HELP- I'm afraid he is going to kill his sister... - Page 2

[lolar2]

Do you have anyone to help out? It sounds like what you need more than anything is another pair of hands so you can each grab a kid and take them in opposite directions. Even if you just get that once in a while, it would make a difference.

Also, if it's an option for you, my cousin found her two kids with the same age spread got along better when the older one was in preschool. It gave the older one the chance to rough-house with kids his own size, and a break from the baby as well.

[RubySlippers]

I can relate to an extent, though I only have one ds... we're having similar issues with his behaviour with his slightly younger cousin. We have also found that his toys seem to be a big trigger, and one suggestion I've had from a friend is to make a box (decorate it together, etc.) and he can put any of his toys that he wants and will fit, into the box, and no one else is allowed to play with them. The rest of the toys are fair game, and he could play with the toys from his box whenever, but you'd have to establish some sort of plan in which little sister wouldn't be getting at them when he does play (in a special place maybe?). This worked well for my friend's little one, and we haven't put it into practice yet, but I love how it gives him recognition of his personal items and also gives him control in the situation, helping to involve him in the solution rather than dictate from above. If the box of toys is full and he's concerned about another toy that is not in the box, he can have the choice of removing another toy and replacing it with the one he's worried about... I thought it was a great idea, and I'm going to try it next time ds and cousin get together.

[lurve]

okay, let me clarify the using of the doll (and the using of the doll example comes from naomi aldort and "raising our children, raising ourselves" and she is one of the most gentle people on earth!). YOU may have problems with the boy "beating" up on a doll. YOU want him to beat up on a pillow because it makes YOU more comfortable. YOU are able to think/say/believe that the pillow represents his little sister. But what if HE can't relate that the pillow is supposed to be used so that he doesn't hit his sister. if he can use the pillow, that is fine. But if he needs a doll, than that should be fine too. this is not about you, it is about HIS needs. he may need a doll to hit because he, unlike YOU, can't abstractly think that the pillow should be like his sister.

and this subject is very near and dear to my heart. i had an older brother who beat me up daily until he finally killed himself at 19. he broke my nose, ribs, etc. My parents took away his toys, locked him in his room, etc. but they never TALKED to him. they never acknowledged that is just plain old sucks to get a new sibling, especially a sibling that might be smarter, cuter, get more attention. they never approved of the way he needed to physically let go and so he never learned.

so remember, it is you who are afraid of the doll because you attached a story to "what if he hits a doll." the story you attach to hitting of the doll is that he won't be able to differentiate between the doll and his sister. or it is against our culture. or it just sounds bad. or what if someone finds out. but that is YOUR story. it is not HIS story. let go of the story and follow his lead, his needs. and open your arms to reality.

[Juvysen]

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[PGTlatte]

Lurve,

I was also physically abused by an older brother.

Regarding the doll idea.....I have heard of dolls being used this way for kids in therapy. Much better to beat up a doll. Our DS1 did really well with the couch cushions (and he *really* got into beating them for a while) but I was ready to move on to a doll if I needed to. I don't think it's a bad idea. I think acknowledging the physically aggressive feelings and helping him learn to accept himself and deal with those feelings in a non-harmful way is important. After the cushion-beating our DS1 was usually wanting to talk about his feelings and I think it helped him open them up and process them. I do remember reading the doll idea in Aldort's book.

[QUOTE=lurve;12472685]
and this subject is very near and dear to my heart. i had an older brother who beat me up daily until he finally killed himself at 19. he broke my nose, ribs, etc. /QUOTE]

[whalemilk]

I'm not OK with the doll idea. It walks right on a fine line between redirecting and putting ideas in someone's head. Besides, a lot of aggression towards siblings (at that age, and beyond even) is more about anger at the *parents* or just anger in general than it is about anger specifically towards the sibling. It's just easier and more feasible to beat up the little sister than it is to beat up mommy, daddy, or any other target.

[ShwarmaQueen]

I agree with the PP's who stated 3 yo's don't have the impulse control to stop them selves so the best solution at this stage is to keep her away from him at this point.

[MammaKoz]

Originally Posted by mama2annabelle

I could have written your post about 4 years ago. I was terrified that my 2 year old DD was going to kill her baby brother. I could NOT put him down unless I knew that DD couldn't get to him. She was horrible to him, and way beyond what I would think is typical sibling jealousy. Her behavior was crazy in all aspects of life, but intensified toward DS. We discovered that she had food allergies (dairy, wheat, artificial colors) which is where her crazy aggressive behaviors were stemming from. Once we cleared her diet of the offending foods she became a "normal" child. It was AMAZING!! She still a very intense person, but the out of control aggression is gone.

: : :


I was just coming to post the same thing. With Matty (who is now 4) he was the same up until this summer when we realized he was allergic to gluten.

I was neurotic about my kids having whole, healthy foods, but never made the connection about gluten until a friend who is an RN and works with high/special needs kids mentioned that often food allergies will show up as only behavior issues.

We cut out gluten and he is a completely different child. The difference is staggering. I too thought he was going to seriously harm Noah or someone else. He was incredibly aggressive and had no remorse either. And nothing discipline wise was working. We were totally at our wits end and I was honestly ready to have him psychologically evaluated, that is how bad it was getting.

FWIW too, his gluten allergy (aka the severe behaviour) issues didn't show up until he was about 3 or 3.5 or so.

HTH!

[LandonsMama]

Originally Posted by MammaKoz

..food allergies will show up as only behavior issues.

How would I figure out if it was a food allergy?

[PGTlatte]

I had a similar result with a food allergy - for us it was dairy in my diet that he was getting only through nursing....we eliminated it to possibly help with sensory issues and his behavior improved drastically...and the few times he had an accidental exposure he was almost psychotic for a couple days...I remember our sweet DS punching me in the face, and trying to stab me in the eyes with a fork !!!!!! Getting rid of dairy was life-changing for our household. Eggs too. And a couple years later I discovered that artificial maple flavor sets him off for a couple hours as well.

IMO the best way to find an allergen/irritant is to eliminate it completely for a few weeks and see if there is any change, then give a small amount as a test and see if there is any reaction.

It can take a while though...for our DS the dairy had to be 100% eliminated, every trace of it, for six weeks before we saw the change and it took eight weeks to see the full effects.

Our DS had aggressive behavior issues with other kids and massive tantrums before lil bro was born though. If it just started with the new sibling I would be less suspicious of food issues.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by LandonsMama

*When he is in his "tizzies" we need to keep them separated as much as possible. Here is the tough part though, how do I keep them separated and help to calm down at the same time? I can put her in a playpen but she'll scream the whole time, so that will just add to his overstimulation....

Honestly? I would put him in the playpen, not the baby. Keep the baby calm and safe because she doesn't have the ability to do that herself. He, on the other hand, is at the point where he needs to learn to calm himself down. You can phrase this as keeping everyone safe while he calms down if you don't want to term it as a time out.

[roostery]

I went through this last year when DD1 was 3. I really hated it because I couldn't go to the bathroom, or wash my hands or look away without having DD1 do something to DD2. It's not as bad now but it still goes on.

3.5 is a really difficult age for some children. It certainly was for my eldest, and, as a pp said, they have no impulse control and very little judgment. I realized that when our family was sitting in a car on a ferry and DD said cheerfully from her carseat 'lets throw the baby into the water!' If she could have done it right then, she would have.

Another problem that you might be having is that your child is very verbal. So is my daughter, and I find that it continually makes me fall into the trap of assuming that she has a lot more self-control and judgment than she actually does. Just because they can have a nice conversation with you about what they just did doesn't mean that they actually understand what we're trying to convey or that they can control their impulses.

Have you read 'Your Three year old' by Ames? It give a nice description of what is normal for a three year old. If your son is advanced you might want to check out the 'Your Four Year Old' book as well. It might apply to him. What really helped me with these books is knowing that what DD was doing was normal for her age. Kind of like knowing that the reason I'm acting like a crazy person is PMS, just knowing that my child is doing something normal for her age makes it a little easier to deal with.

[MamaMamaMama!]

Similar story with food allergies here, too. It's truly amazing what a difference it can make in behavior. Our problems were gluten, dairy, and corn. It's hard to imagine eating without these foods in the beginning but after you get used to what you can and can't eat it's fine.

[kkeake]

i have been following this thread closely - my son (age 5) is not as overtly aggressive with his baby sister as the OP's is, but more secretive about it, or deliberate, which in a way is a bit scarier to me. my mom was watching the kids the other day and was busy in the kitchen while they were eating lunch and looked over to see him very calmly and deliberately repeatedly poking the baby (9 mos.) in the arm with a toothpick. then a bit later she noticed her squirming uncomfortably in her highchair and discovered my son behind her digging his chin into the soft spot between her shoulder blades.

this stuff scares me. my husband feels guilt about it because he thinks he's been too rough with him and he is acting it out on his sister. i don't think that's what it is. while there are times i think my husband is too rough (grabbing him under the arms and hauling him off to bed, forceably making him sit, etc.), this seems different to me, because my son doesn't seem to be lashing out in anger. i can't put my finger on it, but it does really bother me.

would love more ideas on how to handle this. i tried to talk to him about it, saying that the baby won't want to be around him if he is hurting her, and that would be sad, because i know he adores her, but all he said was, " i don't want to think about that, because if i don't think about it, i will forget it." so he's obviously uncomfortable with it too and feels some remorse.

[mrsfatty]

You have to watch your reaction, as well. There's a fine line between setting boundaries ("we do not hit/push/etc.") and feeding negative attention seeking behavior. Honestly, it sounds like you give him MORE attention for hurting than for being nice.

I agree with Evan&Anna's_Mom--I'd put HIM in the playpen and give TONS of attention to the baby, but in a constructive way (using some of the "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" methods), "Oh baby, are you ok? Does your head hurt? Owie! I'm sorry that brother hurt you. He forgot the rules that we never hurt anyone. Let me kiss your owie and make it all better!"

And your son will see and hear this--and know that he won't be getting attention and "help" to calm down OVER the well-being of his little sibling. I'm not saying that you can't help him calm down, either, but I suggest you do it differently than before. You can be in the same room (holding and caring for baby) and encourage your child to calm down and take a deep breath or hand him a sippy or a glass of water--but, as cruel as this sounds--I wouldn't give physical affection until after the tantrum (because of his age, and it just seems like he's looking for your attention exclusively)--because if you do, that will encourage the behavior. Rewarding bad behavior is not good. You can encourage him to have the tantrum, "it's ok to cry. It's ok to be upset. It's ok to be mad. Please remember we don't hit. It sounds like you're frustrated. Will you take a deep breath for mama, please? Would you like a kleenex for your tears? When you're ready to play gently with your sister, you may ask to get out. Mama loves you. It's ok."

Make an effort (like you said you were going to) spend INDIVIDUAL TIME with him (both you and your spouse should strive for a little personal time with JUST HIM every day). Make an effort to acknowledge when he's playing with the baby nicely. Show him how to play with the baby nicely.

Good luck.