Daughter Hates Step Father

[frag88chick]

My 16 year old daughter hates her step father and I do not understand why? I ask but she just says I don't know.We were alone a long time before I met him and decided to get married.It is causing a lot of tension at home and I do not know what to do?I love them both but feel caught in between.

[dawn1221]

It is the age. My DSS is 16 and he is hating me and his step dad (his mom re-married too).

This will pass, just ride out the storm.

[nummies]

It may pass. I strongly disliked my step-father at that age as well. Things changed and I really began to like him after awhile. Now however, I see how he treats my mother and I really just don't like him. But that is another post and another issue.

My point is, that age is hard already. Having to deal with divorce and remarriage with a new person only makes it harder. Tell her to share her feelings with you. And in the end, she isn't really required to like him. Maybe to show respect in the home, but not all people can get along with others.

Give it time and see if she comes around. Include her in family activities. Encourage her to talk about it, etc.

Best of luck!

[Oriole]

I think it might be a good idea to take off the pressure off of her and tell her she doesn't have to like him, and I think it would be good if he was the one to let her know that.

He should allow her to have her space, and allow her to approach him as the time goes by. Respect should be there, but the connection won't be built overnight, especially if things started out on the wrong foot. You can't force these things, and such complicated relationships take time.

Baby-steps

Is your husband willing to work on this? Does he act defensive? hurt? argumentative? understanding? when the problems arise?

[2lilsweetfoxes]

I hate to bring up another possibility, but I hated my stepfather, too at that age. I could not put my finger on why (my dad had custody of me, so I only spent a couple weeks a year with them). A couple years later, after I'd moved in with my mom and him to go to a college near their home, he started to act inappropriately towards me, trying to make me his "other woman"--as if he wanted to cheat on my mom with me...

[Fianna]

How long have you been married to him? If it hasn't been long then she is probably having adjustment issues because, as you said, it was just you and her for awhile. I know my older dd had adjustment issues when my now dh and his children came into our lives. She was used to having me to herself and suddenly her life dramatically changed.

I also agree that if your dh can deal with this directly it will go a long way. If he can talk to her and be sympathetic to her feelings and let her know that it's ok for her to feel that way and that he isn't upset about that may really help your dd to deal with her feelings.

[debmac69]

My daughter and my DH have had their ups and downs. When I stepped into the situation, it usually only made matters worse.
I also say that allowing your DH to sort it out with your daughter is the better solution.
Try to make sure that while they are sorting out their feelings for each other, that you have your alone time with your daughter. I am probably preaching to the choir, but I am sure that you already know how important it is for your daughter to have just "mom" time...especially with all of the changes in her life that are just happening due to the age factor...sixteen is a difficult time for a girl in and of itself. Being caught between being a child and becoming a woman...she's only two years away from being a legal adult.
If your DH addresses her feelings for him and if you give her the alone time that she is probably craving, then you will probably see some positive results over time...give it time.