dealing with regret

[awest]

Hi,
I've never posted here before but lately I've been checking this forum out more and more because of my strong feelings regarding my son's circumcision. He's 13 months old now and before he was born we struggled greatly with the decision whether or not to circ. I read literature both for and against and spoke with everyone I could about the issue. My FIL is from Holland where no one is circed but had to have it done later in life due to infections. Because of that he had all three of his sons done at birth so they wouldn't have to go through it later on and he was very pro-circ with us. My grandpa is intact and has never had a problem his whole life. Our doula had all daughters and really had no opinion on the issue. The other doula we spoke to is really the one who swayed us. She taught our natural childbirth class and said that she also worked as a medical transcriptionist and saw tons and tons of older kids having to have circumcisions because of infections and even her friend who was always very anti-circ had changed her mind because that had happened to one of her sons. Then in the hospital we were told that if we had the circ done while we were there it was free, if we waited until after discharge it would cost $2,000. I said okay but even as they took my son away I felt horrible. I had to block out in my mind what was happening but I truly thought I was doing what was best for him.

I now regret that I ever let that happen. I wish that I would have stayed strong and followed my instinct as a mother which told me to not let anyone harm my child. Now I am consumed with guilt over this. Those of you who have a son who is circed, how do you reconcile in your mind that you let this happen and that now there is nothing you can do to make it right with your son? I felt like I was making an educated decision, but now I know I made the wrong choice. How do I get past this?

[Fyrestorm]

The first thing you can do is make sure your son knows how you feel...that what you did to him was wrong and that you had no right to do it. Prevent this from happening to the next generation.

Speak up, speak out! Use the guilt for a positive purpose...be an activist. Make a difference. It won't help your son, but it might save another boy from pain and suffering.

[SleeplessMommy]

I would like to suggest that you take the time to write letters of complaint to the medical professionals who encouraged you to circumcise. They can never get too many!

Stick to facts in your letter:

"You failed to disclose that my baby would be in significant pain after the procedure. You told me a hospital circ would be free but a later circ would cost $2000 which I have since found out is not true. You did not explain the risk of adhesions or infection. I deeply regret my decision to circumcise and I feel you did not provide me with all the facts. "

If hospital people have given you a blatant lie, you can file a complaint with the joint commission: http://www.jointcommission.org/Gener...nt/default.htm

There will be no "consequences" for them, but it will certainly get their attention!

[Treece]

I would have to rephrase that first sentence:

"You failed to tell me my son would be in significant pain DURING the procedure....."

[hollycat]

honey, regret is possibly the most wasted emotion in the world. it doesnt help the situation, it doesnt help you. it sucks energy and actually causes HARM in your life. to keep it in there is to follow one bad decision after anohter. so let it go. if you like, take that energy and become an anti c advocate (unless that causes you more regret!) .

you made a bad decision under stress. guess what, youll make more. no body is perfect, love, not even you, and it sounds like your kids are healthy and happy. know that most men just ADORE their penises, and you dont have to carry that pain. kids can also feel the vibe of their moms so when it comes toyour own kids, even if you advocate against c, make sure the energy you have around them is that their penises are perfect. in other words, dont take the energy of mistake and continue fueling it.

youre a good mama.

[nummies]

I am there with you mama.

I just really try to educate my peers about it and hopefully save more people with the information that I now know.

[Nandi]

Share your story with any friends who are having boys, and anyone else who will benefit from the knowledge. Educate yourself about the purposes of the foreskin and the ethics of leaving babies their entire body, so that you have information when you talk to your friends. Nocirc.org is a good place to start. Let people know the truth about this barbaric procedure. You can spread ripples of good to counteract the pain and guilt you are feeling.
Also the hospital lied to you. They just wanted the lucrative surgery to charge to your insurance. Wherever else you went would also just charge your insurance (if it is covered, and from what the hospital was saying, it was.) It is a money making procedure for the hospitals and doctors.

[GoodMomma]

Hi, my son is circ'ed, only because we never looked into it while pregnant. We tried for 5 years and in that time I thought I knew everything about fertility, L&D, etc etc. But unfortunately one thing we didn't bother looking into was circ'ing (well, and breastfeeding...another regret I had with him). So we did it without question. Once he was a few months old I stumbled on a circ debate board and was shocked that some parents don't circ....I had no idea! So I of course sounded like the idiot pro-circ mom that I debate with today, lol. I only stayed on the board for a couple days....then researched circ'ing when he was about 9 months old and learned the horrors of it. I had no idea what I put my poor baby through! The guilt and regret is really hard!! I don't think it ever goes away. What does help is when you save another little boy from going through it. My nephew and who knows how many other boys are intact because of info I now know. So unfortunately my son had to be harmed to save others. I think it's the best way to look at it without going nuts, lol. I breastfed my daughter to get over that regret, so I feel I fixed that problem and maybe I'll feel better about the whole thing if I ever have another boy and leave him intact. Anyway, good luck to you!

[glongley]

Welcome to the board, Awest! Hugs for your regret, and kudos for your willingness to admit it. Your story can help others to not make the same mistake, so I hope that encourages you.

Did you see that we have a thread, in the Stickies section at the top of this board, for moms who regret circumcising to tell their stories? It is an important archive for documenting the forces that lead loving, well-meaning moms to end up with circumcision and then come to regret it. Could re-post your original post up there too, for the record?

Best wishes, Gillian

[awest]

Thanks for the replies. Yes, I will always be honest with my son. I also don't want him to feel like there is anything wrong with him (as someone else mentioned) so I'll have to be careful how I word it. And, yes regret can become consuming. I feel like as a parent I've taken the time to research and do what I feel is instinctually right for everything except this one thing and I have some irrational fear that someday my son will be mad at me for it! I know, crazy. I think it will help me to talk to everyone I know who is having boys about my feelings. If I had just waited I could have always changed my mind later, but after having it done that's it. I know also that if we ever have any more boys they won't be put through this. And, I'll make sure to let everyone know how hard it was to care for a circumcision (the cleaning and the adhesion problems, etc.) When I brought up my regret to my husband he said with all of DS's problems in the beginning imagine how bad it would have been if he wasn't circed. I said, no honey, he wouldn't have had any of those problems without being circed.

I think I am most upset by the doulas we spoke to. I know that I should have made up my own mind, but I felt like these people were on the same page as me as far as being more natural and such and if either of them had been remotely anti-circ it would have sealed the deal for me. I was heavily leaning towards not doing it until they both made a strong case (in my mind at the time) FOR it. In the hospital the medical staff were all very neutral. It's up to you, we don't care either way, but the DOULAS were pushing for it. Very strange.

Anyway, I need to work through this and accept that while my child has been altered he's still perfect in every way. Thank you all and I will re-post my original story in the sticky about regret.

[Microsoap]

Thank you for correcting your husband on his misinformation when he said he'd have more complications if he hadn't be circumcised. This is absolutely false.

I'm a happily intact male for 33 years and have zero foreskin problems. But even if I had, I'd want to treat it with the most effective non-invasive way.

Infected earlobes are not amputated. Same thing w/ a foreskin.

[baybee]

I wonder if I could have permission to use your post to send out to doula lists.
This discussion comes up amongst doulas and midwives all the time and I think it's important to hear from mothers who later get educated and resent their trusted attendants for not defending boys.

[njeb]

I'm sorry you didn't get the correct information on time. That is an indictment of the medical profession, not you.

It might help you to know that Marilyn Milos, the person who founded NoCirc, has three circumcised sons herself. Like most mothers in the 70's, she believed all the myths about circumcision and had her sons circ'ed. It wasn't until she returned to nursing school after her sons were older, and witnessed a circumcision as part of her training, that she realized what she had put her sons through. She channelled her anger and regret into founding Nocirc back in the 80's. She couldn't restore her sons' foreskins, but she could educate new parents so they didn't make the same mistakes she did. You can do the same.

By the way, she now has intact grandsons!

[NamastePlatypus]

No advice, you have gotten so much of it already!! Just a friendly welcome and wishing you a peacful journey to acceptence. You have already made the first most diffucult step, humilty for your mistake. Use what you have gone though and your heart to help prevent other little boys from having to go through such a terriable unnecassary procedure!

[latinalonestar]

Firstly, welcome to CAC!

I am so sorry for the mis-information that was given to you. I completely understand how you are feeling. While I did not circ, I have made some pretty big mistakes that caused my son to suffer. I still have regret for those decisions along with a great deal of anger toward the professionals that led me down the wrong path.

There is so much you can do though. I find that transforming guilt into something positive and productive is the best way for me to deal with these feelings.

I think it would give you a great deal of peace to correct the individuals that gave you false info. They need to understand that infection and "problems" are caused by incorrect care and/or uneducated doctors, not by foreskins. Here are some articles that you can print off to give to the doulas and people who convinced you to circ:

This one is general info about intact boy:
http://www.nocirc.org/publish/pamphlet4.html

This one is about the development of foreskin:
http://www.doctorsopposingcircumcision.org/pdf/
2008-03retractileforeskinleaflet.pdf

This one is about forcible retraction and why it should NEVER be done:
http://www.nocirc.org/publish/pamphlet6.html

Definition of forcible retraction and why it is BAD:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=575627

Warning for parents with intact boys:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=129378

This is an AWESOME article about doctors. Bottom line if your doc
ever says "Your son needs a circumcision b/c....", you will know that
this doctor doesn't have a clue about the intact boy and you should
get a new doctor:
http://www.mothering.com/articles/ne...ision/protect-
uncircson.html

This one describes possible issues that RARELY arise and the proper
plan of treatment. Notice circumcision is ONLY recommended for
frostbite, gangrene, malignancy, and serious trauma. None of these
are common problems.
http://www.nocirc.org/publish/pamphlet7.html

The last pamphlet really explains the reasons many doctors THINK they need to circ.

Finally, I want to say thank you for coming on here and having the courage to share your story. You have already taken a first step and I can promise you that if you make it your mission to help others and educate others, you will feel a great deal of peace.

As for the guilt. We all have guilt for circumcision. Even if those of us that did not circ our sons. We are all responsible for this horrific tradition and its existence. Everyday is an opportunity to educate others and CHANGE our nation, until that happens we are all guilty.

Big Hugs,
jen

[awest]

Baybee, you may absolutely use my story to inform doulas! That is the part of my story that bothers me the most. I was really leaning towards NOT circing and had explained to all our family why and given counterarguments to all of their arguments, but in the back of my mind I wondered about FIL because he comes from a country where they don't circ but he had to have it done later in life. I figured this was not the norm and was very rare UNTIL the doula told me that it happens all the time now. I do blame myself for taking her at her word and not really researching the statistics (I am usually an OVER researcher so I don't know why, sigh). But, this was the second doula we talked to who didn't discourage it, and honestly if ONE of them had said "I wouldn't do it" it would have swayed me. But, EVERYONE we spoke to said we should and the research I had looked at all basically said there are small chances of infections/etc but not enough to do it, so I thought well if everyone says we should and the research says there is even a small chance then maybe we should.

I am feeling like I'm on the road to forgiving myself. It's helped to talk it out with people. I know that what I did I did out of love and trying to protect my son, I just hate that I've permanently disfigured him because I didn't take the time to look into it more. I do hope that more doulas are educated to inform their clients about circumcision. I know I felt our doulas were on the same page as us as far as the attachment/natural style of parenting so I figured that if circumcision was really bad they would be very much against it.

Our birthing doula ended up not being able to be there for the birth, so we got the backup doula who we had never met. She was amazing and I KNOW there was a reason we ended up with her. If she had been our doula from the beginning, I think she would have been more adamently against circing, but she also never brought it up to us at the hospital even after the birth was over and she saw it was a boy. Maybe you could talk to the doulas about being in that type of situation also. Even a backup doula can have a huge impact on that decision last minute.

Thank you to everyone who responded. I know I'll be speaking up to everyone I know who's having a boy from now on. I don't want any other mothers to feel the way I do and there really needs to be more people saying "just don't do it."