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asked to cover at an up-coming wedding, wwyd? - Page 6

post #101 of 157
Quote:
Originally Posted by I-AM-Mother View Post
let me add that this guy is all around us. we live in a society where mothers have had to stage nursing "sit-ins" in order to prove a point. Are you kidding me? Just because many of us spend most of our time around women who have no problem with nursing, we can not afford to forget that we are the minority. this guy is not the problem. it is our society, our culture.

i am all for us mothers empowering ourselves and taking a stand for not only what we believe in, but what is best for our children(however the OP chooses to do so is alright with me) however we have to take the fight to the top in order to stop people from treating nursing mothers as second class citizens.
I disagree. "Society" and "culture" aren't abstract things that exist in a vacuum. "This guy" and others like him are what make society and contribute to our culture. Societal change comes about from demanding change not just from the top but from all the "this guys" out there as well.

I think it's bizarre and disrespectful that this man insists on a blanket being used and won't let the issue drop. He is the one making it a sticking point, not the OP or her DH. I also don't buy into the "it's his/her day!" argument. He is the host, and therefore he is the one who should make his guests comfortable and welcome.
post #102 of 157
I think it is important to remember that as sad as it is, the people who are our friends before we have kids, can't always be our friends after we have kids. I lost lots of people from my life who couldn't handle how much my life and priorities changed. (One friend dumped me because by the second trimester I wasn't much fun at dance clubs) I lost others when they had kids and our parenting styles were irreconcilably different. (every conversation had "are you still breastfeeding?" or "maybe it's time for him to go to school?") At the same time, I have lots and lots of people in my life (some of the most important people) who I never would have met had I never become a mother. Our worlds would never have overlapped.

If Dh's friend can not accept Dh and his child, it may be time to move on. Maybe the friend is someone who can't come into the next part of Dh's life. It happens and isn't always a bad thing.
post #103 of 157
Quote:
Originally Posted by odenata View Post
I disagree. "Society" and "culture" aren't abstract things that exist in a vacuum. "This guy" and others like him are what make society and contribute to our culture. Societal change comes about from demanding change not just from the top but from all the "this guys" out there as well.
I agree. I am coming from the angle that the majority of people have to be thoroughly educated about important things such as nursing, co-sleeping and such. They simply have NO CLUE -sad but true. I hope the OP is able to shed some light on her friend & his future wife. I'd like her to come back here with a positive story, however, most of us know the chances of that happening is slim to none. It's possible though.
post #104 of 157
Quote:
Originally Posted by odenata View Post
I also don't buy into the "it's his/her day!" argument. He is the host, and therefore he is the one who should make his guests comfortable and welcome.

So, respectfully, how is he going to make all of his guests feel comfortable and welcome? I don't think this is possible. What you are advocating is making sure mothers and nursing babies are made comfortable and everyone else just has to deal. I'd imagine he feels as if he's really in a "between a rock and a hard place" situation.

My own father was uncomfortable seeing me nurse my first son. Keep in mind this is a man who was brought up in a strict, conservative, Christian, household and still has many (what I consider wierd) hangups. He thought that breastfeeding was the right thing to and commended me on the descision to do so, but he didn't want to see his little girl's breasts. I love and respect my father, so when he was around I used a nursing cover or simply warned him I was about to nurse an let him decide what he was going to do. Gradually, he got over it. Now he doesn't bat an eye when my 2.5 year old sidles up to the boobs for an afternoon swig. Sometimes a gentler approach works.

Being ignorant of breastfeeding issues doesn't make someone intentionally disrespectful or even a bad friend. It makes them ignorant. There's a lot of that in this world.
post #105 of 157
Quote:
Originally Posted by pumpkinhead View Post
So, respectfully, how is he going to make all of his guests feel comfortable and welcome? I don't think this is possible. What you are advocating is making sure mothers and nursing babies are made comfortable and everyone else just has to deal. I'd imagine he feels as if he's really in a "between a rock and a hard place" situation.
My point is that it is his job as host to make people feel comfortable, not their job as guests to accommodate his big day. And since the wedding hasn't even happened yet, it would be hard to say the OP nursing is making another guest uncomfortable at this point. Instead, the groom is going out of his way to make this an issue.

I also find it hard to believe in his "ignorance" about breastfeeding, when it's obvious the OP's DH, his friend, has tried to talk with him about this several times, and he still insists on covering with a blanket as the only solution.
post #106 of 157
Right, so presumably he's attempted to make others (and/or himself) comfortable by requesting the cover. It would seem that he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

Most people (and note I say most and not all) mainstream people who have not breastfed or been the spouse/SO/relative/close friend of someone who has tend to be ignorant of the intricacies of a breastfeeding relationship.
post #107 of 157
I'm sorry. I think you can make compromises for friends and still be a lactivist.
post #108 of 157
Quote:
Originally Posted by BugMacGee View Post
I'm sorry. I think you can make compromises for friends and still be a lactivist.
I have to agree with the compromise option here. While nursing is obviously a priority all the time, seems like a 10 year bf should be pretty high as well. Really a wedding is a very special day, for him. Maybe find a way to compromise for the wedding, and let him have his day, even if it seems crazy. you can educate him later....
post #109 of 157
Quote:
Originally Posted by I-AM-Mother View Post
hey, we're on the same side when it comes to nursing...believe me. I am a woman/mother. it's not me who need to be convinced of how natural nursing is. LOL
: i was agreeing with you!
post #110 of 157
Quote:
Originally Posted by BugMacGee View Post
I'm sorry. I think you can make compromises for friends and still be a lactivist.
:
post #111 of 157
I still think you can make compromises but also set your own personal boundaries...and if what others are imposing on you comes from a lack of understanding the process...it's ok to draw the line.

If someone made the arbitrary decision that nursing while standing on my head was the only way to do it discreetly I'd probably say no too. The thing is, this guy wants to SEE a blanket! He's making an issue out of it when he's been informed that she will be discreet without having to use one.

I think he's fixated, and while I think the day is about them...we all know bridal couples that take their demands of others too far. And it's never a surprise when people don't comply with ridiculous demands.
post #112 of 157
Quote:
Originally Posted by Swan3 View Post
I still think you can make compromises but also set your own personal boundaries...and if what others are imposing on you comes from a lack of understanding the process...it's ok to draw the line.
I agree. I think it's perfectly fine to draw that line. For me, that would mean not going. It wouldn't mean ignoring the request a friend had made and attempting to educate him on lactivism in the middle of his wedding reception. We could work on that at a later date.

I'd have no trouble visiting with him after the wedding and telling him just how upset and uncomfortable his request had made me to the point that I chose not to attend.
post #113 of 157

...

i just found something on a clothing website and thought it was and was very related to this post.
it's a t-shirt that said, "if nursing in public offends you, please feel free to put a blanket over your head."
if someone is uncomfortable with it, then they don't have to look/watch.
post #114 of 157
Quote:
Originally Posted by lotusdebi View Post
I'd bring the most garish, fugly blanket I could find, and cover up with it. I'd use it as a burpcloth and a shawl when I wasn't using it to cover up my baby. I'd fling it around like I was a bullfighter. I'd bring as much attention to that nasty piece of fabric as I could without making a sound.

Okay, I wouldn't really do that. I'd send my husband to the wedding and I'd skip it. I probably would've skipped it anyway, though, since my kids tend to cry a lot at that age, and I wouldn't want the extra anxiety.
you have me giggling.
post #115 of 157
I've already posted once here, but I can't hold my tongue any longer.

I'm asking this in the nicest way I can: why do we as members of this lactivism board get outraged and have nurse-ins when a server at Applebee's asks a nursing mom to use a blanket? But when it's a friend who asks a mom to use a blanket, we're supposed to be good little women and comply with the request? I honestly don't understand why we're supposed to act differently in these two situations. Is it because we're paying money to eat at Applebee's? Well, flying a family cross-country to take part in a wedding is a heck of a lot more expensive than a plate of Riblets.

I think ignorance needs education, whether it's a stranger at Applebee's, or a longtime friend. It can be done in a low-key, pleasant manner, but I don't think it's OK to just shut up and comply.
post #116 of 157
I agree that ignorance needs education. I disagree that this needs to happen before someone's wedding. Like I said further upthread, weddings (especially big, family, weddings) can be extremely stressful. I still remember mine well. You are being pulled in 2000 different ways and sometimes you just feel caught in the middle. If I ever get married again, I will elope . I thing the education can take place later.
post #117 of 157
Quote:
Originally Posted by pumpkinhead View Post
I agree that ignorance needs education. I disagree that this needs to happen before someone's wedding. Like I said further upthread, weddings (especially big, family, weddings) can be extremely stressful. I still remember mine well. You are being pulled in 2000 different ways and sometimes you just feel caught in the middle. If I ever get married again, I will elope . I thing the education can take place later.
Yes, weddings are stressful and sometimes people turn into Zillas; many of us have had weddings and are not ignorant of this. When a Zilla shows him/herself, they need to be told that they are overstepping their boundaries. Discussing one's guest's breasts and how they feed their infant is one such instance.
post #118 of 157
Quote:
Originally Posted by pumpkinhead View Post
I agree that ignorance needs education. I disagree that this needs to happen before someone's wedding. Like I said further upthread, weddings (especially big, family, weddings) can be extremely stressful. I still remember mine well. You are being pulled in 2000 different ways and sometimes you just feel caught in the middle. If I ever get married again, I will elope . I thing the education can take place later.
The problem with this situation is the OP has already made plans to cover (sling and nursing clothing). The Groom has chosen to turn this into an issue by declaring her preparations insufficient. His suggestion will not work with the OP's baby. Therefore, it is the Groom who has put himself in this situation. No one has suggested that the OP turn up topless and nurse directly in front of the officiant. (well, not seriously at any rate)

Most of the posters, like me, are outraged that the Groom will not be reassured by the OP's husband saying "She'll be covered." From a good friend, that should be enough.
post #119 of 157
Quote:
Originally Posted by AuntNi View Post
I've already posted once here, but I can't hold my tongue any longer.

I'm asking this in the nicest way I can: why do we as members of this lactivism board get outraged and have nurse-ins when a server at Applebee's asks a nursing mom to use a blanket? But when it's a friend who asks a mom to use a blanket, we're supposed to be good little women and comply with the request? I honestly don't understand why we're supposed to act differently in these two situations. Is it because we're paying money to eat at Applebee's? Well, flying a family cross-country to take part in a wedding is a heck of a lot more expensive than a plate of Riblets.

I think ignorance needs education, whether it's a stranger at Applebee's, or a longtime friend. It can be done in a low-key, pleasant manner, but I don't think it's OK to just shut up and comply.
ITA. The word "compromise" keeps being thrown around, but if she were to cover with a blanket that is not compromising. It is complying. Her dh has assured the groom that she'll be covered and discreet, but it is the groom who is continuing to make an issue about it. The groom is the one refusing to compromise.
post #120 of 157
With respect, the OP's baby isn't due until Dec. There's no way of knowing what will and what won't work for her baby until it's actually here .

It also doesn't sound like the groom is refusing to do anything. From the OP, it sounds as if it was one conversation. Perhaps he will come around before the wedding.
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