I don't mean to start an argument, but wanted to share some processing I've been doing mentally with other parents who understand adoption. This is about gentle discipline specifically, and I think it's safe to post about that on Mothering's forums. I do not intend to offend anyone so please, please, if this offends you, accept my apology.
Although our loved ones have been very understanding of our Toddler acting out, misbehaving, or perhaps being slower at manners and using his words, I know some people must think we are push-overs and spoiling him. I must be totally honest - if I hadn't adopted, I may not still be as adamant about gentle discipline. I may have used corporal punishment too. I may have continued that same way of teaching; that children are to behave and respect adults, and that slapping or spanking is a perfectly fine way to demand that.
There are days when the urge to smack him is almost unbearable. I put him in time-out just to walk away and count. Count to 10? No, a hundred. A thousand. A million somedays.
When I adopted though, I promised to use alternative methods. It was required as part of adopting, and part of our adoption training. Plain and simple. It's a rule for me. But rules get broken, and there are times when I almost do it.
One of my great interests is neurochemistry, and ultimately child development. Science continues exploring the human brain, and has shown that a complex dance of chemicals and electrical impulses work together as a baby's brain develops. Huge leaps of brain development are undergone in the first few years of life, as we all know when we see babies and toddlers learn at a lightning quick pace.
In the bio child, chemicals and neurons have come together in a mysterious alchemy to link mommy with safety, security, and ultimately life. He recognizes mommy's voice while in the womb, and can detect her smell almost as soon as he's born. By co-sleeping, his heart and breathing come together smoothly at an earlier age, beating in rhythm with his mother's. Even as he feels vibration and texture yet can't form complex thoughts about them, his brain chemistry adapts to know mommy is living, breathing, warmth, comfort, and food, all at once. His brain literally wires mommy and safety together as literally as we wire blue and the light rays that make it together. It is as much a part of his world view as food is good and hugs make me feel good. Mommy is love.
But the foster or adopted child? He may not get that wiring in infancy. At best, when he is finally given a forever home, he has to re-wire to a new mommy and daddy. This is likely why they regress, in my opinion - their brain has to forge whole new connections between safety, comfort, food, and care provider. It takes time because it's a complex dance of chemicals and impulses that wire the brain. When children are older, their brain may not re-wire as quickly, just as adults find they do not learn new languages as quickly as school age kids do. Brains are simply less plastic and the challenge for an adoptive child is forcing the new connections. Deep inside his brain, chemicals and neurons are dancing, and he is re-learning as he cries out to be held, is desperate to cuddle mama, and asks for foods just to be sure he will be fed.
What does he learn when he panics because he turns around and Mommy isn't behind him like she was a moment ago? He is afraid. What does he learn if Mommy gets frustrated about his "whining" and his "temper tantrum", and chastises him for not using words? What if Mommy slaps him to "give him something to cry about"? His little brain goes ok, here's the wire for pain, here's the wire for Mommy, let's link those together. Mommy means pain. Mommy means fear, frustration, and hurtful response.
When he wakes me up in the middle of the night, and can't even put into words his sudden panic and fear to find himself in a bed that is still not quite home, he needs me to baby him. He needs to know Mommy is close at hand, and like a newborn, he needs to know Mommy will respond with comfort and cuddles rather than frustration. He needs to rocked in a chair as if he was a few months old, to rest his ear against Mommy's chest so his brain can take in her scent, her heartbeat, and the rhythm of her breathing, and learn this as love.
Somedays I'd like to force Toddler to behave as I believe a kid should. My ego says "this little man needs to respect me by speaking politely and using manners rather than dissolving into a teary, wordless temper tantrum". But if nothing else, the re-wiring and building of his plastic little brain, which develops now and creates a lifetime personality based on my responses now, demands my ego be set aside, and I remember, in every movement and response I must show him love and safety above all else.
Although our loved ones have been very understanding of our Toddler acting out, misbehaving, or perhaps being slower at manners and using his words, I know some people must think we are push-overs and spoiling him. I must be totally honest - if I hadn't adopted, I may not still be as adamant about gentle discipline. I may have used corporal punishment too. I may have continued that same way of teaching; that children are to behave and respect adults, and that slapping or spanking is a perfectly fine way to demand that.
There are days when the urge to smack him is almost unbearable. I put him in time-out just to walk away and count. Count to 10? No, a hundred. A thousand. A million somedays.
When I adopted though, I promised to use alternative methods. It was required as part of adopting, and part of our adoption training. Plain and simple. It's a rule for me. But rules get broken, and there are times when I almost do it.
One of my great interests is neurochemistry, and ultimately child development. Science continues exploring the human brain, and has shown that a complex dance of chemicals and electrical impulses work together as a baby's brain develops. Huge leaps of brain development are undergone in the first few years of life, as we all know when we see babies and toddlers learn at a lightning quick pace.
In the bio child, chemicals and neurons have come together in a mysterious alchemy to link mommy with safety, security, and ultimately life. He recognizes mommy's voice while in the womb, and can detect her smell almost as soon as he's born. By co-sleeping, his heart and breathing come together smoothly at an earlier age, beating in rhythm with his mother's. Even as he feels vibration and texture yet can't form complex thoughts about them, his brain chemistry adapts to know mommy is living, breathing, warmth, comfort, and food, all at once. His brain literally wires mommy and safety together as literally as we wire blue and the light rays that make it together. It is as much a part of his world view as food is good and hugs make me feel good. Mommy is love.
But the foster or adopted child? He may not get that wiring in infancy. At best, when he is finally given a forever home, he has to re-wire to a new mommy and daddy. This is likely why they regress, in my opinion - their brain has to forge whole new connections between safety, comfort, food, and care provider. It takes time because it's a complex dance of chemicals and impulses that wire the brain. When children are older, their brain may not re-wire as quickly, just as adults find they do not learn new languages as quickly as school age kids do. Brains are simply less plastic and the challenge for an adoptive child is forcing the new connections. Deep inside his brain, chemicals and neurons are dancing, and he is re-learning as he cries out to be held, is desperate to cuddle mama, and asks for foods just to be sure he will be fed.
What does he learn when he panics because he turns around and Mommy isn't behind him like she was a moment ago? He is afraid. What does he learn if Mommy gets frustrated about his "whining" and his "temper tantrum", and chastises him for not using words? What if Mommy slaps him to "give him something to cry about"? His little brain goes ok, here's the wire for pain, here's the wire for Mommy, let's link those together. Mommy means pain. Mommy means fear, frustration, and hurtful response.
When he wakes me up in the middle of the night, and can't even put into words his sudden panic and fear to find himself in a bed that is still not quite home, he needs me to baby him. He needs to know Mommy is close at hand, and like a newborn, he needs to know Mommy will respond with comfort and cuddles rather than frustration. He needs to rocked in a chair as if he was a few months old, to rest his ear against Mommy's chest so his brain can take in her scent, her heartbeat, and the rhythm of her breathing, and learn this as love.
Somedays I'd like to force Toddler to behave as I believe a kid should. My ego says "this little man needs to respect me by speaking politely and using manners rather than dissolving into a teary, wordless temper tantrum". But if nothing else, the re-wiring and building of his plastic little brain, which develops now and creates a lifetime personality based on my responses now, demands my ego be set aside, and I remember, in every movement and response I must show him love and safety above all else.
