I think the trauma began before the "birth"

[sparklett]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, so feel free to move it.

I need to get something off my chest. I haven't posted to this forum before, but I think it's time.

I planned a home birth but ended up with an emergency c-section at 33 weeks due to severe preeclampsia. Literally everything about the "birth" was traumatic. In the end, I ended up with PPD and PTSD. Here's the link to my birth story if you're interested in some depressing poolside reading: http://bloggingbabyjack.blogspot.com/
Anyway, I am starting to be able to think about the arrival of my son without falling apart, so I think I'm slowing starting to heal in that area.

But now I'm dealing with something else. I'm starting to feel better about the birth side of things, but now something from the pregnancy side of things is really starting to mess with my life. Back when I was first pregnant (two years ago), I didn't know whether I was going to go with a midwife or an OB, so I went to my first prenatal appt. with an OB. My DH came with me. The male OB was very abrupt with me and I submitted to a very uncomfortable pelvic exam. Up until that moment, the only person who had ever done a pelvic exam on me was my female family doctor whom I had known for 20 years. I felt so emotionally and physically uncomfortable during and after the pelvic exam performed by my OB.

Now here's the problem- ever since the less-than-stellar "birth" of my son, intimacy with my DH has been difficult. And lately when we try to be intimate, I have intrusive thoughts about that horrible pelvic exam with the OB. Those thoughts, combined with the mild pain during intercourse that I have had almost every time since my c-section, makes it almost impossible to be intimate with DH, since it seems like lately I'm equating intimacy with pelvic exams.

What do I do about this? Is this considered part of the birth trauma? Something else entirely? Has anyone else ever felt violated during a prenatal pelvic exam, the effects of which didn't crop up until much later? I'm wondering if my preliminary negative experience with the OB actually amplified the negative experiences I had during the c-section (performed by a different, male OB).

I hope all of this makes sense. I've been ruminating on this for awhile and would like to hear your thoughts. Thanks.

[MadameXCupcake]

I just wanted to offer a and let you know you aren't alone.
I had my daughter seven months ago at a home birth the problem is my midwife insisted on doing a pelvic exam and it was SO painful. I pushed with my feet on the bed trying to get away and she didn't stop.

I am still not over it, I hope you heal mama.

[sparkysgirl]

I totally understand how you feel, especially the part about intrusive feelings during intimacy. When my dh goes to touch me I would feel this way. Some how Iwas able to communicate with him (never told him about those thoughts that would creep up though...maybe I should) I told him to go slower. Something about it really helped, him being slow and loving instead of quick (like a pelvic exam) it really helped.

[CCKing]

I fully understand what you are going through. I too had an emergency C-section and the entire ordeal was very traumatic. I understand your feelings of being "violated" and I had those same feelings, not from a pelvic exam, but from the c-section and all that occurred prior and afterwards.

It took me about a year and half to be able to reach a point where I could truly enjoy being intimate again.

The desire was gone, instead it was somewhat painful and I was very, very reserved. The thought of doing anything intimate was scary and just put too much attention and focus on that entire area of my body which then brought up all the feelings of devestation, upset, etc.

What you are going through sounds very normal too me, and the fact that you may have spotted an earlier beginning to the trauma is probably part of the healing processs. Being able to go over it and talk about it and release as much of the negative feelings seems like a healthy thing to do.

I just wanted to say that things are now back to normal again between myself and DH. We had to take it very slow for a long time and although DH was rather impatient at times... that phase seems like a long ago memory now.

I hope you are able to make your way slowly to a more comfortable place.
Hugs.