"The Labor/Birth wasn't what I expected"...Chat & Support Thread - Page 2

[AmamaAgain]

Originally Posted by trimestersdoula

Girls, I am so sorry you are all going through these things. It is soooooo difficult. I wish no one EVER had to go through the things that we are all dealing with.

I must say I was one of these people that always said "not me" when someone mentioned induction or epidural or c-section. I was so firmly believing that those things would not happen to me.

I went in on Tuesday to see my doctor and she diagnosed me with PIH....based on two readings. Then she wasn't sure if the baby was head down or not so she sent me for an ultrasound. Something that I managed to avoid the whole 39 weeks. I was very proud that I didn't have an ultrasound but then I got rooked into one. Then I was admitted to hospital and prostaglandin gel was inserted. Contractions started about 3 mins apart soon after but they were easy to deal with. This went on all night. Next day I was given more gel. Ctx. stayed at 3 mins apart but were a minute long and super intense. This went on all day until I am not sure what time. I was given a third dose of gel and contractions were either coming in 3's without a break in between or triple peaking. I can't even remember how long this went on for. Then all of a sudden it was constant, non-stop contractions. Again, not sure for how long because I just wasn't dealing. I was basically out of it. I thought I must be in transition, the nurses and my doula thought I was in transition. I thought I would be pushing my baby out soon. Then they made me lay on my back in bed being monitored for 15 minutes during non stop contractions and that is when it really got bad. I was screaming in pain asking, begging to be let up so that I wasn't on my back and they wouldn't let me get up. I was literally yelling at the top of my lungs and trying to get out of bed. While I was laying there one of the nurses came in and checked me. It was all I could do to bare the check. Again, I was screaming at her to stop because it was hurting so bad. I remember flailing my legs to get her away from me. When she checked me she looked at me and said "1.5 cms". I literally lost it I thought I was so close but I was sooooo far away. I gave up. I just gave up. My contractions slowed immediately after that to 5-10 mins but I still couldn't bare the contractions. I felt so defeated. I gave in and took morphine to get some sleep because I hadn't gotten ANY since Tuesday night which was only about an hour. It was now Thursday morning. The doctor came in and told me that I had to have a c-section and that it was scheduled for 2 PM Thursday afternoon. I sat with DH and my doula and we decided that I would try pitocin. The nurse came in with the IV's and told me I had two hours to have the baby or I would be having the c-section. I just couldn't bare anymore pain so I declined the pit. and waited for my c-section.

Everything I fought so hard not to have happen, happened. I just can't even try to question myself about why I let her induce me in the first place because I just don't know. I feel like I failed myself, my husband and my baby. I have been non-stop tears since Wednesday. I want my body back. I can't barely move, I can't take care of my baby the way I want, I can't do anything. I just so need to get back to myself so that I can work through all this.

I know how you feel. I had a c-section 7 years ago and vowed never to have another. I hired a doula, thought I was prepared. I ended up at the hospital for a nonstress test and SURE I'd just go right back home. After an unexpected c-section my body felt like it was no longer mine. I don't know when you gave birth, but it was only this week (I'm 3wks pp today) that I started feeling really better. My stomach doesn't hurt to walk, I can finally take care of my baby as I want to, etc). Give yourself time and forgive yourself for what was not even your fault. The way I see it is that we are mothers and warriors because we do whatever we need for our children. You brought your baby here. It doesn't matter how they got here. They're here.

[trimestersdoula]

Originally Posted by AmamaAgain

I know how you feel. I had a c-section 7 years ago and vowed never to have another. I hired a doula, thought I was prepared. I ended up at the hospital for a nonstress test and SURE I'd just go right back home. After an unexpected c-section my body felt like it was no longer mine. I don't know when you gave birth, but it was only this week (I'm 3wks pp today) that I started feeling really better. My stomach doesn't hurt to walk, I can finally take care of my baby as I want to, etc). Give yourself time and forgive yourself for what was not even your fault. The way I see it is that we are mothers and warriors because we do whatever we need for our children. You brought your baby here. It doesn't matter how they got here. They're here.

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. s I am feeling the same way about my body not being mine. My stomach hurts so bad and my insicion pulls every time I stand up. I have been sleeping in the reclining chair because I can't even bare to lay down....not even on my side. I don't know if I am the only one that has/had/is having trouble sleeping after this but it really sucks. I can't pick my baby out of her cradle, change her diaper most of the time, I just really want to be back to my normal self. I can't deal with the pain of the c-section or the pain of not being able to care for my baby for much longer. I know it hasn't been long.....only 5 days but it is just so hard.

[LemonPie]

Originally Posted by trimestersdoula

My stomach hurts so bad and my insicion pulls every time I stand up. I have been sleeping in the reclining chair because I can't even bare to lay down....not even on my side. I don't know if I am the only one that has/had/is having trouble sleeping after this but it really sucks. I can't pick my baby out of her cradle, change her diaper most of the time, I just really want to be back to my normal self. I can't deal with the pain of the c-section or the pain of not being able to care for my baby for much longer. I know it hasn't been long.....only 5 days but it is just so hard.

I slept in the recliner the first night or two home as well. . . in fact, the hospital bed itself was a huge factor in my decision to stay for a third day.

Do you have anything like a Spanx or a Bella Band? The hospital had some cotton binding stuff that they gave me (apparently some patients ask for something to bind their bellies after delivery) to keep my JP drain in place without tape, and the firm support over my incision was SO nice--it really helped with movement-related pain.

Hang in there! It gets better. The one-week mark seemed like a big turning point for me physically. I'm 4 wks pp tomorrow and I can't believe how much better I've been feeling the last several days. The pain has reduced a lot to more of an 'annoying' type pain and I'm not even using much ibuprofen or tylenol anymore.

[AmamaAgain]

Trimesterdoula- Don't feel bad about sleeping in a recliner. I'm still sleeping on my couch out of convenience but it took over two weeks before I could even get myself into my bed with the baby. You're still so early out of surgery. One day in the next 2 weeks, it's gonna just hit you that you feel better! Just stay ahead of your medicine. Don't be afraid to take what you need to. You'll be no good to your baby in pain.

The binder from the hospital only helped me when I was there. After that, it started hurting having anything around my incision. To this day, I feel better but only uncomfortable when I try to put something like a bella band around my incision. I know it's different for everyone.

It's normal to feel the pulling and like everything inside your stomach is just gonna rip open. It will go away.

Be patient with yourself. I think we all need to be patient with ourselves.

[daniturtle]

Originally Posted by AmamaAgain

Be patient with yourself. I think we all need to be patient with ourselves.

This is so true. Patient and gentle with our bodies and emotional selves. to all of us.

I know I need(ed?) to grieve the birth that I didn't have. Does that make sense? As a way, a path, towards letting it go and accepting the birthing that I did have. Of making peace with what happened and didn't happen.

Having gotten out the birth story, I can now more clearly see the positives...

1. I was strong. 48+ hours of labor-- nothing to sneeze at!

2. My support people, with possible exception of the midwife, were fantastic! Our doula was amazing, she had so many ideas and suggestions and was unfailingly encouraging of me. THANK GOD FOR DOULAS!!! My husband was great, I can't find words without crying. The L&D nurses (we went through three shifts!) were also great. Especially the one there for the last several hours! After the birth we even had a conversation about co-sleeping!

3. Thalia did so well through it all. Her fantastic heart rate was apparently all the talk amongst the nurses. She was never for a moment in any distress. And she was/is healthy. And gorgeous, of course. And sweet and lovely and a little wonder....

4. Thalia was able to come straight to my chest for skin-to-skin bonding time immediately. She was not out of my touch for the first several hours of her life. We took a bath together a couple of hours after birth- this was beautiful! She loved that bath.

5. The OB was quick, efficient, and kind. My doula whispered to me that she was happy he was the one on call. And all the nurses told me afterwards that he is the best, in terms of supporting things being as natural as possible under the circumstances. My husband was actually quite worried that I would end up with a c-section once I had agreed to vacuum, but apparently that is less like with that OB.

6. Overall, the hospital was a good place to deliver. They encouraged me to walk around, do whatever I needed to do, eat & drink, use the birthing stool, various positions, etc. They were respectful of our choices. I know this is not necessarily the case at all hospitals, so I'm glad we chose this hospital (it wasn't an accident though, but a very deliberate choice on our part!).

[LemonPie]

Originally Posted by daniturtle

The L&D nurses (we went through three shifts!) were also great. Especially the one there for the last several hours! After the birth we even had a conversation about co-sleeping!

Hooray for good support people, huh? Most of my nurses were really great too. One of them actually sold me my very first sling (she owns a local home business and sells slings, cloth diapers, organic baby clothes, etc.)

[neveryoumindthere]

How are you all holding up?

[trimestersdoula]

I am still trying to work through things. I am only 9 days post-section and I am feeling much better physically.

Baby and I have had a tough couple nights now. She is feeding off and on for 3 hours at a time and then still won't go to sleep. Not sure why but I need my sleep. Last night I never even got to shut my eyes until 6 AM. I am worn out. Tonight after having company and feeding her 3 times for 30 minutes a peice I had to supplement her with 2 oz of formula. I feel like a horrible mother right now for doing that but I need to keep my sanity.

How are you holding up, neveryoumindthere?

[OrchideZ]

I relate so much to little bits in everyone's stories here.
I want to send a big hug to you all.

Here is my birth story copied from an email to a friend with a new baby too...

I have been feeling like utter crap until like today honestly. I even went back in to the ER the day after I got released b/c I had shivery shakes and a low fever with leaking stitches and needed an IV of fluids. Yuck.
I don't see at all how someone could be a single mom and do this- deal with a newborn and a c section- on their own. wow...its just so draining.
Jasper is really good natured though- we are lucky so far. Only one nightmare night with him so far- we think he had colic or something digestive going on but he screamed the whole night. yikes. I am thankful that only happened the once. He sleeps pretty well and only cries for a change or to eat. We are doing cloth diapers and using a delivery service which is rad. They clean em so we do nothing but bag em up.
I can't wait to meet Lilith and for y'all to meet Jasper too. He is a sweetie- looks like Matt's mini me, has strawberry blondish hair and his eyes are murky but look blue.
I am kinda pissed in one sense of my birth experience b/c my water was broken from the get-go so the midwife wanted to check me minimally to keep chance of infection low which I understand. But after I had been laboring for 16 hours or so and had some pitocin to help things along and was in a lot of pain, I asked her to check me. She did and I was only dilated 1 cm. She had a talk with me and said that realistically she didn't see me being able to handle the pain of transition since I wasn't even dilating yet and was in so much pain. I understood this. She worried that b/c of hospital policy at 24 hours with ruptured waters, if baby isn't born yet, he would be subjected to blood draws and then if he had an infection (1 in 4 chance) he would have to go to NICU and then receive antibiotics and stay longer. She worried my time was running out and I couldn't handle the pain. So I agreed to get an epidural.
The epidural took an hour for them to get in- no joke- Matt said it was sick to watch. They said my back was tight and the spaces too small to fit the needle. Finally they got it going. I didn't even care at that point b/c I was contracting so much.
My issue with the midwife was that I think from the moment we decided to get an epidural and she saw how little I was dilated, she didn't trust my take on how my body was doing.
I think she thought I was wimpy.
After having the epidural in for a few hours, I felt the baby was in my butt- haha- I could tell he was right down there. I felt different. I had to ask and ask the nurse to go and get the midwife several times before she would come. She reluctantly checked me and I was at 7 cm. so then I thought they would take me seriously now for sure.
I progressively felt the epidural was working less and less and felt every bit of what was going on more and more.
Around 5 am, I asked the nurse repeatedly to get the midwife but was tols she didn't want to check me yet two or three times plus she was delivering other babies.
I was crying. I could feel the baby was down there and I said to the nurse I needed to push.
She told me to let let know when the pressure was constant and not just during contractions. I said that it had been like that for a long time.
I begged her to go and get the midwife.
The midwife took her sweet time (she was delivering other babies but gah, they could have sent someone) and when they checked me, duh, I was fully dilated, at +2 station and baby was in birth canal. I seriously think he had been there for at least an hour.
They set me up to begin pushing which I did. Halfway in to first push, they lost his heart beat.
They gave me oxygen- all of this is hazy to me but yet so clear- and they were happy to get the heart back at some point but it was way low- around 60. Then they lost it again. For 7 minutes.
The one person who was a life saver was this nurse. This was around the shift change time so even though they called for help, no one was coming. It was so scary.
She ran out into the hall and was yelling for people.
I saw the button that said infant code blue was lit up.
I felt so numb like I was in a bad lifetime movie or one of those creepy discovery health channel shows.
All of a sudden, there were a bunch of doctors and nurses and interns in the labor room and they discussed the possibilities.
The doctor/surgeon was so quick on his feet- thank you!- and he told me that baby was too long w/o a heartbeat for them to risk vacuuming him out and he felt a c-section was needed.
I was very quiet and compliant saying yes to everything hoping that being quick would help save the baby.
In about 2 seconds, I was wheeled into a bright OR and prepped- thankful I had had an epidural so that I wouldn't be knocked out cold.
I remember throwing up on myself, my cool midwife I preferred had just shown up on her shift and she was with me holding my hand. I asked where was Matt and they said he was coming. Later, he told me he went in the bathroom and was crying but then he pulled it together for the OR and for me.
I could tell/feel how nervous everyone was but when they cut me open, the baby cried right away. I started crying.
They said his Apgars at 1 min. were an 8 and then at 5 min. they were a 9.
The fact that he cried right away was such a great sign.
Matt got to cut the cord and they delayed the goop in his eyes at my request so we could bond.
They brought him over to me after they suctioned him and he recognised me and was so alert.
In recovery, he nursed right away.
Even writing this out now (which I haven't before in detail b/c it still makes me get teary) I still can't believe he is ok.
The surgeon came to my room the next day to talk to me and he told me that Jasper's core gas levels at birth were way below normal which is a bad sign (meaning that he made the right decision to do the c section rather than chance it and wait on a vacuuming). He felt he would not have made it had he waited even a minute more.
I have decided to not dwell on it but I personally wonder if the reason his heart was so stressed in the end was due to me having back to back pitocin induced contractions and him being in the birth canal for too long waiting to be able to come out. I am not pissed about the c section just the thought that potentially we could have lost him.
I would do all the things I did again, make the same choices b/c it got me this great baby.

I wrote and told my hypnobirthing teacher my birthstory too:

This past week was one of recovery as we had an 11th hour emergency c-section on Saturday morning after I had finally reached full dilation, was at +2 station and Jasper was in the birth canal and I was pushing. It was a weird thing- they couldn't get a heartbeat on him and kept trying to get it back. They put me on oxygen and it didn't help. Then it came back after 7 minutes at a very low and scary 60 bpm so they called in a team of docs and nurses and the consensus was that he needed to come out asap.
They weighed the option of trying to vacuum him out but the surgeon decided he didn't want to take the risk since it had been so long already.
It happened so fast at the end but my head was clear and I was awake not out cold- thanks to having received an epidural in the middle of the night to help with the surges from the pit (we chose to agree to the pit and then the epidural as the 24 hour mark of having ruptured membranes was coming up and if that mark was surpassed, baby would be subjected to blood draws for infection and if any infection, then a trip to NICU for antibiotics. I decided I would rather to have the needles than have him get stuck with needles.)
I was ok with that decision and I did stick with my aromatherapy, the hypno cds/texts, the music (Ocean Bowls, Golden Bowls, Nada Himalaya) and the surge breathing and in-between surge breathing throughout. I had given them our birth plan/preferences at the beginning and even though we ended up in the OR with a speical circumstance, they did respect our wishes and tried to comply with what we wanted.
Ann and Susan (midwifes) felt terrible about the way things turned at the end suddenly- they were both with me in the OR holding my hands as was Matt.
I was grateful- strange as it sounds- to have received the epidural in my case b/c otherwise with this heart thing I would have been put out cold but instead I was able to try to breathe through it all and to remind them to delay his eye goop, get Matt to be the first to touch him/cut his cord/be with him. He cried right away and his Apgars were a 9.
We were so very relieved. They brought him to me and I asked them to give us 10 inches space so he could see me and I could tell he was very alert and focused right in on me, recognised my voice.
In recovery, I did skin-on-skin with him and he breast fed right away like a champ. I never intended on a c-section but I feel it saved his life and none of our bonding post-birth was lessened by this, thank goodness.
The surgeon came by my room the next day to say that Jasper's core gas levels at birth confirmed for him that the c-section likely saved his life. They were very low and this indicated that had he waited even another minute to do vacuuming, it would have been too late.
I feel at peace with it all b/c our baby is such a darling. I can't imagine if he hadn't made it.
I just wanted to thank you for the support and the help you gave us.
It meant a lot and having the hypnobirthing as a foundation did help especially when things took an unexpected turn. I was able to remain calm, unpanicked and still make the most of our birth experience.
It was beautiful.
Now, I await the arrival tomorrow of our placenta capsules so I can begin taking them.
I will keep you posted on how they work out for me.

and just got this email back from her which made me cry a little:

Wow, that was quite a birth journey. It sounds like you and your team were amazing. I am so happy you made all the right decisions and you have a beautiful healthy baby. I love the name Jasper.

You had a Hypno Air Lift Birth. That's what I call the way the babies who are born that need to come into the world that way.

I am so glad that you remained calm and utilized many of the tools from class.

I can't wait to hear how you feel after taking the placenta capsules, please let me know.

Much love to the 3 of you,
Your Proud HypnoBirthing Teacher,
Alisha

PS Do I have your permission to share you birth story?