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HBAT Tribe - Page 2

post #21 of 77
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaCaveBear View Post
OK, sorry. I'll look elsewhere, maybe a different thread would be better.
Hmmmm... I know I am ready for some sort of action.... But I understand what Jess was getting at....

For me I have began to try and visualize the birth I want and I am studying up on UCing. Also I have begun to really clean and organize my house. My next step is to get healthier physically and mentally.

I think we are all taking some actions (just coming here to post is one!) it's just we are at different places.

CaveWoman~ do you have a birth plan? Would you like to share it?
post #22 of 77
Thread Starter 
Also I would like to talk about "getting the word out" about birth trauma. I think a lot of women don't even realized that is what has happened to them- that they have been traumatized and even more are ashamed of it especially if they "had done everything right" like had a homebirth and/or unmedicated, etc.

I know this sounds so dumb and minuscule but having a smilie would make it feel more recognized here. We have one for everything else, it seems. I am going to request one.
post #23 of 77
Count me in too. I'm expecting #2 in June...and have been trying to work through my "birth" (can't even call it that) trauma that came with my daughter for 5 years.

One of the things that gets me about my case (and I'm sure I'm not alone) is people's responses to my feelings about my "Not Really A" birth. They complete negate my feelings and basically offer up a "Stop complaining" vibe.

Anyway... I'm here...and rambling.
post #24 of 77
Willowsmom - I have the same problem. I can't call what happened to me a 'birth'. I can't even say 'when DD was born' because what happened to us was so far from what birth should be that it defiles the word to use it (does that make any sense?)
And yes, very few people know or understand about Birth Trauma and/or Birth Rape. The vast majority of people will come out with the same trite offerings of 'a healthy mom and a healthy baby' 'just be grateful' etc. But IMO mental health is just as important if not more so than physical health, and both mom and baby are damaged by traumatic births.
MamaCaveBear - don't leave! I am in no way ready to even DTD, let alone TTC, so I am miles off from ever having another birth, but I have found that when the nightmares and flashbacks keep me awake at 3 am that one of the things I can do to calm myself a bit is to start planning ahead and figuring out how I can minimise/prevent trauma if I ever did have another baby.
I've started out from the most major intervention possible - C-section and I've started slowly building a picture in my head; under what circumstances would I feel that a C-section was actually necessary, e.g. placenta accreta, cord prolapse.. What questions would I ask? If I accept a C-section what can I do to make it the best possible experience? And so on. It's all very hazy and vague right now, but that's probably because I don't have the time pressure that you do. However, I would love to help come up with a 'plan of action' for all of us here.
I'm just not really sure where exactly to start....
post #25 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by lisabeeprague View Post
Willowsmom - I have the same problem. I can't call what happened to me a 'birth'. I can't even say 'when DD was born' because what happened to us was so far from what birth should be that it defiles the word to use it (does that make any sense?)
And yes, very few people know or understand about Birth Trauma and/or Birth Rape. The vast majority of people will come out with the same trite offerings of 'a healthy mom and a healthy baby' 'just be grateful' etc. But IMO mental health is just as important if not more so than physical health, and both mom and baby are damaged by traumatic births.
I can't say "when DD was born" either... I'm at a loss of what to say when I talk about it. lol

I've been told that I should "get over it", that "I should be thankful that Willow was ok and that I healed quickly." ...and you hear that so much that you start to doubt your emotions and feelings about the whole experience. I started to feel guilty that I was sweating over the whole thing, y'know? So I tried to do things that I thought would make me feel better. About 3 months after, I went to the Dr. and asked him to show me my chart. I asked him what they saw that would lead them to the conclusion that it was an emergency. You know what the answer was? "Your c-section was probably unnecessary, but we were making the best decision we could with the information we had at the time." Really. Thanks a heap, Sweeney Todd.

I left his office not feeling better at all... I left feeling angry.

So, now I'm 8 weeks along with the 2nd kiddo, something I didn't even imagine would happen...and while I'm excited and happy... I feel that anger again. I'm a lot more confident to ask for what I need to make sure I get the BIRTH I want. That in itself is pretty freakin' healing.
post #26 of 77
Count me in. We had a really traumatic experience, and I also don't even feel like we can call it a birth. When I talk about it, I usually say "when we were in the hospital" or something like that. I sort of half-kid that they weren't born, they were surgically removed (only it's not funny because it's true). I really had been feeling like I was okay with how things went, but for some reason around their first birthday it all started to come back, and I feel like I am NOT okay with it at all. We missed out on so much. I didn't even get to hold them until they were 5 days old. And yes, I'm tired of hearing that they are happy and healthy and I should be satisfied with that. OF COURSE I'm thankful that they are happy and healthy, but the rest matters too!

It all really came back again the the other night, when I got an email from a friend who had just given birth, saying that she had to have a c-section. I wrote her a nice email saying that I would be there for her, and then I went and cried the rest of the night. I think that I had such high hopes for their birth, like somehow the world would be redeemed if I could just know one person who had a joyous birth. And I am very sad for them and very sad in general, because I feel like I lost a lot of hope. I don't know if that makes sense.

Anyway, I would love to talk about strategies for healing now, and strategies for making our next birth go more smoothly. oops, gotta run; babies are awake!
post #27 of 77
Thread Starter 
So I posted requesting a birth trauma smilie in Q&S and I think I might have offended someone with the suggestion so I'd like to apologize and say that I had only the best intentions. I was thinking of all the VBAC and c-section and birth loss and all those smilies not the happy-go-lucky ones.
post #28 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by valkyrina View Post
Count me in. We had a really traumatic experience, and I also don't even feel like we can call it a birth. When I talk about it, I usually say "when we were in the hospital" or something like that. I sort of half-kid that they weren't born, they were surgically removed (only it's not funny because it's true). I really had been feeling like I was okay with how things went, but for some reason around their first birthday it all started to come back, and I feel like I am NOT okay with it at all. We missed out on so much. I didn't even get to hold them until they were 5 days old. And yes, I'm tired of hearing that they are happy and healthy and I should be satisfied with that. OF COURSE I'm thankful that they are happy and healthy, but the rest matters too!

It all really came back again the the other night, when I got an email from a friend who had just given birth, saying that she had to have a c-section. I wrote her a nice email saying that I would be there for her, and then I went and cried the rest of the night. I think that I had such high hopes for their birth, like somehow the world would be redeemed if I could just know one person who had a joyous birth. And I am very sad for them and very sad in general, because I feel like I lost a lot of hope. I don't know if that makes sense.

Anyway, I would love to talk about strategies for healing now, and strategies for making our next birth go more smoothly. oops, gotta run; babies are awake!
I had some issues around DD's first birthday too (a couple weeks ago), and I didn't even realize at the time why I was so moody and irritable. But I had definitely been thinking back to her "birth" and it was pretty depressing.

I had a friend who gave birth recently, and I also felt like I needed her to have a good birth, for me. She ended up having a hospital transfer, but still birthed naturally, and for some reason that really did make me feel great. I think that if she had a c/s, I would have been super depressed all over again. So I totally know what you mean valkyrina


Quote:
Originally Posted by magstphil View Post
So I posted requesting a birth trauma smilie in Q&S and I think I might have offended someone with the suggestion so I'd like to apologize and say that I had only the best intentions. I was thinking of all the VBAC and c-section and birth loss and all those smilies not the happy-go-lucky ones.
I think the birth trauma "smilie" is a great idea. Does anyone have any ideas of what might be nice? I could attempt to put something together if I had some ideas.... How about a flower (what kind?)?
post #29 of 77
I was thinking something like this : plus this combined.

Something a bit more graphic would be : plus

Or we could come up with a ribbon color, but I have a hard enough time keeping track of what all the ribbons mean, especially the ones with multiple meanings.
post #30 of 77
Thread Starter 
I also kind of "rely" on friend's births. I had a friend recently have a UC and that was so strengthening to me!

Quote:
Originally Posted by changingseasons View Post
I think the birth trauma "smilie" is a great idea. Does anyone have any ideas of what might be nice? I could attempt to put something together if I had some ideas.... How about a flower (what kind?)?
I have been at a loss for what to do with it. I love the idea of a flower! I am partial to sunflowers because my DH says I remind him of them as they move to the sun. Isn't a lily a sign of mourning or is it just death? I don't know exactly what one can do with such a small image though so...

I had thought of maybe a heart- maybe blue or purple? I'm not so great at this sort of thing
post #31 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by quarteralien View Post
I was thinking something like this : plus this combined.

Something a bit more graphic would be : plus

Or we could come up with a ribbon color, but I have a hard enough time keeping track of what all the ribbons mean, especially the ones with multiple meanings.
On second thought, I don't like the second one. We want to focus on healing, not the hurt of the past.
post #32 of 77
Quote:
Originally Posted by quarteralien View Post
I was thinking something like this : plus this combined.

Something a bit more graphic would be : plus

Or we could come up with a ribbon color, but I have a hard enough time keeping track of what all the ribbons mean, especially the ones with multiple meanings.
I can never keep track of the ribbons either....

I had to stare at that first image for about 5 minutes before I figured out what it was. I thought it was a snail at first. :

Quote:
Originally Posted by magstphil View Post
I also kind of "rely" on friend's births. I had a friend recently have a UC and that was so strengthening to me!


I have been at a loss for what to do with it. I love the idea of a flower! I am partial to sunflowers because my DH says I remind him of them as they move to the sun. Isn't a lily a sign of mourning or is it just death? I don't know exactly what one can do with such a small image though so...

I had thought of maybe a heart- maybe blue or purple? I'm not so great at this sort of thing
The lily is really pretty... but then we would be focusing on mourning, rather than healing from our trauma. Although there is some mourning in healing... I don't know. I will wait for some more votes before I try to put something together.
post #33 of 77
[QUOTE=changingseasons;12500220]I had to stare at that first image for about 5 minutes before I figured out what it was. I thought it was a snail at first. :/QUOTE]

: I probably would have too.
post #34 of 77
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by quarteralien View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by changingseasons View Post
I had to stare at that first image for about 5 minutes before I figured out what it was. I thought it was a snail at first. :
: I probably would have too.
It took me a minute when I first saw it, too.

Perhaps a bandage over a heart? That does seem to focus more on the trauma than the healing although a bandage is "healing"...

Will we have words? To clarify at least? Should it say something like "Healing Birth Trauma" or "Birth Trauma"?
post #35 of 77
Ooh- I like the bandage over heart idea.

I think that the words would be hard to fit in without making the smilie really big. Maybe we could just do HBAT, kind of like this one : and then of course link to this thread so that people know what it stands for.
post #36 of 77
I'd like to join. to all of you.
post #37 of 77
I like the smilie idea too, what about a pair of hands cupping the pregnant belly but without the spiral, maybe a heart inside?, to show support and care (instead of whatever crap actually happened).

FWIW, right now I am in the position of wanting a UC on my own with my partner, and wanting skilled midwives there and available to prevent any non-emergency transfer because we don't know what we are doing, and wouldn't know if something was wrong.

I like one of the midwives, but it will be 2 out of the available four that will come to the birth. I am trying to get over my panic and anxiety so that I am not the pain in the a$$ client they don't care about and wouldn't do their best for, but it is really really hard. I spent the entire visit Tuesday (my 2nd) trying to maintain composure and not cry, which led to me not really talking and avoiding eye contact and probably being hard to figure out.

I called and tried to explain myself today and apologized for being a freak, but to my credit I did warn them that I was a freak before I ever went in for an appt.

So that is where I am at.

And I found out we are having a boy.

love y'all
post #38 of 77
How about a peony (flower) for the emoticon? I looked up flower meanings and it means healing, which is appropriate. It would also be a relatively easy one to design - it's a large pink flower with multiple layers of petals. I also have lots of trouble keeping track of the ribbons, so not sure if another one would be a good idea.
MamaCaveBear - have you told your midwives about your previous trauma? If you did I would hope that they would be understanding of your emotional state and extra careful not to cause you any further trauma. Congrats on the boy!
post #39 of 77
--just popping in to give feedback on the "smilie" idea--

I really think you all should go for it. I like the idea of a flower a lot. And don't forget, when you see an emoticon on MDC that you don't "get" right away, you can mouse over the emoticon and get the title. For example scroll over : and you should see a box with 'bellycast' pop up.
post #40 of 77
Thread Starter 
I was thinking of it being more of a birth trauma smilie rather than a HBAT (although that'd be cool too). It's just that so many mothers have suffered from birth trauma who aren't going to have more children and they deserve to be recognized as well, ykwim?
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