I need some advice - not kid friendly

[JenniferH]

I need someone who has BTDT to PM me and chit chat. Or you can answer here. I'm comfortable with either format. I wasn't sure where else to post this where I could get some honest advice and not get flamed.

My BF and I have discussed inviting someone else in at some point in the future (ie threesome). Casual only. We would not be inviting them into our relationship. I have nothing against it, in theory. Neither of us has ever done it, but he's thought about it quite a bit and I've considered it before. I need some pros and cons and some caveats.

We have discussed inviting a woman or a man, or even a couple. Of course, he wants me to find a woman I'M interested in to invite. It's his ultimate fantasy. I was opposed to it at first, but I've been going over some scenarios in my head, and they all seem like they would be pretty, um, exciting. We both identify as straight, and neither of us would likely be in a relationship with someone of the same gender outside of experiencing this together.

I feel like we should strengthen our bond and establish our relationship first, and he agrees. I believe we are both mature enough to handle it, and keep it casual only. We both want a long term relationship with each other, but want to experiment a little too. I just don't want to trash our relationship and there would have to be some definite ground rules. Both of us agree it's something we should do as a couple, because neither of us wants to be left at home while the other is catting around. I think that just leaves the door open for dishonesty. We both agree on so many levels about this.

I have trust issues with men anyway, so this is a big leap for me. I'm learning to trust him because he's been so honest with me. I told him I expect nothing less than total transparency in our relationship, and he agrees that he wants the same thing. It has opened a lot of discussions for us. We communicate VERY well. I'm still having some misgivings about it, and I really think it's just me and my trust issues. Being intimate with a woman doesn't bother me, but he thinks I'm just weirded out about it. I used to be, but the more I think about it, the less I say nay. I think women are beautiful and sexy, and he wouldn't have a problem with another man joining us. I can be very jealous sometimes, so it's going to be a baby step process. He is far more evolved than me, because he says he loves me enough that he would have a hard time saying no to me about anything I really wanted, even if it was sex with another person.

I'm a little trepidatious, but I don't have anything against the idea (other than the trust factor). So far being with him has been very awakening...

How do you go about this and still keep your couple/family status intact? I want to grow old with him, but I think we both will need some experimentation to be together for our entire lives. We want to stay committed to each other, build a home and life together, raise a family... But I don't think either of us are cut out for straight monogamy for eternity. Both of us have had issues with it in the past.

Can you tell this entirely new ground for both of us? We had both decided to be true to ourselves, and find what we really wanted in a partner before we started dating. I'm going to stop talking now...

I need advice from one of you oh-so-sage mamas.

[AugustLia23]

Seems like you have had a good honest open discussion about things. Don't stop any of that. Honesty is the key to healthy relationships, as well as respecting others limits/boundaries.

Next step is to figure out just what each of you are looking for, and how it will work for your relationship. You say you are both straight, what would you get out of inviting another women to your bed? What would he get out of a man? Explore these feelings further, open yourself up to what it means. Keep talking, keep communicating.

DW and I have had this conversation going for almost as long as we've been in this relationship. As time had gone on, our desires and expectations have changed. As have our ground rules. Nothing is set in stone, and sometimes you cannot avoid situations that you were trying to avoid. This applies to everything in life, not just open relationships.

Have fun, I think personally that relationships are meant to be closer to this than the other way. Better to have honesty and openness than broken hearts and lives.

[JenniferH]

Next step is to figure out just what each of you are looking for, and how it will work for your relationship. You say you are both straight, what would you get out of inviting another women to your bed? What would he get out of a man? Explore these feelings further, open yourself up to what it means. Keep talking, keep communicating.

Aside from the obvious physical pleasure, we are both curious about what it would be like to be with someone of the same sex. Again, I don't see myself dating a woman, or him dating a man, (romanticallyl) but the curiosity is there for both of us sexually.

If it makes us bi-curious/sexual, then so be it. I'm not so worried about the "label" that goes along with it... To me it's just two people who love each other trying to do what it takes to be true to ourselves and each other.

I think we are both at a point in our lives where we've realized the model of a relationship we've both been trying to follow just hasn't worked for us up to this point. We want to do what makes us happy and keeps us together. I have been very rigid about my expectations of relationships in the past, and they have all failed miserably. I am opening myself up to new experiences and I want to have them with someone I love who loves me.

As I stated before, being with him so far has been very awakening and refreshing, and I don't see that ending any time soon.

Thank you for your very thoughtful post.

[JenniferH]

Wow! 186 views and no one else is going to chime in?

[ErikaG]

I admit to being several of the 186 views, and starting to comment several times but never quite being comfortable with what I'm writing.

My husband and I have been in an open relationship from the beginning-in fact, we came to our current relationship after previous open relationships. So this isn't something I can actively discourage on the surface...I'm just not sure what to say, or what advice I have. On the other hand, if you want to PM or email me and talk more, perhaps I'll be able to offer some more constructive advice.

[feminist~mama]

My DP and I have an open relationship- not quite what you're describing- he's currently out "catting around" with another woman, lol. But we've had threesomes and certainly enjoy that.

But back to the real question: How do you do this type of thing and not trash the relationship?

Well- sometimes it's hard. Communication is really really important. Don't expect that you or he won't feel jealous at times, even though you've both agreed to this. Emotions are what they are. Talk about them, don't let them fester, don't ignore them.

"The Ethical Slut" is a book that generally comes highly recommended- you might want to pick up a copy if you haven't already read it.

[TracyH1975]

Question

Are you a parent?

[JenniferH]

Yes. I have a 9 year old.

[Monkeygrrl]

feel free to email me at [e-mail], or googlechat me at webelong2us...i am living in a 3some, and can answer your questions...i understand you are not looking to have this be a live-in situation, but i might be helpful...

peace...

[JenniferH]

Thanks, everyone, for your support and advice. We have other transitions to make in our relationship before we get to this, but I've been doing a lot of thinking about it and I really appreciate the response I've gotten.

We don't even live in the same town yet! Things are progressing nice and slow, which is a big change for me from previous relationships.

I really believe he's the one for me, given that I'm willing to open up and experiment with different things (sexually) more than I have been before. It says a lot about the level of trust I have in him, and our level of communication.

I have a lot more to think about, but I'll keep this all in mind. Thanks!

[GoddessJ]

First of all I just want to commend you for your bravery to step into new territory for your relationship, and doing with clear communication and transparency have been the best ways in my experience.

I have been in many different versions of alternative relationships, from polyamory and living together, to open relationships where other couples are the focus, to trying more of a play party approach. Currently I am in a long term almost 7 year relationship that is more polyamorous, and a newer relationship (18 months) where he is dating regularly and we attend play parties together. I am now almost 6 months pregnant with my newer partner.

How does it all work without destroying relationships? For me it is about being clear with yourself what you want and how you would like to keep what you value. Don't make compromises in this situation, find either synergy with each other or a place where there is a shift in value. Even when you have the best intentions sometimes the clarity isn't there when communicating these things, so be patient with each other. Also be willing to see your relationship as it is transforming. I like to think that relationships never end...they just transform.

There are two great books I recommend to people interested in open relationships.

Don't Be Nice, Be Real By Kelly Bryson
and
Opening Up by Tristian Taoromino

Hope that helps.

[Ruthla]

Sorry to be another "viewer who doesn't post" but your thread title was just too intruiging NOT to open up and read! I fully respect "non traditional" relationships but they're not for me, so I can't give you any practical pointers. I'm willing to bet that a lot of the other views were from similar situations.

[1littlebit]

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Sorry to be another "viewer who doesn't post" but your thread title was just too intruiging NOT to open up and read! I fully respect "non traditional" relationships but they're not for me, so I can't give you any practical pointers. I'm willing to bet that a lot of the other views were from similar situations.

that would be me too. but i think in the best thing i can tell you is do what makes you happy and be honest with yourself and your partners.