Dp lives in La-La Land! Vent

[darien]

In the past week, dp has bought himself a new computer monitor and accessories, received a package of something (don't know what, but I can guess it's NOT something necessary), and bought 2 new release movies. He just buys stuff with no thought! Worse yet, a week like last week is his idea of "cutting back" on his spending!

If he was using his brain, he wouldn't have bought any of that stuff, because:

--We have NO savings.
--We have 2 dc and NO college fund.
--He has a tiny retirement fund, and I have NOTHING.
--My ft job ended, and I am working a low-paying pt job right now. In other words-- we're not making ends meet!
--He owes over $25,000 on his personal credit cards,
and,
--WE'RE IN A FREAKING RECESSION!

[mamamelia]

[vannienicole]

[LittleBirdy]

I know it's difficult, but I think with these things your DP will need to have his own "ah ha" moment or bottom before he can really change. Maybe you can find a way to *show* him what the consequences are, rather than telling him? Good luck.

[darien]

Originally Posted by LittleBirdy

I know it's difficult, but I think with these things your DP will need to have his own "ah ha" moment or bottom before he can really change. Maybe you can find a way to *show* him what the consequences are, rather than telling him? Good luck.

I've tried. He's already seen the consequences-- we filed for bankruptcy a decade ago.

Maybe he thinks since the last bankruptcy's off his credit report now, he should try for another one. :

[kijip]

Originally Posted by darien

I've tried. He's already seen the consequences-- we filed for bankruptcy a decade ago.

Maybe he thinks since the last bankruptcy's off his credit report now, he should try for another one. :

That is hard. Credit card companies actually were targeting people for credit cards who had a bankruptcy record because "they have a taste for credit". I think this underscores that for many bankruptcy is not the turning point- it does not solve the root problem for certain types of spenders.

[laohaire]

So what does he say about it when you talk to him about it? I mean, does he not think $5 here, $10 there is a big deal? Or does he just say "I'll do better next week"? Does he feel he "works hard" and thus "deserves" the stuff? Does he agree it's a problem but just not know how to deal with it?

Would he agree to surrender his credit cards and debit cards to you, and just get weekly "mad money" (in cash) to spend?

[sanguine_speed]

Is it possible to hire third party 'expert' advice? I'm sure your advice is excellent advice, but sometimes an outsider somehow holds more credibility with some people.



and yet as I write it I already feel that it won't really work for you guys. It sounds like he *knows*. The issue is somewhere else. This may be something far bigger between you and I hope you can overcome it.

[Mallori]

He needs a nice wake-up call. I just could not live like that, the stress would do me in.

[Denvergirlie]

Sounds like you two have different goals for the future, you need to get on the same page to have any type of a "peaceful" future between the two of you. (Sounds like you are not even reading the same "book", much less on the same page)

Sounds like your goals are to have enough money to pay the bills, get out of debt and save for college education for your children. I would assume you want some retirement savings as well? Unless you are just banking on social security to provide for you.

From the information that you have provided it does not sound like your partner has the same goals in life. Do you know what his goals are for the future? Does he have a plan on how he will accomplish these goals or are they in fact just dreams.

Dreams can come true, but one has to have a plan and then act on that plan or those dreams will most likely just remain to be a dream and more than likely will never occur in reality. (winning lottery, long lost dead uncle inheritance, etc aside of course)

Have you talked with him about this? How it makes you feel? Not with anger or pointing fingers, but just a discussion.

[Tilia]

Do you guys have a good public library? We have a great one with tons of DVDs that you can check out for a week for FREE! I go once a week and get a couple for DD and some for me.

Would he sit down with you to go over the new budget since your job change?

[mtm]

I'm sorry, its frustrating when you're working hard and the other partner is not on board. Have you tried a written budget. What excited my dh was seeing that once our debt was paid off we could save for a vacation he reawlly wants to take.

[darien]

I've talked with him so many times, but he won't really talk back. I didn't even know he was using his cc's so much until last year. Heck-- I didn't even know he had so many cc's! I read him the riot act about it at the time, and he promised to stop racking up debt. For some reason, I trusted him.

He has virtually stopped using his cc's, but he owes so much, I don't know how they'll ever get paid. He's been paying the minimums. He doesn't budget or economize at all with what little is left of his paycheck after bills. He buys himself "toys." He buys cigarettes, coffee and pricey beer. : He does work hard, and I don't think he should have to live like a monk, but come on! I guess he does feel entitled to spend as he pleases.

He doesn't want to have a budget, and if we wrote one up, he wouldn't stick to it. Our finances are somewhat separate-- our names are on each others' checking accounts, but he pays certain bills, I pay others. He has no need to "check up" on me, and I had assumed I didn't need to monitor him. When I had extra, I saved it, or used it for extra expenses like holiday gifts.

We're already on the edge of divorce for other reasons. I'm not looking forward to talking about money (AGAIN), but it has to be done.

[Satori]

Originally Posted by darien

We're already on the edge of divorce for other reasons. I'm not looking forward to talking about money (AGAIN), but it has to be done.

The cards may be in his name but as far as I know DC is a community property state so you BOTH owe $25,000 and if you divorce, guess who gets to pay half? Its time to rein him in big time if he can't act like a responsible adult.

[dovergirl]

Could you explain to dh that you feel like his toys are more important than his family when he spends this way? Clearly he has some issues with $, it's not that he doesn't know this, it's that he doesn't want to dig deep and address the problem. Another bankruptcy would be a deal-breaker for me, personally. Maybe the best plan would be to work towards a goal, ie. early retirement or mortgage free or something. Dave Ramsey can be very motivating - would your dh read the book or watch the dvd's? We were very motivated by The Millionaire Next Door - it really opened my husband's eyes to what is possible. Good Luck.

[EFmom]

Dave Ramsey can be very motivating - would your dh read the book or watch the dvd's? We were very motivated by The Millionaire Next Door - it really opened my husband's eyes to what is possible. Good Luck.

This sounds like a very good idea. I think I'd try to find one of those Dave Ramsey Financial Peace things to drag him to. I'm not a big DR supporter, just because we have never been debt people, but it sounds to me like it can be hugely motivational for a lot of people.

[AuntNi]

Originally Posted by EFmom

This sounds like a very good idea. I think I'd try to find one of those Dave Ramsey Financial Peace things to drag him to. I'm not a big DR supporter, just because we have never been debt people, but it sounds to me like it can be hugely motivational for a lot of people.

I'm not a big DR fan, either, but I've heard that men really like him.

DH and I don't disagree to the point of the OP and her DH. But I'm gearing up to have a serious discussion with him about cutting back now that I've been laid off. WHY does he think 200 cable channels is in the Constitution, somewhere with, "life, liberty, pursuit of happiness, and 200 cable channels??" :

[darien]

Originally Posted by Satori

The cards may be in his name but as far as I know DC is a community property state so you BOTH owe $25,000 and if you divorce, guess who gets to pay half? Its time to rein him in big time if he can't act like a responsible adult.

Yeah, I know I'm responsible for his debts.

How can I rein him in though, if he won't cooperate? I've told him very clearly, many times, exactly what I feel about his spending, and what needs to be done. He doesn't comply.

I could leave him-- I may leave him, for many reasons. But, the dc and I would be even more screwed.

I could take his cc's, but he could still use them online, which is where he does most of his buying, anyway.

I've tried to get him to budget, read books about debt, etc. He won't.

[sanguine_speed]

Originally Posted by darien

Yeah, I know I'm responsible for his debts.

How can I rein him in though, if he won't cooperate? I've told him very clearly, many times, exactly what I feel about his spending, and what needs to be done. He doesn't comply.

I could leave him-- I may leave him, for many reasons. But, the dc and I would be even more screwed.

I could take his cc's, but he could still use them online, which is where he does most of his buying, anyway.

I've tried to get him to budget, read books about debt, etc. He won't.

I'm sorry that you're responsible for his debts. I'm grateful it doesn't work that way here.

My perspective here is that you cannot make him do anything, he's proven beyond all proving that he will not change. He is only going to make the situation worse. If you are staying so that you can try to avoid taking on all that debt, staying longer is only going to add to what you owe when you leave later. It sounds pretty bad.

I'm so sorry.

[Ola_]

Have you considered counselling, and would he go? I think this goes beyond finances - he is keeping secrets from you and disregarding the future well-being of his family. I think some help may be in oder. And a lot of times the men who don't listen to what you say will pay attention to a third party saying the same things.