6.5 year old w/ separation anxiety

[pinecone]

My 6.5 year old is an only child. My DH & I have not had much social time since she's been born and our relationship has suffered for it. We are making a more of a commitment to get out together but our DD puts up a huge fuss when we have a babysitter come. The person we've hired is a friend's daughter, not a stranger, and our DD has been watched at her house before with no problem.

My tendency is to think my DD's dramatic tears and melt-down ("don't go mommy!!") is really just a manipulative gesture to try and get what she wants. However, I don't want to ignore the extent of her work-up over our leaving and so I've given her lots of snuggle time and asked why she's unhappy about our going out. Told her she could tell us anything without getting into trouble, etc. But she doesn't come forth with any real reason she's sad, angry, or otherwise disturbed by our going out. I've tried to make this time with the sitter more fun, as in she can stay up later, they can have treats, the sitter will play with her (color, games, read books, etc.) but she will have nothing of it.

What should I do to make this less stressful for DD so DH and I can get out of the house more often?

Thanks,
Denise

[lindberg99]

What time does she go to bed? Could you put her to bed and then go out with DH while the sitter is there? Of course, you'd have to tell her the sitter would be there so she wouldn't wake up to find you're not there and get upset.

[pinecone]

Thanks for the response. She begins getting ready for bed at 7 so that she is asleep by 8. We did exactly what you suggested tonight, but that won't always work especially if we want to go out to dinner or are going to a time-specific event.

[katiecat]

How is she with the sitter after you are gone? I tend to think that's quite important. If she's ok then I would be more comfortable with it and just try to get through the "drama" beforehand as best you can. If she really does still seem upset (and you'll have to rely on the sitter's account of this) I might lay off on this for a few weeks or months and try again later. It depends on your dd a lot. I know for ds if we just cancel something he's really upset about he will often be ok with it at another time. Maybe it's about control. But other times if you do something once it's hard to change it later...if that makes sense.

DS is 6.5 right now, too, and it seems to be a very turbulent time in their lives. A lot of "freaking out" here.

[pinecone]

You asked how she is with the sitter. Well, she's a bit silly and over-active. Kind of disrespectful, but not in the sense of doing things really naughty, but rather being really silly, ie chewing food and sticking out her tongue so everyone can see it, or jumping around, etc. Like a burst of nervous energy looking for some kind of reaction. This was mostly in the past, with a previous baby sitter. The babysitter tried to correct her but lacked the sound of authority (or perhaps confidence) in her voice, and DD did not respond. This is not how she is with me or DH.

The sitter we have now has only been seen at her house, not ours, so I don't think there has been that kind of behavior from DD. I'll add that the sitter is a young 13, but loves kids and is very engaged and playful and the older sister to a girl a bit younger than our DD. I don't doubt her ability, but do think our DD might respond better to a college-aged sitter, but that's not what we have and I feel weird with asking a total stranger to try to babysit. I think for all of us it feels better to stick with those familiar with our family and our crunchy lifestyle.

[OakBerry]

I also have a 6.5 son and he acts like this sometimes.
I don't have any choice though, I have a chronic illness and am currently going through chemo. I have to go, and he has to have a babysitter.
One thing that has helped us is MY reaction. I tend to feel guilty and upset about leaving him, and I was kissing him alot and endlessly reminding him that I'd be back etc. I think they pick up on that.
I've really made an effort to be confident and cheerful when I leave. I tell him "have a good time with Papa (his granpa) and I'll see you in 3 hours!) I don't linger around and fuss over him and I think it's made a big difference in his reaction.

[katiecat]

Originally Posted by pinecone

The sitter we have now has only been seen at her house, not ours, so I don't think there has been that kind of behavior from DD. I'll add that the sitter is a young 13, but loves kids and is very engaged and playful and the older sister to a girl a bit younger than our DD. I don't doubt her ability, but do think our DD might respond better to a college-aged sitter, but that's not what we have and I feel weird with asking a total stranger to try to babysit. I think for all of us it feels better to stick with those familiar with our family and our crunchy lifestyle.

Yeah, I agree, too. I can't really imagine asking a stranger to babysit. Unless I had no other choice.

By how is she with the sitter I meant does she still seem sad and upset and really like she misses you. It seems not. I think the drama before is probably very real to her as in the anticipation of you leaving is stressful for her but it seems she is ok once it actually happens. I don't know how many times you've actually left her like this but I think it could take many times before the drama dies down. I'm not very good at thinking up possible strategies for helping...like people recommend the kissing hand and things like that. It's never helped my son. What helps him is just getting through it and seeing it's not as bad as he was worried about (he is like that).

For my son I have to walk this line between showing him I understand his feelings are very intense and real to him and also not getting dragged into them. When someone is "freaking out" with me (and my son does this A LOT over a lot of things - not just me leaving him) I tend to go into shutdown mode and just outwardly appear very calm and controlled. Which is good in a way but also makes it seem to ds like I don't care about his feelings. Oops, I'm turning this into being about me!!

[Pookietooth]

My 5.5 year old has the same issue, and is also an only child. We have never used a sitter, but recently he was on a playdate with a friend (while I was there), and I went shopping while he stayed (because he didn't want to leave), and that was ok for him. Could you stay for awhile and let him get used to being there?

[One_Girl]

I think that it may help to prepare her in advance for the time when the babysitter will come over and remind her that you will both say good bye and give her a hug and then you will leave and she can choose to cry and be miserable or to have fun with the babysitter. A lot of times a parent will say good bye several times and then not leave because the kid is crying or they keep coming back and the kid gets more and more worked up and it is very frustrating to see a parent driving their kid into hysterics that take longer to come out of. If you are prolonging the time you are there before you leave then don't say good bye until you absolutely mean goodbye. It may also help to read her a book and spend some snuggle time right before the babysitter gets there and remind her that when the babysitter gets there you and her father will leave.

If she gets some really fun food and movies that she can't have with you that will help her to view it as a fun time rather than a boring time. Maybe you could both go shopping that day for the movie treats and go to a rental place to rent the movie.
As a teen this is the kind of babysitting I did and it was fun for both me and the kids, this is also what my mother did when she went out and I remember being very happy that she was leaving because we only got movie rentals and junk food when we had a babysitter.