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DSD "spying" on us after bedtime!

post #1 of 37
Thread Starter 
And she caught us DTD!
And then told her mom!

DH just told me last night that DSD1 told her mom last week that she was spying on us and caught ud DTD. she was supposed to be in bed. she had been in bed for 2 hours before we even went to bed. Both DSDs live with us full time. DSD 1 is not a bio child for either of us but DH thought he was until she was 2. i have been with DH since she was one.
i feel violated i guess. i confronted her this morning and found out that she routinely spies on us in the middle of the night. she gets up on purpose to spy on us. we usually leave the door open so that we can hear if they get up but apparently she is very quiet. so quiet that her sister sleeping in the bottom bunk doesnt even hear her. DSD2 thinks she is lying.
she def saw something though. Now DH is freaked out and wouldnt even touch me last night. i am afraid it will be months before we DTD again! aaack. i tried to explain to her how wrong it was to spy on us like that. we use the term "fences" for boundaries. i explained that that was the biggest fence she had ever crossed here and that DH and I were kinda upset about it.
yk i could have sworn i shut the door too. it was like at midnight. what do i have to do? lock her in her room? jk, i wouldnt do that. guess i will have to live without DTD. sigh.
would i feel like this if it had been a bio kid. yes. it is the whole deliberately spying thing. i feel kinda icky now too. help!
post #2 of 37
Delurking..

What about a baby monitor in or near their room, turn it on and then shut your door while you and DH have private time? Open your door again when you are done and going to sleep?

Not saying that the spying doesn't need addressed, because it does.. but the above may help DH feel more comfortable about DTD (though I understand his being freaked out).
post #3 of 37
put a good lock on your door
post #4 of 37
When my sisters were little, they were snoopy so my parents put one of those door chimes on their bedroom door and my sisters' so they knew when one was trying to sneak out. The first couple of times, it freaked them out and they never did it again. My mom was also paranoid about someone sneaking into the house nad kidnapping so thats the other reason she had it there. But now DH and I have a loft (with no door... ergh) so we have an electronic chime at the bottom of our stairs to alert us to spies. But my kids are totally disinterested in anything that goes on up there. DS (6) caught us DTD once. DH sat him down and started giving him the 6 year old version of the sex talk. As expected, he didnt have to get into much detail because he got as far as kissing and cuddling and DS bolted to his room.
post #5 of 37
This is a six year old? Sounds like she's waking up needing nighttime parenting and not coming to you for company.

Anyway you can invite her to wake you up if she gets up at night, that you want her to know you're there for her day or night?

Have you talked with her about why she's having trouble sleeping?
post #6 of 37
If it is a need for nighttime reassurance maybe this would work. We have a tri-level, our girls are on the top floor and our bedroom is on the bottom. There is a babymonitor in their bathroom. If they are coming down to get in bed with us and it is still dark out they must first whisper into the monitor "I'm coming to your bed now." We started the rule because they would lay in bed and scream for someone to come get them and then wake each other up. in your situation it might help address the "spying" without coming across too negative to your dsd
post #7 of 37
Just get up and shut and lock your door when you're dtd and then unlock and open when all done. Not a big deal. Do you have an issue with her "spying" on you at other times if you're talking or sleeping or getting dressed or undressed? She probably just wants to connect with you, but I agree there need to be boundaries. A closed locked door is a very effective boundary.
post #8 of 37
Have you considered finding other times and places to DTD? I know that is easier said than done, DH and I both work 40 hrs a week have 3 kids so its hard but it definitely makes things more fun and interesting and less likely to attract spies... if its spontanious, DSD wont know when to spy!
post #9 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by acory23 View Post
Have you considered finding other times and places to DTD? I know that is easier said than done, DH and I both work 40 hrs a week have 3 kids so its hard but it definitely makes things more fun and interesting and less likely to attract spies... if its spontanious, DSD wont know when to spy!
I think this is solving the wrong problem.
post #10 of 37
I'm no expert, having just stumbled in here from the main board, but just wanted to chime in & say I think this is pretty normal behaviour for a kid ... or at least I hope it is, as I myself did some covert espionage on my parents back in the day! Unless there's a pattern here I don't know about, I would be less inclined to see this as something sneaky and disturbing and more inclined to see it as natural curiousity. Maybe have a little talk with her about privacy, and then get a lock for your bedroom door.
post #11 of 37
It solves one of them... solving one is a good first step. But if it is done that way, it opens that time in the evening for them to be able to focus on fulfilling the needs of the child. Perhaps the child gets snoopy because she doesnt like the fact that there is something going on that she isnt a part of. You cant tell me that when you were a kid you didnt want to go to bed ebcause you thought your parents had wild parties or lots of fun after you fell asleep. Its normal.

And not all kids who get up at night are doing so because they need more night time parenting. My DS is just nosey. I know this to be true. He has admited to it... he is just curious. Same reason he tries to sneak a peek down women's shirts every time he has a chance. Same reason my DD decided to go snooping through my bedroom. Same reason I tried to spy on my parents when I was a little kid.

Its such a secret taboo thing and kids feed on that.

I am not saying that its not a case of a tot needing some extra night time attention. I am just saying, freeing up that time would help to aleviate some tension. As foryour poor scarred DH, this will help him to recover from this experience
post #12 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Cellaneous View Post
Maybe have a little talk with her about privacy, and then get a lock for your bedroom door.
(when we had a door) we had a lock... DSD who was 3 at the time would stand outside the door and knock and yell... "DAAAAAADDDYYYY!!! DADDY, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU! DADDY! DADDY! I NEED TO COME IN THERE! ITS AN EMERGENCY! DADDY!..." Then when he would emerge, she would giggle and say "I just wanted to say love you and get a hug"
It was a classic case of a three year old wanting to let us know that she expects to be the center of attention. Finally, after talking to her until we were blue in the face, my 8 year old DD talked to her and explained to her that people need space. She "needs space, mommy needs space, daddy needs space. And when its bed time thats when grown ups get their own space." (actually I think this was more so that she would go back to bed and be quiet because the two girls shared a room)

sometimes its that easy though... lock the door but expect the knocking
post #13 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by beanma View Post
Just get up and shut and lock your door when you're dtd and then unlock and open when all done. Not a big deal. Do you have an issue with her "spying" on you at other times if you're talking or sleeping or getting dressed or undressed? She probably just wants to connect with you, but I agree there need to be boundaries. A closed locked door is a very effective boundary.



My DSD did this too at that age. The lock on the door solved the problem.
post #14 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by LionessMom View Post
i could have sworn i shut the door too.
could she of just heard it and not saw it?? she could of been listening at the door to hear if you are talking or or sleeping. i would say get a sliding lock on the top of your door so it dont seem like i am locking you out. i have one and use it :: works like a charm. when you get up to shut the door you just slide it and then unlock it when done and open the door back up. it really is not big deal.

my dd has caught me before more then once.

as to sneeking around some kids are just like that i was big time and i was quite had to be my mom i dubed when i was older the owl (looks like sleeping but was always awake in a second)
i would talk to her about why she is up (bad dream, needing comfort, had to pee, hungry/thursty, couldnt get back to sleep)
depending on the answer you could set up a plan. if she had a bad dream or just needed the comfort she could come in to your room and if the door is shut she should knock. if she needs a snack or a drink she could get something. if she cant get back to sleep maybe a toy or something she could do in bed.
post #15 of 37
I don't think I could EVER relax enough to DTD without a lock on our door!!!
post #16 of 37
I wouldn't even consider DTD without being behind locked doors! I don't think my son would come into our room in the middle of the night unless it was a true emergency, but my stepdaughter STILL has not learned that a closed door means knock before barging in. And she can't keep a secret to save her life- we know EVERYTHING that goes on at her Mother's house and her Mother knows EVERYTHING that goes on at our house. If she walked in on us DTD... all I can say is, OMG! :
post #17 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
I wouldn't even consider DTD without being behind locked doors! I don't think my son would come into our room in the middle of the night unless it was a true emergency, but my stepdaughter STILL has not learned that a closed door means knock before barging in. And she can't keep a secret to save her life- we know EVERYTHING that goes on at her Mother's house and her Mother knows EVERYTHING that goes on at our house. If she walked in on us DTD... all I can say is, OMG! :
I wonder if I'll think like this when my kid gets older. Interesting to think about. I've never had a problem DTD in relatives' houses, etc, though, so I'm inclined to think not. Everyone knows you have sex if you're married and especially if you have a kid. I really don't get why it's a problem for your kid to discover you're having sex. They'll tell on you for doing something that everyone knows you're doing?
post #18 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by plunky View Post
I really don't get why it's a problem for your kid to discover you're having sex. They'll tell on you for doing something that everyone knows you're doing?
My mom had sex with her boyfriend at least a couple of times while I was in the same bed with them asleep. Once they did it while I was in their waterbed, so naturally I woke up. It was very disturbing to me. They also used to have sex in the middle of the afternoon and were very loud about it, even when I had friends over at the house. It was very embarrassing. I'm sure I experienced it differently because she wasn't my father and her boyfriend was an abusive alcoholic, but it really made me lose respect for my mom. I've thought of her basically as slutty my entire life based on these early childhood boyfriends, plus others she slept with throughout the years. I don't think I ever told any adults about it, but it was a very emotionally traumatic experience for me and something I never want my kids to experience. Based on my experience, I think it is a problem for your kids to discover you having sex and every precaution should be taken so they don't find you having sex.
post #19 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by berryblndgirl View Post
My mom had sex with her boyfriend at least a couple of times while I was in the same bed with them asleep. Once they did it while I was in their waterbed, so naturally I woke up. It was very disturbing to me.
I don't think this was appropriate, if you were not an infant.

Quote:
Originally Posted by berryblndgirl View Post
They also used to have sex in the middle of the afternoon and were very loud about it, even when I had friends over at the house. It was very embarrassing.
I think this is fine.

Quote:
Originally Posted by berryblndgirl View Post
I'm sure I experienced it differently because she wasn't my father and her boyfriend was an abusive alcoholic, but it really made me lose respect for my mom. I've thought of her basically as slutty my entire life based on these early childhood boyfriends, plus others she slept with throughout the years. I don't think I ever told any adults about it, but it was a very emotionally traumatic experience for me and something I never want my kids to experience. Based on my experience, I think it is a problem for your kids to discover you having sex and every precaution should be taken so they don't find you having sex.
I'm sorry you went through all that. But, I don't want my daughter to think sex is shameful or to be hidden. Or to think that women who have sex and don't hide it are "slutty".
post #20 of 37
Quote:
Originally Posted by berryblndgirl View Post
My mom had sex with her boyfriend at least a couple of times while I was in the same bed with them asleep. Once they did it while I was in their waterbed, so naturally I woke up. It was very disturbing to me. They also used to have sex in the middle of the afternoon and were very loud about it, even when I had friends over at the house. It was very embarrassing. I'm sure I experienced it differently because she wasn't my father and her boyfriend was an abusive alcoholic, but it really made me lose respect for my mom. I've thought of her basically as slutty my entire life based on these early childhood boyfriends, plus others she slept with throughout the years. I don't think I ever told any adults about it, but it was a very emotionally traumatic experience for me and something I never want my kids to experience. Based on my experience, I think it is a problem for your kids to discover you having sex and every precaution should be taken so they don't find you having sex.
I'm really sorry that your mom was so disrespectful of *your* boundaries. Sex is something between the participants and no one else should be involuntarily involved.

What happened to you is really different from a little kid wandering in on her caregivers in the middle of the night. And really appalling.
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