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Is this really a difficult decision? - Page 2

post #21 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by tayndrewsmama View Post
maybe I could suggest finding out about state aid or something?
Medicaid was my first thought, but I'd be really, really uncomfortable recommending it for someone who has other reasonable resources available.
post #22 of 71
Wow, that's nervy. Prada at the free clinic? Hehe.

I vote get married asap, and here's why. I was engaged when I found out I was pregnant. He wanted to get married right away, but I didn't want to be a pregnant bride, so we set a date a year down the road. He was killed in a car accident several weeks later.

His life insurance and small estate was split between his parents (who sued me--well, my insurance company-- as the owner of the car to get most of it!) and my son. My son's portion was put in trust. He'll get it when he turns 18, and I can only hope he uses it for college. I can't tell you how much of a difference that the relatively small amount of money that I would have been entitled to as his wife would have made when I was a single mother. Due to big hospital bills in his first four years, I had to file bankruptcy. I also had to jump through hoops to even get my late fiance's name on the birth certificate. It was a nightmare.

So for legal (and morbid) reasons, if they plan to marry, I always vote do it right away where a child is concerned.
post #23 of 71
I would do it, but people think I was pregnant when we got married anyway (I wasn't) I literally got pregnant the week after our wedding and she was about 5 weeks premature.
post #24 of 71
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liquesce View Post
Medicaid was my first thought, but I'd be really, really uncomfortable recommending it for someone who has other reasonable resources available.
I absolutely agree with you on that. 100%. To be honest, I have a feeling that if I tell them she could get on state aid, that may make them realize that they are being ridiculous about this. I would tell them exactly how I would feel if they went that route. Dh would probably give them hell too. They are NOT poor by any stretch and it really pisses me off that she even tried to get free care when they have a number of options available to them. I even suggested seeing a midwife, but her mom thinks that's weird.

Would she even really be eligible for Medicaid since she lives with him and it's his child?
post #25 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by neetling View Post
I would do it, but people think I was pregnant when we got married anyway (I wasn't) I literally got pregnant the week after our wedding and she was about 5 weeks premature.
Never did understand why it's anyones business anyway if your pregnant on your wedding day or not.
post #26 of 71
I would so do it - get married, I mean!
Why have the stress of no insurance while pregnant when you have the option of getting insurance?
post #27 of 71
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by VegAmanda View Post
Wow, that's nervy. Prada at the free clinic? Hehe.

I vote get married asap, and here's why. I was engaged when I found out I was pregnant. He wanted to get married right away, but I didn't want to be a pregnant bride, so we set a date a year down the road. He was killed in a car accident several weeks later.

His life insurance and small estate was split between his parents (who sued me--well, my insurance company-- as the owner of the car to get most of it!) and my son. My son's portion was put in trust. He'll get it when he turns 18, and I can only hope he uses it for college. I can't tell you how much of a difference that the relatively small amount of money that I would have been entitled to as his wife would have made when I was a single mother. Due to big hospital bills in his first four years, I had to file bankruptcy. I also had to jump through hoops to even get my late fiance's name on the birth certificate. It was a nightmare.

So for legal (and morbid) reasons, if they plan to marry, I always vote do it right away where a child is concerned.
OMG, I am so sorry. How awful. If you don't mind, I would like to tell them about this. You just never know what life might bring.
post #28 of 71
I know you said they are engaged, but is it a possibility that things may have been going south w/ the relationship before she got pregnant and she wasn't really sure that he was "the one"? Dh and I weren't engaged when I got pregnant and in fact, I was pretty sure I was going to break things off w/ him when I got pregnant (oops) so I wasn't in any hurry to marry him and we'd be better off now if we hadn't gotten married. Could this be the case w/ her?
post #29 of 71
as far as i know, they do not take bio dad's income into consideration until there is a birth certificate and he is named as father on it. someone correct me if i'm wrong.

since she has no job and is uninsured, she WOULD get medicaid even if she lives with him

i would seriously suggest the medicaid route if the mother is comfortable with it, i know it's contraversial for me to say so

but it's excellent care when it comes to pregnancy and birth, even covers midwives in some states, and i believe all citizens (the mom and fetus) of our great country deserve the help that they qualify for in their current situation

i also believe that pregnancy is a woman's domain and it shouldn't speed up or necessitate her marital status, unless she wants it to be so
post #30 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by tayndrewsmama View Post
OMG, I am so sorry. How awful. If you don't mind, I would like to tell them about this. You just never know what life might bring.
By all means, tell them. I certainly never imagined that would happen to us, but since then I've met quite a few women who lost their partners during a pregnancy. It's horrible to even consider, but it's not a position I'd wish on anyone, especially without the benefits of marriage. Honestly, then it seemed like a small thing. I didn't care about the money because I had such bigger things to care about. But in hindsight, it would have made such a difference.
post #31 of 71
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by abomgardner417 View Post
I know you said they are engaged, but is it a possibility that things may have been going south w/ the relationship before she got pregnant and she wasn't really sure that he was "the one"? Dh and I weren't engaged when I got pregnant and in fact, I was pretty sure I was going to break things off w/ him when I got pregnant (oops) so I wasn't in any hurry to marry him and we'd be better off now if we hadn't gotten married. Could this be the case w/ her?
Eh, anything's possible. As far as I know, she still has an apartment in her name in NYC. She could just go back there if there were problems. You make a good point though. I won't go into details, but this has been an interesting relationship from the beginning. Very interesting and eyebrow raising to say the least. Until now, it was pretty much just entertainment to me. Now that there's a baby involved it's concerning to me. I am trying to keep myself distanced from it because I am worried I may get too upset about things I cannot control. It's hard when people keep dragging you in though. KWIM?

I think I may pose that question to dh though. I am curious to see what he thinks. I know one thing, I am not going to ask them that. Dh can do that, it's his best friend.
post #32 of 71
Hello courthouse!
post #33 of 71
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by iamama View Post
Hello courthouse!
I think I actually heard you say this in my head.
post #34 of 71
If you're asking what *I* would do? I would terminate the pregnancy. I decided before I ever even had sex that I would never have a baby unintentionally. I'd terminate, get married, get pregnant again. But that's ME. I expect I'm in a fairly small minority there.

On the other hand, you could (if it's not totally against your principles) toss out that concept, since they seem to be fishing for something you haven't suggested yet.
post #35 of 71
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ironica View Post
If you're asking what *I* would do? I would terminate the pregnancy. I decided before I ever even had sex that I would never have a baby unintentionally. I'd terminate, get married, get pregnant again. But that's ME. I expect I'm in a fairly small minority there.

On the other hand, you could (if it's not totally against your principles) toss out that concept, since they seem to be fishing for something you haven't suggested yet.
You certainly bring up an interesting aspect in this. She has already aborted his child once before because he was married at the time (I found that out after the fact). I wonder if he just assumed they would keep this child and she didn't say anything otherwise. I don't know, but I sure hope that's not the situation here. I truly respect her right to that if she feels it's necessary again, but it just makes me queasy to think about it that way. I appreciate the viewpoint though.
post #36 of 71
To me, the situation described is a scary one to be in. If she's unemployed, with no money or savings of her own, and no insurance ... she's basically completely dependent on this man. Now, say they get married, and things don't work out - then what? What will she do if she wants to get out of the marriage but has no money of her own?

Personally, if that were me, and it was an accidental pregnancy, I, too, would terminate, then get a job, then put 6 months of living expenses in savings, in an account under my name only, then get married, THEN plan for a baby.

I just always hear stories of women wanting to leave their marriages, but not being able to do so because of finances ... which is why I say it's a scary situation to be in.

However, since she's not me, and wouldn't do the above probably, then I see no problem with the court house wedding ... assuming the marriage is for other reasons beyond the baby, i.e. love, compatibility, etc.
post #37 of 71
the only thing i have to say is, if the 'show' wedding is a big deal to you, i would wait.

DH and i did the court house thing with the plan to do a BIG wedding at a later date. needless to say, the Big wedding never happened. it makes me sad that we never did the big wedding.

other then that, i say go for it. you are planning it anyway. so why wait?
post #38 of 71
Thread Starter 
I feel like such an ass. I never considered that there might be unspoken feelings that she is having. Maybe she is having reservations, maybe she isn't.

Perhaps it would be worth mentioning that he is in his late 30's and she is just 21. I think it's fair to say that they may well be emotionally in different places in their lives. The more I think about this, the more I wish I knew nothing about it.
post #39 of 71
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovebug View Post

DH and i did the court house thing with the plan to do a BIG wedding at a later date. needless to say, the Big wedding never happened. it makes me sad that we never did the big wedding.
Dh and I did the same thing. Now, ten years and two kids later, it certainly doesn't look like it will ever happen, but I am not big on that kind of display anyway. Maybe that's why I never really pushed the issue.
post #40 of 71
Quote:
Originally Posted by tayndrewsmama View Post
I should clarify that this scenario is not mine, but that of a couple that is asking what I think.

I said get married now, assuming she will be covered. I am nearly certain that she will be based on what I know about our insurance (my dh works for the same company her fiancee does).

To me it seems like a real duh situation. I nearly peed myself when dh told me what happened. She comes from a fairly well to do family and last week she and her mom apparently got all dolled up...hair, makeup, nails....dressed in Prada and Gucci : and proceed to go to a FREE CLINIC to try and get prenatal care. : : What in the world would posses anyone in their right mind to do something like that? Seriously? For starters, she had NO business going to a free clinic for this IMO. None whatsoever. Second, even though she has no income, why would anyone dress like they are filthy rich to go to a free clinic?

Yes, dh said she and her mother were promptly showed the door. So I just cannot understand for the life of me why she won't just get married now and have the wedding afterwards. I just. don't. get it!
Why was she turned down at the free clinic? Surely not just because of how she was dressed?
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