Good job?

[lindsayjean]

OKay, not sure if this is the right forum- mods feel free to move this!


Anyway... Could you tell me some things you tell your child instead of Good job and the reasons why you personally choose not to say it? My husband says good job not a LOT, but at least a few times a day to our 19 month old and thinks she'll have a complex about us never showing pride in her if we never tell her we think she did a good job. I disagree, telling him that we're teaching her to have pride in herself and not *need* the good job's from us (although I did say I don't think it's bad to use "good job" in very specific instances that don't have very often).

Okay- thoughts?

[mamazee]

Here's a really good article about it: http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

My biggest issues are that it can create children who have to be given praise in order to be happy - who aren't able to appreciate their own work unless someone else shows appreciation. Also, it gives almost no information. If you're happy with something she did, you can say "I like the way you . . . " if you feel a strong need to give praise. Though personally I agree with Alfie Kohn, who wrote the above article, that making children judge their efforts through our eyes rather than their own isn't ideal. I don't think it's a problem to praise from time to time when you are really and truly pleased and have something concrete to say, not just "good job." But people praise as manipulation - do what I want and I'll give you a pat on the head - rather than out of true appreciation sometimes.

[Shaki]

I try to avoid Good Job for all the reasons Alfie Kohn lays out in Unconditional Parenting.
Sometimes I do say it, and forgive myself and move on. And I don't sweat it when other people say it.
Things I say instead:
"You did it!"
"You caught it!"
"You're a runner! (or jumper, dancer, singer, painter, skipper)" or "Wow! What a jumper you are!"
"Thanks for your help" (if she does something that helps out).
"You figured it out!"

My biggest challenges are talking about her paintings because I genuinely do find them beautiful, so I'm working alot on alternatives to "Beautiful!" Like asking her about them, noticing brush strokes, color placement, thickness of paint.

[motherearthdancer]

I think that is a good distinction to make. There is a great difference in parenting styles between parents who are involved with their kids & those that want to control them (I e do a good job & get a reward)

We say good job a lot but now that I think about it I really do feel he had done a good job. We say other things as well like, "oh you are picking up the toys" or "did you notice that brother is drawing a picture" and just make statements other than constant praise.

But I don't think there is anything wrong with "good job" &bu do feel its normal for kids to want & seek approval from parents...its like pp said...we just want to be sure we encourage them to be proud of their own work!

[kiwiva]

I also avoid Good job after reading Kohn. Also it becomes amazingly annoying to be around others (my parents, neice, nephew, etc) who use good job. Seriously it is used constantly by older children to my toddler. You realize how annoying and truly meaningless it can be.

I go along with DD's excitement in her accomplishment. "Oh you did x" "Cool whatever it is." She changed the CD today and started another one. She ran in exuberantly telling me that she changed the music herself. So I just replied with as much enthusiasm as she was showing, "wow, you did it by yourself!"

I was at the airport one day and this little boy, a toddler I think, did something I can't recall but he was soooo excited by what he had just done, absolutely beaming and his parent said good job. He actually looked pretty deflated by the comment bc it was the delivered in such a rote fashion. I am sure he heard it constantly, so like everything else it loses its meaning.

I think DH and I have said it but generally don't.

[ktmama]

I don't use it either, for the same reasons that it has absolutely NO meaning and it doesn't lead to further communication. Sometimes I will ask my dd a question when I see her doing something or she shows some enthusiasm for something she did like:

Was that hard for you?
Did you enjoy that?
Was that fun for you?

or I'll make an observation like:

You were smiling when you were painting - you looked really happy
You brought a lot of concentration to that
You put the green thing in the orange thing!

There are unlimited ways that you can notice what your kid is doing without resorting to Good Job, although I have to confess that my dh uses it sometimes. But, since he only speaks French to dd2, "Bravo!" sound much nicer than "Good Job!".

[WhaleinGaloshes]

I avoid 'good job.' What hit home for me about the negative aspects of praise was the evaluation in it. That's nice, you're good, etc. It's something I want to avoid in my communication with DD.

I follow the general guideline "describe what you see, describe how you feel." I also keep in mind something from Kohn "just notice." It's so cool to me how that happens, DD is just as encouraged by the fact that I noticed that by me giving her the evaluative 'stamp of approval'.

I like all of the suggestions above, and when I'm reaching for something sort of generic and more mindless I go with "you did it!"

[kirstenb]

While I do say "Good job" sometimes, I try to make sure I am not saying it frequently. It can be hard to get out of that habit. DS is at the age where he likes to help, so I will say "Thank you for helping" after. When he is playing and looks to me after he does something (stack up blocks, etc), I'll say something like "Look what you did!". I'll be taking notes on what other people say!

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I use "thank you" more than "good job" because that's really what I wanted to communicate -- thank you for helping. We also tried to add a specific things like "Hey, good job on this test" or whatever. Or "that looked like fun". But sometimes "good job" makes sense and is the natural response, in which case I don't worry about it. I think as long as you aren't "good job"-ing for breathing then its not that big an issue.

IMHO, this is one of those areas where its not worth trying to change what other people say. A few "good jobs" in a kid's life isn't going to make or break him. And if its the biggest parenting struggle/worry you have, count your blessings and move on. At some point I think obsessing about every single interaction we have with our kids kills the joy of having kids. And worrying about what other people say to our kids can kill a relationship and/or create tension. So what's worse -- a tense relationship between you and your DH or more "good jobs" than you think is ideal?

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by lindsayjean

OKay, not sure if this is the right forum- mods feel free to move this!


Anyway... Could you tell me some things you tell your child instead of Good job and the reasons why you personally choose not to say it? My husband says good job not a LOT, but at least a few times a day to our 19 month old and thinks she'll have a complex about us never showing pride in her if we never tell her we think she did a good job. I disagree, telling him that we're teaching her to have pride in herself and not *need* the good job's from us (although I did say I don't think it's bad to use "good job" in very specific instances that don't have very often).

Okay- thoughts?

i'm one of those who thinks this is not such a big deal. maybe there are issues with saying "good job," but there are far worse things you can say to your kid, KWIM?

anyway, i do say good job, but i also say a lot of "yay!" and i clap.

i'm an excitable person and reactions just ooze out of me. DH doesn't really have a "problem" with praising DD because he's not a very emotive person.

[octobermom]

I'm not as big on not saying it as some especially in an enviroment of postive parenting and gentle disicipline the occasional simple good job doesn't have the same if I didn't would it be bad as in a punitive home.. BUt I do avoid because other wasys make more sense. I like to be more specific SO in intead of good job I'll say. Thanks for the great job cleaning your room that really helps keep our home looking nice. Ect..
FWIW I grew up in a home where good job was NEVR said (nor the opposite) and I was VERY insecure I hated the lack of feedback and I gerw up doubted anyone who compliemented me, so why I'm careful not to over do it I will say it.

Deanna

[LynnS6]

I try to be as specific as I can be because I think it's more helpful to my kids. I also try to describe the effect of what they've done. But I don't lose sleep about "good job" even after reading the articles on why it's not the best thing to say.

Things I do say:
"Wow, look at that. You climbed all the way to the top!"
"Look how high up you are!"
"You figured it out."
"You pulled yourself up to the top of the monkey bars. It takes strong muscles to do that."
"Thank you. Doing the dishes is a lot faster when everyone brings their plates into the kitchen."
"Great. You got your pjs on really fast, so now we have time to play a game before bedtime."
"Cool, that card looks really pretty. Tell me about how you made it."

[preggymeaggy]

There was sort of a debate that went on about this topic a few months ago. It was "You're a good girl!" in the Toddlers forum. Check it out! It's interesting to see everyone's responses.

[Ruthie's momma]

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