Bio-family gifts

[mamarhu]

Oy! It was FD's 8th birthday, and we had a great, 3 day celebration with a family party with gifts , cupcakes at school, and out to dinner with a friend (in princess costumes!!). Everyone was satisfied and happy. Oops - I forgot bio mom and grandmother. At the next visit, they brought every Hannah Montana/Disney piece of junk you have ever seen. Trashy clothes (inappropriate for anyone, but especially a little girl with a sexual history), make-up, anything I have ever said no to! Filled 2 big trash bags to get home from the visit.

How do I approach this? If I take the toys and clothes away, I become the bad-guy. Anti-Mommy, and I have tried hard to avoid that role. I want to tell her my opinions on this stuff, without insulting her Mom. FWIW, I will be adopting her, but intend to continue visits with Mom, so I know I will need to approach Mom about future gifts. This time, I told Mom that FD would like roller blades, but it didn't occur to me to say "AND NOTHING ELSE!!!" I understand that gift giving is almost the only way mom has to express her love. And I guess I might do the same (get the kid anything she asks for) if I were in her shoes.

Any experiences and advice would be welcome - I have to plan my response (or none) to this episode as well as the future. I have been silent so far, but I would rather face all this once than every gift-giving occasion. I don't want this to come off as a class issue (I will try to keep snobby/crunchy teen daughter from making insulting jokes) -but how do I say that we don't want that stuff in our family (sexualized, mass-marketed; consumerism at it's worst)? Or is my new daughter a package deal, complete with a Disney/Bratz fixation that I will never change, so I had better just get used to it?

[alicia622]

My first question is has there been a TPR (and that's how you are so certain you will be adopting this child)? Then I wonder if there is a child welfare worker involved that could help with how to approach this topic with her. When I worked with foster care and supervised visits, the DHHS workers could be extremely particular about what was and wasn't allowed for gift giving. Some were reasonable and others were just over the top ridiculous. To specifying what exactly was allowed, how many items, size of gifts...

I think that yes you do need to accept that the 8yo does like these things and while you may not approve it is a part of her history and she may have some strong associations with some of the things you find so inappropriate. Not saying this is the case- but she may have a special memory of getting makeup from grandma or playing dressup with cousins or even getting a HUGE amount of gifts for her birthday. Perhaps not getting this much stuff would have made her feel very sad- like they didn't care about her anymore if they had always gone overboard for her birthday. Again, I'm just guessing but you really never know the meaning attached to seemingly meaningless things.

It might be easier to approach with the bio family after adoption because at this point you don't really have the authority to do so.

[Polliwog]

Around here, foster parents can tell birth parents the guidelines for gift giving. The social worker can get involved if needed. I usually tried to avoid that and took all the stuff home where most of it got lost in the closet. Chris was 2 1/2 at the time so he didn't remember it existed. For us, it was mostly cheap character stuff, mostly plastic. They (birth mother and grandmother,) tend to fall more on the quantity side of gift giving where my family is more on the few quality toys/books side of things.

I need to talk with birth mother and grandma and let them know what my thoughts are. We've got an open adoption and a pretty good relationship. I'm going to emphasize the fact that our house is really small and that if things come in, others need to go out. I'm going to ask them to limit gifts to one or two. Hopefully, they'll stick to more CARS things if they go the character route. He hasn't seen most of the other movies that other kids have seen.

So, back to your situation which is different than mine (in case you haven't noticed, I tend to ramble.) I would probably allow her to have the clothes but only wear them at home. The makeup, maybe have some special "spa time" where she gets to try it on. Again, at home. I agree, it's hard, to balance your values with that of the child's birth family. You don't want to offend but you don't have a lot of control.

[lauren]

Is it possible to tell her that she can wear those things around the house, but not OUT of the house? That sometimes works around here with inappropriate dress or jewelry or shoes. That way you can share that you accept that she may like these things, but that they are inappropriate to be seen in since she is so young.

[lamamax3]

I don't have much advice for you except that unless she totally falls in love with some of the items, 8 year olds taste in what to play with can change week to week. Give her time to enjoy her presents, and then stash it away in a closet. If she asks later, you can pull it back out, and there's a good chance that she won't think of it if it's not out to see.

I do have to ask though, what is sexual about Hannah Montana? My kids don't watch the show, but I've flipped past it on tv before. The few times I've see any of it, the story lines were simple teenaged stuff with lots of slapstick and silly situations. It's not at all like the teen shows they have on Nickelodeon. We do not allow Bratz because they wear trashy clothes, too much makeup, and sell a play set that is a nightclub (complete with a bar).

[mamarhu]

I have never seen the Hannah Montana show either, but when LittleGirl sings her songs, she always does it with a lot of suggestive moves. These may be more a facet of her history (praised for seductive dancing etc.) than Hannah herself, but I make a big point around here that little girls don't dress like that, move like that and so on. I guess I mainly do not want this 8 YO interested in teen themes yet - she is just now learning to be a child.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

For the future, I might say something like, "You know, DD really likes to shop. Could you maybe get her a gift certificate to xyz so that she can have an experience on top of what she gets?" That way you can go with her and "help" her choose.

My niece, who has lived with us off and on a lot of her life, has incredibly horrible taste in clothes leaning toward the hoochie-mama style (to quote her brother ). It's really tricky to encourage her to choose differently because she really sees her choices as a part of her identity (a funny story: One day she had gotten dressed to go to school and had on something strange. Her brother said that she looked like a hoochie mama, which didn't seem to phase her. So he asked if she even knew what a hoochie mama looked like and she turned, in total seriousness and said, "Yeah, COOL." )

Anyhow (sorry ) it's just taken some gentle encouragement to steer her away from inappropriate things. They watch bratz and whatnot and I just had to put my foot down. Now, at least at my home, they know there's a different way of doing things - and they've adjusted. That doesn't necessarily change what they do when they're not here, or what they actually like, but at least they have an understanding that someone thinks those things are the best for them and maybe, just maybe, they'll look back on it and agree. One more thing, I definitely DO NOT deride their mother (in front of them) for allowing them to do/watch/wear whatever. I just try to establish myself as an alternative to it in as positive a way as I can. I hope that makes sense.