asked to cover at an up-coming wedding, wwyd? - Page 3

[MaryJaneLouise]

Sounds like a touch of "groomzilla" to me

[I-AM-Mother]

Originally Posted by MaryJaneLouise

Sounds like a touch of "groomzilla" to me

:

[Swan3]

Originally Posted by theboysmama

I have a sling that will match me dress (I have already put thought into this). Dh told bf that baby would be in a sling and no one would notice. but bf just doesn't seem to get it. Thinks I am going to have my whole boob hanging out. I am very small chested, will have the baby in a sling, and will be wearing a nursing dress, Way less obvious than covering w/ a blanket. I just don't get it.

Dh suggested we take a pic of me nursing in the dress and send it to bf so he could see, hate to have to prove myself but might be a good solution.

I think DH should talk to his friend and tell him he doesn't understand that there's nothing to see and that he's making a huge issue out of this, and insulting/hurting your family in the process. He should also tell him that you are hurt and now don't feel welcome and ask him if that's what he wanted you to feel?

Situations like these make me so angry!

[griffin2004]

why such antagonism toward this guy? it's his day, he wants his good friend, his wife, and their baby there to celebrate with him; why bust his chops over something that seems ridiculous to you but obviously is important to him?

I'd go and step out of the ceremony and reception to nurse; can you do that much for your hub's friend and not pound the friend over the head about it?

we see so much criticism here of those who have childfree weddings/receptions; can we at least give the friend credit for wanting the baby there?

[1littlebit]

i dont get it. hes getting married for cripes sake. is he going to be looking at the woman he's marrying or at his best friend's wife's boobies?

I agree with the pp who said to smile and nod and then carry one. heck sense it seems like he thinks nursing entails stripping naked to the waist he will probably think you are being discreet when you nurse normally! besides he probably doesn't realize that it would make much more of scene to cover up and have your LO screaming during the ceremony than to nurse normally. think of it as doing what's best for him in spite of himself!

[BugMacGee]

I dunno, I agree about trying to respect the groom's wishes on this one day. It's a few hours out of your life. It's a huge important event for him.

Incidentally, we no longer speak to a whole branch of our family because of an issue like this. It sucks.

[mamajake]

Poor OP, you may have gotten more response than you needed.

Fwiw, I completely agree with you that this is your husband's relationship (and your husband, btw, totally rocks). Your child won't want to be covered so it isn't an option for you.

My husband's niece got married when I had a young nursling and a toddler. She announced it was a "no child" wedding. It was a small wedding the groom's family was paying for and 3000 miles from our house. I wasn't offended (it wasn't your situation where the request is possibly offensive, depending on your world view). I suggested my DH fly over without me. His family put lots of pressure on me to leave my kids with a rent-a-sitter, including the nursling. It was very awkward explaining that that is not how exclusively breastfed babies work and I don't leave my kids with strangers. My niece-in-law then says that a couple of the groom's nephews will be there so "maybe" my kids can come. At this point, I am kind of sick of the whole thing but we have some negotiation e-mail. Still all perfectly pleasant but uncomfortable for me because folks were acting like I was unreasonable for not leaving my kids. Then we get a very nasty e-mail from the groom (who we have never met) saying we are bad people trying to manipulate his bride into letting us bring our kids to the wedding. DH and groom exchange nasty e-mail and we were not only the only family members not to go to the wedding but my DH and his niece never spoke again - that was ten years ago.

Just not fair to put you in this position.

[BugMacGee]

Originally Posted by mamajake

Poor OP, you may have gotten more response than you needed.

Fwiw, I completely agree with you that this is your husband's relationship (and your husband, btw, totally rocks). Your child won't want to be covered so it isn't an option for you.

My husband's niece got married when I had a young nursling and a toddler. She announced it was a "no child" wedding. It was a small wedding the groom's family was paying for and 3000 miles from our house. I wasn't offended (it wasn't your situation where the request is possibly offensive, depending on your world view). I suggested my DH fly over without me. His family put lots of pressure on me to leave my kids with a rent-a-sitter, including the nursling. It was very awkward explaining that that is not how exclusively breastfed babies work and I don't leave my kids with strangers. My niece-in-law then says that a couple of the groom's nephews will be there so "maybe" my kids can come. At this point, I am kind of sick of the whole thing but we have some negotiation e-mail. Still all perfectly pleasant but uncomfortable for me because folks were acting like I was unreasonable for not leaving my kids. Then we get a very nasty e-mail from the groom (who we have never met) saying we are bad people trying to manipulate his bride into letting us bring our kids to the wedding. DH and groom exchange nasty e-mail and we were not only the only family members not to go to the wedding but my DH and his niece never spoke again - that was ten years ago.

Just not fair to put you in this position.

That is eerily similar to what happened in my family. Just reverse bride with groom.

[Otterella]

I asked DH this question last night because I was thinking maybe my reaction was a little too "militant" and over the top.

Me: If you had a best friend who was getting married and asked you to be a groomsman, but said I could only come if I covered up while nursing, what would you do?

DH: [no hesitation] I'd tell him to have a nice day.

Me: So you wouldn't even go.

DH: No, but really, I don't see that it would ever be an issue. I can't imagine why we'd be friends with someone like that in the first place.

Me: What if it was the bride that wanted him to make the request?

DH: I still don't see how we'd be friends with someone who would marry someone like that.

:

[MommyJoia]

Originally Posted by Otterella

I asked DH this question last night because I was thinking maybe my reaction was a little too "militant" and over the top.

Me: If you had a best friend who was getting married and asked you to be a groomsman, but said I could only come if I covered up while nursing, what would you do?

DH: [no hesitation] I'd tell him to have a nice day.

Me: So you wouldn't even go.

DH: No, but really, I don't see that it would ever be an issue. I can't imagine why we'd be friends with someone like that in the first place.

Me: What if it was the bride that wanted him to make the request?

DH: I still don't see how we'd be friends with someone who would marry someone like that.

:

That's awesome!

[Freefromitall]

Is this how you treat your friends? Acting ashamed of your friend, embarassing them, and asking them to draw attention to an otherwise innocuous act?

No, but I do take my friends feelings into consideration, and if something makes them uncomfortable, if I truly value that friendship, I find a way to work around it.
I guess I don't view a cover as a life-or-death, be-all-and-end-all, to my values though.

It seems like a simple enough choice, either take a cover, or stay home.

[pumpkinhead]

Originally Posted by Emmeline II

Is this how you treat your friends? Acting ashamed of your friend, embarassing them, and asking them to draw attention to an otherwise innocuous act?

Funny how everyone's feelings but the mother's are taken into consideration in these circumstances. Just because it is "his day" or "her day" doesn't mean you can treat people badly; it means you can pick out color's, invitations, dresses, hymns, etc.

I find "requests" like this as offensive as if someone told me to leave my dh home because he is black.

Weddings are stressful. You're in a position of trying to make everyone, including yourself, happy. You can't do this. It's not possible, but you try anyway. This makes for a lot of stress. Normal, pleasant people can turn into whacko, raving shrews during wedding planning. It will pass.

Respectfully, asking someone to nurse discreetly according to your personal standards isn't even remotely in the same category as asking someone to leave their black spouse behind. Not even in the same ballpark. I find the comparison a bit apalling.

[KirstenMary]

You have a sling and a nursing dress. Maybe explain to him that those two items will provide more coverage than a traditional "cover." I am guessing that he just can't fathom how the whole nursing "thing" works.

[13pumpkins]

I am *very* I'll nurse wherever, whenever, however but on this one I think that the friend has a right to make his request. It is HIS wedding and obviously he is uncomfortable. Personally, I think it is stupid and that HE should say "can she cover up because I AM uncomfortable" instead of passing the buck onto his guests. As inane as his views are, he still is the host. Likewise, your family has the right to decline his invitation as your DH pointed out. It is still his wedding and not mandatory to attend. If covering up is not something you are comfortable with--I sympathize completed because I would have been very hurt and offended by this conversation--then, I would simply bow out of the wedding and explain exactly why.

[SashaBear]

Its been awhile since I posted, but . . .

I think the guy has no idea what a nursing mom looks like. You will have a sling and a nursing dress. You'll be a pro at it by 3.5 months. Tell him you will be covered up and go. He will have no idea. And you will be covered up with your sling and nursing dress!

[nerdymom]

I think he is probably just overreacting, perhaps to some pressure from his bride? But I can kind-of understand where he is coming from. He may have seen someone else nip in a way that he was not comfortable, or as a single guy with no kids he may just be uncomfortable with the idea of it.

It sounds like you DO have a cover (your nursing dress and matching sling), it's just not a blanket. I would have my DH tell his friend that you will be covered, but much more subtly than with a blanket. Your DH just needs to redefine "covered" for his friend. A blanket is so archaic! With modern fashion innovations and the beautiful baby carriers out there, a blanket is going to garner far more attention than your discreet attire.

It sounds like your DH (who sounds MARVELOUS btw, how wonderfully supportive of you!!) needs to make sure his friend knows that no one is going to do anything to detract from the lovely wedding or his beautiful bride. You want all of the attention on him and his special lady, and he can rest assured that you will be absolutely inobtrusive.

Please don't let this thing get blown out of proportion and mess up a good friendship!

[pumpkinhead]

Originally Posted by 13pumpkins

I am *very* I'll nurse wherever, whenever, however but on this one I think that the friend has a right to make his request. It is HIS wedding and obviously he is uncomfortable. Personally, I think it is stupid and that HE should say "can she cover up because I AM uncomfortable" instead of passing the buck onto his guests. As inane as his views are, he still is the host. Likewise, your family has the right to decline his invitation as your DH pointed out. It is still his wedding and not mandatory to attend. If covering up is not something you are comfortable with--I sympathize completed because I would have been very hurt and offended by this conversation--then, I would simply bow out of the wedding and explain exactly why.

I completely agree.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by griffin2004

why such antagonism toward this guy? it's his day, he wants his good friend, his wife, and their baby there to celebrate with him; why bust his chops over something that seems ridiculous to you but obviously is important to him?

Ridiculous is asking all women to wear up-dos, demanding that guest exclude herself to do something necessary (feed and comfort her baby) and making this guest's breasts and what they are doing at the wedding, a debate, is offensive. Many babes nurse ALL THE TIME; with my children I would essentially be excluded from all wedding activity in this situation.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by Freefromitall

No, but I do take my friends feelings into consideration, and if something makes them uncomfortable, if I truly value that friendship, I find a way to work around it.
I guess I don't view a cover as a life-or-death, be-all-and-end-all, to my values though.

It seems like a simple enough choice, either take a cover, or stay home.

I just don't get it. If you don't let a "friend" dictate what you do with your breasts and how you feed your baby then YOU are the one who doesn't value the friendship? You think it is OK to exclude someone for breastfeeding their child?

As as been stated several times many babes will not accept being covered; sometimes it is too hot to cover. But the issues here is not even being covered; the groom is demanding the OP cover with specifically with a blanket. A sling, which can "cover" (or shield from view) a babe is apparently not acceptable.

:sigh: Friend family or otherwise, my breasts and how I feed my babes is not up for discussion.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by I-AM-Mother

I would too. I thought he asked her to bring a blanket though, not to NOT come to his wedding and NOT nurse at all. Or use a bottle.

I said it would both be offensive to me, not that it was the same situation.

In any case, if she will not follow his rules, if he insists that she use a blanket or else, what do you suppose the "or else" would be?