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Help with my 3 yo  

post #1 of 17
10/24/08 at 11:44am
Thread Starter 
My (almost) 3 yo is driving me crazy! He is constantly defiant, doesn't listen to anything I tell him, and is just a terror in general. This started during the summer, and has gotten progressively worse. Part of it is his age, I know. Part of it is his new baby sister. Part is that he's tired (since she was born, he's started getting up at 5:30!)

I feel like all I do every day, all day long is yell at him and punish him (usually by taking things away). I need to get a handle on his behavior, and my reaction to his naughtiness. For both our sakes. He cannot continue to behave this way (when he's having really bad days, we just don't leave the house), and I can't continue to spend so much time angry at him.

Please help!
post #2 of 17
10/24/08 at 11:53am
:
I'm right there with ya'! He turned 3 in September, and he is driving us nuts!
post #3 of 17
10/24/08 at 4:51pm
Thread Starter 
no one?
post #4 of 17
10/24/08 at 5:14pm
MMO? Pre-School?

You are busy with a new baby and he wants attention or activites. His behavior is not acceptable, but understandable.
post #5 of 17
10/29/08 at 10:31pm
I completely understand what you are going through. My son is 3.5 and I have a 6 mos. old daughter. My son will have times when he is great and other times when he is a complete terror. He is defiant and aggressive. We have been using 'time out' for unsafe behavior and although it gives us a break, it doesn't seem to be changing his behavior. Because I'm so exhausted, I kind of feel like I'm on survival mode. I have resorted to going for a drive once a day if he gets really out of control. Sorry if I don't have any great ideas, but I'm right there with you.
post #6 of 17
10/30/08 at 7:12am
I think yelling at him and punishing him are likely to make things worse. It sounds like he is going through a time with many changes and he needs your support. Maybe you could take a deep breath and ask yourself wat you would have wanted if you were him? My sympathies are with you, I know it's hard.
post #7 of 17
10/30/08 at 7:13am
I think yelling at him and punishing him are likely to make things worse. It sounds like he is going through a time with many changes and he needs your support. Maybe you could take a deep breath and ask yourself what you would have wanted if you were him? My sympathies are with you, I know it's hard.
post #8 of 17
10/30/08 at 12:09pm
:
I'm in the same boat--3.5 yr old with challenging behavior, new baby in the house. My patience is spread so thin! Maybe we need a 3-year-old support thread....
post #9 of 17
10/30/08 at 11:46pm
Three years old is HELL. Period. You just need to zip on your Zen suit and get through it.

I posted this in another "3 year olds suck" thread today, but I will say it again as a mama who has come out the other end with a lovely, sweet, mostly well mannered boy.

Just know that age 3 seems to be universally challenging. It IS a phase and they will get past it. This is all very developmentally normal (doesn't make it any easier, I know)


Remember, he's just a little boy with a whirling twirling mind and a body bursting with energy and he's still learning this whole "how to be a person" routine. Our job is not to order or ask or expect or demand or direct. Our job is to teach and guide and explain, and explain again, and then to do some more explaining and forgive and forget and hug and humor and hand hold. And most of all to listen and learn. I always say it's MY job to learn how to communicate with him, not HIS job to take orders from me. It differs from kid to kid, mama to mama. It's just takes some patience to find your path.
post #10 of 17
10/31/08 at 10:26am
Another one here with a terrifying 3 year old...that's not even three yet. In a few months he will be, but he is certainly acting like it. I keep thinking, how will I ever get through this year? And to be honest, I'm not sure I will...
post #11 of 17
10/31/08 at 10:27am
Thank you for this!
Quote:
Originally Posted by boatbaby View Post
Three years old is HELL. Period. You just need to zip on your Zen suit and get through it.

I posted this in another "3 year olds suck" thread today, but I will say it again as a mama who has come out the other end with a lovely, sweet, mostly well mannered boy.

Just know that age 3 seems to be universally challenging. It IS a phase and they will get past it. This is all very developmentally normal (doesn't make it any easier, I know)


Remember, he's just a little boy with a whirling twirling mind and a body bursting with energy and he's still learning this whole "how to be a person" routine. Our job is not to order or ask or expect or demand or direct. Our job is to teach and guide and explain, and explain again, and then to do some more explaining and forgive and forget and hug and humor and hand hold. And most of all to listen and learn. I always say it's MY job to learn how to communicate with him, not HIS job to take orders from me. It differs from kid to kid, mama to mama. It's just takes some patience to find your path.
post #12 of 17
10/31/08 at 11:21am
I could've written this post myself this morning. DD starting waking at 5:30 upon DD2's birth and generally refuses to go to bed. I'm with you and I feel completely lost as to what to do. My husband thinks my stern voice is to mean. I feel like nothing else gets through to DD though (although even my stern voice doesn't). Taking things away just isn't effective enough to change the behavior. Consistency is supposed to be the key, but it's hard to be consistent with the tasmanian devil when you just need an end to the insanity at time! Time outs are given for unsafe behavior but they don't work either.

DD2 (2 months old) is getting the shaft because the 3 year old is so demanding when she hits the roof.

I feel like it's just going to be reading/getting advice and trying anything to see if it works. My best tactic so far has been to wait out the screaming, etc. I can outlast her for the most part and then after she's calm and can carry on. There really isn't a "punishment" to this behavior. I don't ignore her, I just let her know what is ok and what isn't. What will get my attention (cooperation) and what won't (hitting, screaming, etc.) I go into another room and this morning she followed. She continued to freak out, but when she would hit or kick I would let her know that is not ok behavior, but go back to what I was doing. I realize that offering her options doesn't help either.

I believe the biggest challenge has been to have my actions and words be on the same page. I find myself attempting this solution or that solution and then I'm a mixed up mess and so is she.
post #13 of 17
11/2/08 at 9:30pm
Could he be waking up at that ungodly hour in order to try and get some baby-free time with you? Is there some other way that you could arrange such time to satisfy his need?

Other advice: the Zen suit is a good investment. And remember the ancient Taoist wisdom "This, too, shall pass."

However, some more practical things you can do are give him a chore and find a hobby for him. If he has a chore he can feel useful and start looking forward to taking a more active role in helping the family rather than feeling threatened because the utterly passive "baby" role has been usurped. A hobby like painting or modeling with clay (something that has tangible and lasting results) is also good because you can show off his products and praise them to him, to his father, to the baby, and to anyone else who comes by. Cooking or baking together might also channel his energy towards helping rather than creating chaos.
post #14 of 17
11/3/08 at 10:33pm
My three is almost four and yes - I've always said - give me the terrible twos - it's the threes that are awful! Threes think they're bigger. Twos can still be told things. Threes are "big" people with big ideas, looking for independence and they have a mind of their own! I have found that scheduling the day a bit helps a lot. I'm not rigorous or anything (believe me, I am far from a strict scheduler), but it's nice to have a preschooly calendar on the wall with some things to look forward to, like, "Breakfast, Clean-up, Play in the Living Room, Art time, go Outside, Lunch, Movie Time, Nap...etc."
You can add in errands you have to run, a project, that kind of thing.

Having a routine is so important at this age because while they don't need to be structured in everything, guidance is key. And it makes them feel important. Especially when there are younger ones around!
post #15 of 17
11/6/08 at 9:23pm
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone. it helps to know I'm not the only one in this situation. One thing that makes all this harder is that I'm a WAHM, so sometimes, I need to focus on working, and he gets shafted during those times. I can wear DD and work on the computer, but I can't really focus on him and work at the same time.
post #16 of 17
11/6/08 at 9:50pm
Only you can know if this is a phase b/c of the baby or something bigger. For us, it's something bigger and I'm trying to branch out in my parenting techniques to try and learn how to be a better parent to my almost 4yo. He exhibits a lot of ADHD sx so we're trying different ideas I've found online. We started a sticker chart today and it started off well, but now we've taken off 3 stickers and he's back to not caring. We'll probably end up calling his ped next week and get a referral to a family counselor at Children's that can maybe give us some more ideas. I have a 5yo who was nothing like this, so I know for Evan, it's not necessarily him 'just' being 3. Our baby will be here in 3 mos and the last thing I want is for it to get worse! I hope it's just a phase for you though and things will get better soon!
post #17 of 17
11/20/08 at 3:47pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by thepeach80 View Post
We'll probably end up calling his ped next week and get a referral to a family counselor at Children's that can maybe give us some more ideas. I have a 5yo who was nothing like this, so I know for Evan, it's not necessarily him 'just' being 3.
But what if your 3 year old was your first child and your 5 was your second? Just saying even siblings go through age phases differently. Perhaps you just lucked out with the 5 year old?

Love the calendar idea - thanks everyone Best of luck to the op.
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