My DS is 8. I am really really concerned about him, and have racked my brain up one side and down the other but I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do for him. I would really like to take him to a counselor of some kind but we live in an extremely remote area and we don't even have a general health aid right now, let alone any kind of mental health support.
A brief background--he was 5m when his bio mom walked out, leaving him with DH. DH was a single dad until we married in 2003--DS was 3. He's always had a very loving daddy, but obviously there was some upheval in his early years...I have often thought that he probably has residual effects from that, in spite of the solidarity we've tried to provide since then.
Neither DH nor I is perfect--we have gentle discipline as our ideal, but neither of us was raised with it, and we both raise our voices sometimes and there have been a few spankings over the years.
: In general though I know that DS knows he is loved. We had a baby 21 months ago (after several years of trying and miscarriages) and I know that change was hard on him. We moved a few months after that, and I know that change was hard too. Through it all we have tried really hard to make sure DS feels loved. He's a very smart kid and can be such a joy.
Unfortunately, he also can be his own personal thunder storm. He often tells me that he's having a bad day (even when I know he's had happy times during that day). Several times a week he tells me he's having the worst day of his life. Perhaps this is just childhood hyperbole, but he seems to truly feel this way. When he's grouchy he is mean as can be--smacking the dog, harrassing his toddler brother, punching parents... He yells and throws things and throws himself against the wall over and over. We try to talk with him, hold him, comfort him but he fights it tooth and nail (literally--I have marks). The other day in PE he didn't feel like participating, and when his teacher asked him to do so anyway he shoved her pretty hard.
DH and I both make a real effort to not be bossy--to not ask something of him unless it's actually important. And yet even a simple thing like bedtime (which we have the same routine every night) turns into a massive fight almost every night because first he won't take a shower and then he dances around his room naked and won't get dressed and then he won't go brush his teeth even though we've asked/reminded a dozen times...I don't mind someone who likes to take his time about things, but this isn't a matter of doing it slowly, this is a matter of going out of his way to avoid doing what was asked.
He regularly refuses to respond to us--we'll talk to him or ask a question and he will just be silent, won't answer, won't nod/shake his head. He might push us away or kick or punch or yell, but he won't respond to a simple question like "do you want another helping of dinner?"
A couple of times he has announced that he tried to kill himself by trying to drink water into his lungs (from a cup).
On the one hand I realize that that's not going to work, but on the other hand, what reason could an 8yo have that's so bad they are thinking suicidal??? DH and I talked about that several times, and felt that he was probably at least partly looking for a reaction, so we tried to just show love but be as unreactive as possible to the actual announcement (thus discouraging repetition). It hasn't happened within the last month or so and hopefully it won't again, but it did get the wheels in my head turning and they haven't stopped...
The agression is very troubling to me--it's the utterly uncontrolled behavior I might expect from a toddler, but not from an 8yo. Like I said before, I know we have not been perfect examples to him in this arena, but we're not bruising people or destroying household goods either... When he was 3 and 4 he used to have tantrums, and we talked a lot about how we all have feelings, and it's ok to have feelings but it's not ok to hurt people or things, so we need to find acceptable ways to express the feelings...at that age he rarely had a problem with just punching his pillow or going outside and yelling at the sky or kicking the back step...he would sit on a chair and spin and spin and spin and it always calmed him down. Now when we talk about those same kinds of coping skills he a brick wall. It's like he's regressed.
A couple of other behaviors: he fights sleep like no one I've ever seen (seriously he'll keep himself awake for hours almost every night). DH remembers having trouble sleeping as a kid, so maybe that's not related...but the sheer stubbornness of keeping himself awake when I can TELL he's exhausted...
Also he seems totally oblivious--and thoroughly ambivalent--about his bowel movements. We have established routines that have him sitting on the toilet for a while before school and after school, and he takes a probiotic and a fiber supplement, so full blown 'accidents' are not that common anymore, but he regularly has little bits of poo in his underwear. It's not a wiping issue, it's a didn't-bother-to-go-to-the-toilet-in-time-and-started-in-his-pants issue. (This has happened ever since potty training--he learned how, but within months made it clear that he didn't really care...by age 4 I started asking him to rinse out his own underwear, but aside from that we've tried to not make too big a deal about it...but I can't help but think that somehow that connects back in with the agression and depression...a lack of control thing...)
I have suffered with depression, and so has DH (I think there's a genetic link, isn't there?) I know he's not mine biologically, but I can relate to the feeling. I appreciate that he's still a child and doesn't have the maturity to work through things as well as I did/would, but I feel like there has to be something we can do to help him. Like I said, I'd really like a counselor, but I can't get one out here. I am trying to get cod liver oil into him regularly and feed him good foods and keep sugar to a minimum...but I am really at my wits end. I did try taking him off all artificial colors for a couple of weeks and saw no difference whatsoever.
I remember when I was depressed I had happy moments but at the end of the day if I thought back over it I couldn't remember them--I definitely see that happening with DS. He seems a happy outgoing kid to most of the out side world, but it's almost like a second personality emerges... Maybe bi-polar would be more accurate than depressed? Regardless, I'm just so worried about him, and I want to help but I don't know what else to do.
I'm not opposed to medications if that's what it takes...although that would be my last resort I think. But I want my kid to be able to thrive, not just function, you know?
any help, suggestions, thoughts, or just sympathy would be appreciated.
A brief background--he was 5m when his bio mom walked out, leaving him with DH. DH was a single dad until we married in 2003--DS was 3. He's always had a very loving daddy, but obviously there was some upheval in his early years...I have often thought that he probably has residual effects from that, in spite of the solidarity we've tried to provide since then.
Neither DH nor I is perfect--we have gentle discipline as our ideal, but neither of us was raised with it, and we both raise our voices sometimes and there have been a few spankings over the years.
: In general though I know that DS knows he is loved. We had a baby 21 months ago (after several years of trying and miscarriages) and I know that change was hard on him. We moved a few months after that, and I know that change was hard too. Through it all we have tried really hard to make sure DS feels loved. He's a very smart kid and can be such a joy.Unfortunately, he also can be his own personal thunder storm. He often tells me that he's having a bad day (even when I know he's had happy times during that day). Several times a week he tells me he's having the worst day of his life. Perhaps this is just childhood hyperbole, but he seems to truly feel this way. When he's grouchy he is mean as can be--smacking the dog, harrassing his toddler brother, punching parents... He yells and throws things and throws himself against the wall over and over. We try to talk with him, hold him, comfort him but he fights it tooth and nail (literally--I have marks). The other day in PE he didn't feel like participating, and when his teacher asked him to do so anyway he shoved her pretty hard.
DH and I both make a real effort to not be bossy--to not ask something of him unless it's actually important. And yet even a simple thing like bedtime (which we have the same routine every night) turns into a massive fight almost every night because first he won't take a shower and then he dances around his room naked and won't get dressed and then he won't go brush his teeth even though we've asked/reminded a dozen times...I don't mind someone who likes to take his time about things, but this isn't a matter of doing it slowly, this is a matter of going out of his way to avoid doing what was asked.
He regularly refuses to respond to us--we'll talk to him or ask a question and he will just be silent, won't answer, won't nod/shake his head. He might push us away or kick or punch or yell, but he won't respond to a simple question like "do you want another helping of dinner?"
A couple of times he has announced that he tried to kill himself by trying to drink water into his lungs (from a cup).
On the one hand I realize that that's not going to work, but on the other hand, what reason could an 8yo have that's so bad they are thinking suicidal??? DH and I talked about that several times, and felt that he was probably at least partly looking for a reaction, so we tried to just show love but be as unreactive as possible to the actual announcement (thus discouraging repetition). It hasn't happened within the last month or so and hopefully it won't again, but it did get the wheels in my head turning and they haven't stopped...The agression is very troubling to me--it's the utterly uncontrolled behavior I might expect from a toddler, but not from an 8yo. Like I said before, I know we have not been perfect examples to him in this arena, but we're not bruising people or destroying household goods either... When he was 3 and 4 he used to have tantrums, and we talked a lot about how we all have feelings, and it's ok to have feelings but it's not ok to hurt people or things, so we need to find acceptable ways to express the feelings...at that age he rarely had a problem with just punching his pillow or going outside and yelling at the sky or kicking the back step...he would sit on a chair and spin and spin and spin and it always calmed him down. Now when we talk about those same kinds of coping skills he a brick wall. It's like he's regressed.
A couple of other behaviors: he fights sleep like no one I've ever seen (seriously he'll keep himself awake for hours almost every night). DH remembers having trouble sleeping as a kid, so maybe that's not related...but the sheer stubbornness of keeping himself awake when I can TELL he's exhausted...
Also he seems totally oblivious--and thoroughly ambivalent--about his bowel movements. We have established routines that have him sitting on the toilet for a while before school and after school, and he takes a probiotic and a fiber supplement, so full blown 'accidents' are not that common anymore, but he regularly has little bits of poo in his underwear. It's not a wiping issue, it's a didn't-bother-to-go-to-the-toilet-in-time-and-started-in-his-pants issue. (This has happened ever since potty training--he learned how, but within months made it clear that he didn't really care...by age 4 I started asking him to rinse out his own underwear, but aside from that we've tried to not make too big a deal about it...but I can't help but think that somehow that connects back in with the agression and depression...a lack of control thing...)
I have suffered with depression, and so has DH (I think there's a genetic link, isn't there?) I know he's not mine biologically, but I can relate to the feeling. I appreciate that he's still a child and doesn't have the maturity to work through things as well as I did/would, but I feel like there has to be something we can do to help him. Like I said, I'd really like a counselor, but I can't get one out here. I am trying to get cod liver oil into him regularly and feed him good foods and keep sugar to a minimum...but I am really at my wits end. I did try taking him off all artificial colors for a couple of weeks and saw no difference whatsoever.
I remember when I was depressed I had happy moments but at the end of the day if I thought back over it I couldn't remember them--I definitely see that happening with DS. He seems a happy outgoing kid to most of the out side world, but it's almost like a second personality emerges... Maybe bi-polar would be more accurate than depressed? Regardless, I'm just so worried about him, and I want to help but I don't know what else to do.
I'm not opposed to medications if that's what it takes...although that would be my last resort I think. But I want my kid to be able to thrive, not just function, you know?
any help, suggestions, thoughts, or just sympathy would be appreciated.
. When the baby was 7 mo, we moved our family across 4 states.
. It pretty much sucked.
, because I know how incredibly difficult it is to live with a violent older child. Good luck!
She is also very bright but struggling in school right now b/c she refuses to do her work/homework and/or leaves things at home after several reminders to pack her bag.
There is one guy who is the wrestling coach that DS does look up to...perhaps I'll talk with DS about talking to him if he is upset...
