My confidence has been shaken

[Eman'smom]

I just need to talk for a minute.

With Ds (1) I had ppd, the first few weeks I felt like I was holding it together, literally doing everything I could to keep it together. Then he was diagnosed with a near fatal liver problem, and I lost it. I totally blamed myself and the way I gave birth (the birth wasn't related, but it didn't go the way I wanted and in my hormonal state I felt that if I had birthed "correctly" he would have been fine), I feel that I really suffered more from post tramatic stress rather than depression. The birth wasn't going well, and I couldn't say at least I had a healthy baby so it didn't matter. I'm now a big believer in the birth experience being extremely important.

Fast forward to dd (2) we did everything we could to make her birth perfect, and it was. This week I got a call from the midwife saying that one of my screens for my 6 week pp came back abnormal. She and dh are convinced that it's a lab error or another problem ( I was/am still bleeding from birth). However now I'm totally doubting everything again. I don't know why but I tend to relate things to the birth. I'm now worried that I might have hurt dd in some way, or that if I had birthed better...... I don't want this one stupid test, that we all know is some stupid error to ruin my great birth. But this last week I've been so nervous and freaked out I feel like everything is falling apart. I'm worried that even after this scare is over I won't be back to my normal self. I've been feeling so great since she's been born, I've been so relived that I haven't been the total wreck that I was after ds.

I don't want to second guess her great birth and pick it apart to should have, would haves and end up like I was with her brother.

I'm not sure what I need to do, I'm just losing it, and I go back to work in a few weeks and don't want my last few weeks at home with her clouded with all this sadness and worry.

[Jish]

What type of screening did they do at your six week checkup. At mine the only thing they have ever done at my 6 wk pp check was a pap smear (which has come back abnormal after both my births, BTW, but testing a month later has always been fine.) I also bled for more than six weeks with both of my kiddos, unfortunately.

As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety I wish I could tell you not to worry, that everything is fine, but I know how unhelpful and even callous that can sound. It's just impossible at times. What I would do if I were you is talk to your MW about the test and find out how to have it redone, just to check. If it was a pap, you may have to wait a few weeks, but if you are going to be worrying, you might as well take steps to see what it is you should be worrying about and if it is really warrented.

Second, I highly recommend that you find a counselor and begin working through these issues related to the births of your children. Your fears, concerns, anxiety shouldn't be something that you try to rationalize or ignore. It also sounds like it isn't something you are going to be able to work through yourself, since it sounds like even you know that you are putting too much pressure on yourself for the births you had, and are trying to tie what you see as any failure on your part (which simply isn't there) during the birth, on things that have no relation. A counselor or social worker will be able to help you through and come to any closure you need.

Feel free to vent anytime, that's what this forum is for.