitter, which i dont use anyways because really it's not my thing while shes this young.(6 months)
While not every partner comes with built in family a lot of the ones I see my friends have do, and they are seemingly nice involved familes, again not something a lot of us single moms have depending on our situations.

I just needed to vent this.
I'm totally happy being a single mother but it IS hard sometimes, and I really hate when people undermine that. I don't ask for praise but please do not draw comparisons, what it is psychologically to be a single parent is much more demanding then the actual physical aspect of it a lot of times.


Being a single parent is hard.
post #28 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by gus'smama View Post
I don't know -- I was one of those married women who often thought my life probably wasn't all that different than that of a single mom. I've been a single mom for a few months now, and while I know that isn't long enough to totally say I know what it is all about, I can say that my day to day life, as far as my childcare responsibilities and help from their dad hasn't really changed.

Actually it has. I got a whole day to myself last weekend, when he took all four kids for the day.

I know it can be annoying to hear, but some peoples marriages really are that bad, and some partners really aren't any use at all, not even the 'plunked in front of the tv with a beer so I can run to the store while the kids are asleep' kind of useful.

:

Yes, it's highly situational.

Some ex-spouses are better than others. Obviously, if you are a single parent, but share joint custody, and have a present, capable, good other parent involved it is much different than having a non-involved parent.

And if you get child support that is very different than if you don't get child support.

And if you are married, and it's a good marriage, but your husband works a lot and/or travels, that is very different than if it's a bad marriage and your husband works a lot and travels.

So, it's highly situational.

Single parenting is hard. Very, very hard. I do feel that some married parents who have emotionally and physically absent spouses are much like single parents, except they still put up with the BS of the emotionally and physically absent spouse.

It's best to have two parents committed to the child(ren), even if the parents aren't committed to themselves or married.
post #29 of 66
I so hear you. My sister made a comment like this a week ago when her dh was out of town for 4 days for a business trip. I jsut wanted to smack her, when he is home he does all the night time baby care so she always gets a full night's sleep, as a single mom I have been sleep deprived for 10 years. She still has 6 figure salary coming in when he is not home, I have had months where I struggled to pull $5 together for a jug of milk, mainly in the years my ex did not pay child support. My kids have zero contact with their father, my nephew has every evening save a few business trips with his dad, so my sister can go out with the girls, go to the gym, etc without a care in the world. I have to struggle to find care and be given a guilt trip for doing so, just to go to bible study once a week.

Being in a marriage isn't perfect, I left my marriage 7.5 years ago because it was not a healthy relationship (holy understatement). But to claim that your life is just like mine because your 100% devoted husband went away for 4 days is a slap in the face, and totally discounting the struggles I face daily with my kids as a single mom.
post #30 of 66
i think it depends. My life is not a lot different than when I was married. but at least now people feel bad for me and are willing to help. xDh actually helps out more now than he did when we were married. I was literally alone all the time but I had to put up with all his crap too.

the truth of the matter is that single motherhood is different for all of us. its not a contest to see who's life sucks the worst. am I disqualified because I get decent support, their dad is involved more so than he ever has been and his parents help out? on the other hand I am constantly worried about his judgment, trying to take the kids, going behind my back, undermining my parenting, hate being financially dependent on him and dread the day the other woman becomes the other mommy.
post #31 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
i think it depends. My life is not a lot different than when I was married. but at least now people feel bad for me and are willing to help. xDh actually helps out more now than he did when we were married. I was literally alone all the time but I had to put up with all his crap too.

the truth of the matter is that single motherhood is different for all of us. its not a contest to see who's life sucks the worst. am I disqualified because I get decent support, their dad is involved more so than he ever has been and his parents help out? on the other hand I am constantly worried about his judgment, trying to take the kids, going behind my back, undermining my parenting, hate being financially dependent on him and dread the day the other woman becomes the other mommy.



I hear ya lilyka! The thought gives me the dry heaves!
post #32 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post

the truth of the matter is that single motherhood is different for all of us. its not a contest to see who's life sucks the worst.
: My thoughts on the matter exactly. When a married mama says "I feel like a single mother" I think it's just a way of looking for a little sympathy, which isn't a bad thing. I agree that there're better ways to say it.
post #33 of 66
wow. I'm a happily married mom and I hate those comparisons! (hope y'all don't mind me jumping in here! )

I was pregnant with DD (stillborn) while DH was deployed to Iraq (15 months) and people would say "Wow, it's going to be hard! It's JUST like being a single mom!" ... Uh, no it's not. One, I wasn't going to have to work, and two, I had a husband who called often to offer support and love. That's nothing like being a single mom.

Though similarly, I did hate it when people said "Ugh! I know what you're going through with your husband deployed. My husband had to go on business to DC for 3 weeks, it was terrible!" Uh, yeah, whatever.
post #34 of 66
Partnered mom here who fears her DP going to work out of town for a few weeks. I saw this thread when I hit new posts and I just wanted to say that not all of us are insensitive, and I would never compare DP out of town to being a single mom. Sorry that there are so many who are not able to see beyond their own lives and how annoying comments like that would be.
post #35 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by kokonutmama View Post
: My thoughts on the matter exactly. When a married mama says "I feel like a single mother" I think it's just a way of looking for a little sympathy, which isn't a bad thing. I agree that there're better ways to say it.
Also, she might really have a life like a single mother. There are some married women, who, depending on the spouse they have, might actually have a life like a single parent. That can and does happen.
post #36 of 66
it's like the same debate about sahm vs wohm. either way you're damned. lol.

i dont want sympathy, i dont want judgement. i dont get support, i struggle but i dont wear single motherhood like a badge. it's a daily reality for me and I have to live it. i'm happy with the choices i made, i would never go back to my ex. so i rather struggle and be poor than me married, poor, struggling and abused, miserable, etc.
post #37 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by That Is Nice View Post
:

Yes, it's highly situational.

Some ex-spouses are better than others. Obviously, if you are a single parent, but share joint custody, and have a present, capable, good other parent involved it is much different than having a non-involved parent.

And if you get child support that is very different than if you don't get child support.

And if you are married, and it's a good marriage, but your husband works a lot and/or travels, that is very different than if it's a bad marriage and your husband works a lot and travels.

So, it's highly situational.

Single parenting is hard. Very, very hard. I do feel that some married parents who have emotionally and physically absent spouses are much like single parents, except they still put up with the BS of the emotionally and physically absent spouse.

It's best to have two parents committed to the child(ren), even if the parents aren't committed to themselves or married.
:
post #38 of 66
It's funny...I heard someone who had previously been bemoaning how hard it was to do everything while her dh was away on business say just last week that it is sometimes more disruptive to her/her daughter's routine when he comes home. I thought..."oh no, that's a slippery slope" and it made me remember how it was to parent without my dh being present, but still "there" versus now.

For me, I don't have someone to share every little and amazing thing my son did with. We are fortunate to have his grandma very close, and see her everyday, so I am able to share with her, but there are still things that happen in the middle of the night, or when she's at work, that only I see. And in the middle of the night when I'm awake and reflecting on the day, it would be nice to have someone to share them with, discuss things, etc. Now, when my ex- was around, the end of the day was spent watching TV and not talking, so he certainly wasn't the person to do this with...though we did talk a lot about every little thing ds did. The moms whose husbands are away on business don't necessarily have this same sense.

Writing this reminds me that I wanted to start a journal of ds' life...I've been meaning to since he was born, but just haven't done it yet. Maybe that can be my outlet for all the little things.
post #39 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2xshy View Post
I just need to say I cannot stand it when my mama friends compare themselves to being single parents because their partners work long hours or go away on business trips.
It is not even remotely comparable.
I have to agree.

I was a single mother for a short time and having a newborn and no husband and no help was certainly not easy, especially when having to return to work, arrange and pay for child care and pay my bills. Not even close to having a DH that isn't around, especially considering a traveling hubby is most likely bringing home the bacon and providing his wife with a sense of security. I went to bed alone and didn't know if I would ever get married and have the life I really wanted. I remember living on literally $25-30 each week after paying bills and not knowing if I would be able to give my child a gift for his first birthday or Christmas. I can't imagine life ever being that hard again.


.
post #40 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Momily View Post
I'm not that annoyed by this comparison, partially because I'm really happy with my life and I realize that there are many many married moms who can't say that.
Ditto this. I'm a very blessed single mama but I'm *not at all* a solo mama. DD sees her dad 2-3 nights a week and faithfully pays me child support. In fact, she was driving me bonkers today (her sleep was a mess because of the time change) so we swapped nights so I could get a sanity break. I'm still a single mama though. I'm just fortunate that both her dad and I are committed to raising her well... so even though we don't want to be partnered to each other anymore, we do "look out" for each other simply because it's in Anna's best interests.

Parenthood isn't easy, no matter how you slice it. And it's especially hard when your routines are thrown off, which is what the "I feel like a single mom" parents are getting at. Feeling like you don't have enough support isn't necessarily something that single mamas have a monopoly on.
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