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Originally Posted by PassionateWriter
me too. i am a bit disappointed in myself in how i dealt w/ some aspects of my labor, and a bit disappointed in some of my support ppl but nothing like what some of you are describing and my issues do seem to pale in comparison. i hesitated to write and publish my birth story b/c on the one hand, tehre are many great things about the birth...but there are also things that did not go so great (IMHO). I struggle b/w being completely honest and scaring someone off or getting criticism and not being competely honest and being part of the the idea that birht is not always unicorns and butterflies (or however that goes). For me, it was a great experience w/ a few disappointments that i have tried to work out in my head. I have yet to do so however.
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I so could have written this myself. This is exactly how I feel about my labor/birth! Maybe writing my birth story here will help me work it out a little bit since doing so in my head...it hasn't been working so well.
At the very end of my pregnancy (what turned out to be the last week), I had high blood pressure. The nonstress test and biophysical profile all showed that the baby was doing fine...for which I was very grateful since pitocin/labor induction was just about the last thing I wanted. I was actually having contractions - about 10=15 min apart for most of the day that we had the tests. But they went away just after we left the hospital. Contractions came back that night, pretty intense but far apart- half an hour or more. Then all the next day the contractions continued- in the morning they started at about 10 minutes apart and then by the afternoon they were at 7 minutes. My husband took the dogs to the kennel and I spent a lot of time on the birthing ball and breathing through teh contractions-- they were never really at the point where I could do anything during the contractions, but I watched videos, wrote, browsed the internets, did some meditating in between the contractions.
I was in contact with our doula throughout the day and when the contractions were at about 5-7 minutes at about 7pm I got in the shower and had my husband call our doula to come over. The contractions were lasting about a minute or so and were pretty intense. I stayed in the shower for what seemed like a long time.
I has having lots of back pain, both low in my back but also in my midback on the right side. The shower seemed to help with that. And when I decided to get out, my doula suggested TENS unit that she had. We put that on, figured out how to use it- she had just gotten the unit. We did lots of using the birth ball, walking, going up and down the stairs, sitting on the edge of the bed, doing hip circles/figure eights. I did some inversions to try to help with the lower back labor/posterior position of the baby. Contractions were at 4-7 minutes and still intense. We called the midwives practice that deliver at the hospital we were going to and they said many moms come in when they are at 5 mintues but it was up to us and they'd look forward to seeing us. Since I wanted to labor at home as much as possible we decided to stay home instead of going in.
Contractions stayed at 4-7 minutes all night long, lasting a couple of minutes. Sometimes they went to 10 minutes apart, which I found really annoying. I REALLY REALLY wanted them to speed up, move forward. Often during this time I was able to chat quietly with my husband and doula in between contractions.
Throughout active labor I used my Hypnobirthing breathing techniques and used a number of different visualizations- my favorite being that I imagined a deep, black pool- I would breathe in peace and calm, drawing them up from the pool and I would breathe pain and fear out back into the pool. The pool was deep and dark enough to contain both peace & pain.
At some point in the middle of the night I threw up and started shaking uncontrollably. The midback pain was really horrible at this point. I got in the tub and my husband suggested that I try doing some vocalizing through the contractions. I actually thought I might be in transition since these all seemed like the signs of transition that I had read about. The uncontrollable shaking would come and go every couple of hours in the wee hours of the morning. I really hated that- it frightened me and I wanted it to stop.
Early in the morning we decided I should try to rest- I laid down and tried to sleep in between contractions. I did that for maybe an hour? After I woke up the contractions were still coming 4-7 minutes apart. We got out our breast pump and I pumped in between contractions to try and get the contractions to increase in frequency and intensity. The contractions didn't really speed up all that much though- maybe they went to 4-5 minutes. I ate some scrambled eggs and toast that morning (had been drinking water and emergen-C and eating some fruit leather through the night). But I was getting exhausted and a little dispirited.
At around noon we talked about whether we should go into the hospital. Our doula went through what might happen when we got there. I decided I wanted to go in and get checked-- see if I was dialating, if all the work I was doing was getting us somewhere. If I hadn't progressed very far, we would come back home to labor more.
We got all our stuff together, loaded up the car, and drove to the hospital. Thank goodness the hospital is only about 5 minutes away-- I didn't much like going around corners - the sway felt really weird. I was on my hands and knees in the front seat. We went up to maternity and talked to the midwife. She did a vaginal check - I was 4-5 cm (I had been 1 cm earlier that week) and 100% effaced. I was happy to learn that-- all that work: not for nought! But the midwife thought I was really tired and gave me the option of having "therapuetic rest" - vistirol (?) and morphine drip. Or I could have pitocin to speed things up or I could go home. After a lot of discussion - much of which happened with the midwife out of the room so we could debate it without her - I decided to go with the rest thing. I was a little scared but so tired. I slept for about 4 hours. I still woke up with each contraction and at this point my midback and lower back were killing me during the contractions- I made my husband and doula push my pelvic bones together to get through the contractions and kept up my moaning vocalizations. My poor husband and doula didn't get any sleep while I did!!! Also, we decided to break my waters- which were bulging a lot against my cervix. Can't remember if that happened before or after the sleep. But I then lost my mucuos plug shortly thereafter.
After I woke up was my favorite part of labor. The pain was not as intense. The contractions were at about 4 minutes apart. We walked up and down the halls of the maternity ward, I drank lots of water and had some chicken broth. I squatted through contractions or did hip circles, on and off the birthing ball. I found that I didn't need the TENS unit or to vocalize through the contractions. There was a new midwife on duty at this point and she let us do our thing. I was really very comfortable, doing my breathing. The squats were great- the contractions seemed to last longer when I squatted through them, which I was happy about.
Several hours went by. And... the contractions did not come any more frequently. And this freaked me out. I felt like maybe I was never going to have the baby!!! We thought maybe we would try using a breast pump. The midwife didn't much like that idea-- she said we'd have to go on the fetal monitor (we'd just done the test strip at the beginning and intermittant checks with the handheld doppler thing-- and the baby was doing GREAT) to make sure I didn't have a sustained contraction (or something like that?). She said pitocin might be a good idea. I did not want pitocin at all. So she thought it ight be a good idea to see where I was in terms of dilation. I consented and we found out I was 9-10 cm with just a lip of the cervix remaining. I told the midwife and nurse that I wanted to walk around some more (turns out the nurses were all like, "um, she's COMPLETE! What is she doing still walking around?!"). When my waters were released we'd found that there was a little meconium in the amniotic fluid so we couldn't have the water birth, accd. to hospital policy. That was disappointing to me but I could still use the birthing tub to labor. So I decided to get in the tub at this point. They moved all our stuff to the room with the tub- the bed, the rocking chair, etc. because the midwife didn't think I could walk back to give birth. But then I did NOT like being in the tub at all-- the midback pain came back --- it had been gone for the last several hours. So I felt like I needed to start pushing and got out of the tub. But I wasn't happy with the bed and stuff being in that room. So I told everyone I wanted it all moved back to my original room! And they did it! And I walked back to my room (not very far, really) after all. I tried pushing in a number of different positons, using a squatting bar that attached to the bed, on the toilet, on a birthing stool, on all fours. The midwife offered to check to see where the baby was and then told me to push against where her fingers were. She did this while I was on my back. I really liked knowing where the baby was and focusing on her fingers. And so we did this for awhile (which I regret). Tried other positions and I requested we go back to me on my back and focusing on midwife's fingers. The baby was moving but kept slipping back behind the *&)$r pubic bone!
A few hours of pushing went by. I was sooooo tired. At this point I wasn't sure when my contractions were coming, I would just decide to push every once in awhile. The midwife expressed concern that my contractions were not helping me-- they weren't coming any more frequently (still 4 minutes or so!) and not for any longer in duration! She again suggested pitocin, starting with the smallest dose. I acquiesed ... I was so tired and just wanted the baby out! But the pitocin didn't actually seem to help, even at higher doses. So when the midwife said we could call the OB on call and discuss vacuum / forceps extraction I said okay. And then I wanted him there NOW! I actually asked the nurse how far away he lived! and how long it would take him to get there. I was relieved to find out that the on-call doctor was a doctor known for being really great and not too insane about interventions. That is, he wouldn't require the extraction to work really fast or else (c - section) or who would automatically require that the baby be taken away from me (still in room as per this hospitals' policy but still away from me).
Once the doctor got there it went pretty fast with the vacuum extraction- after I got shots for numbness, the baby came out in two pushes- one for head and one for her shoulders. They had me lean down and pull her out the last couple of inches. And the baby went to my chest right away. My husband cut the cord after it stopped pulsated. I did tear-- all because of the baby, apparently not due to the vacuum. So that got stitched by the midwife. Tried breastfeeding but she wasn't much interested. We spent a couple of hours here, she pooped all over me! Very cute (at least I thought so!). We cuddled for a couple of hours. Then they weighed Thalia (9 lbs 7 oz) and she and I took a bath- she loooooooved that!
I am very happy with the post-birth and the part of labor after the therapeutic rest. But overall the labor was really long and the first 24 hours was pretty painful. And the pushing was hell-- was not at all prepared for that, somehow. I'm quite upset about the vacuum extraction- as being traumatic for Thalia. She has had craniosacral therapy - which I think has helped a lot! And I'm not happy about the Pitocin, especially since I think it did nothing good. I never thought I would have a vacuum extraction.
Okay, that was really long!!!!!!!! It was good for me to write it out, though.
I was screaming and saying I can't do this and sobbing and it really ruined the whole gentle atmosphere I'd imagined a 'normal' homebirth to be. I felt beaten and I was literally wishing out loud for death, to be outside of myself, to escape the pain 
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. When dh or midwife#2 so much as touched my back I was doubled over in pain, my main midwife though had just the right touch and stroked my back in a 'T' formation that was really soothing.
and honestly I do not feel disappointed as much as I feel confused. Why was my experience so different to other peoples?
