My kids are 6 and 2. They can be very loving with each other and they do choose to play together frequently. Unfortunately this seems to end in fighting a lot of the time, and I'm not sure I'm doing a very good job refereeing it.
It tends to go something like this: 6yo could be described as "inflexible-explosive," tends to have very rigid expectations of situations and locks in on them. For example, if they were playing with matchbox cars and made a pretend race track, he could not bear to watch 2yo use a toy garbage truck to race, or a VW, or a station wagon, because only race cars race. And nothing I could say would be at all likely to convince him to bend on this. He will try to block 2yo with his body, or grab the toy out of his hand, all the while getting shriller and more hysterical about whatever "rule" he is stuck on. I can be right there, with my hands on 6yo's body, talking (or shouting) right into his ear, and he does not show any sign of hearing me. At times, 2yo could probably even be persuaded to do things 6yo's way, but 6yo gives precious little opportunity or space for me to try to mediate this, he just progresses immediately to meltdown.
And eventually, 2yo, big for his age, strong, and physical, gets frustrated and hits him (or kicks, scratches, bites.)
I have tried removing 6yo from the situation when he starts to freak out. He really just freaks out more, and can get really aggressive with me. I have learned that on some level he cannot just disengage and/or calm himself. We do talk, at more neutral times, about how it is not fair or reasonable for him to control how others choose to play, and about how his brother is little and will not be able to understand all the complicated things a 6yo knows.
I have tried removing 2yo to engage him in something else, but it seems unfair to 2yo, and generally 6yo follows us anyway and soon enough they're locked in the same kind of struggle over something else.
When I'm at the end of my rope, I just confiscate whatever they're fighting over and let them both be mad at me.
It doesn't seem to matter whether I'm engaged in the play, or across the house doing my own stuff. It goes down more or less the same way. 6yo does sometimes have similar issues with kids closer to his own age, but it isn't nearly as frequent or intense.
So, please, any advice? I hope I've described it clearly enough. I really don't know what I ought to be doing here.
It tends to go something like this: 6yo could be described as "inflexible-explosive," tends to have very rigid expectations of situations and locks in on them. For example, if they were playing with matchbox cars and made a pretend race track, he could not bear to watch 2yo use a toy garbage truck to race, or a VW, or a station wagon, because only race cars race. And nothing I could say would be at all likely to convince him to bend on this. He will try to block 2yo with his body, or grab the toy out of his hand, all the while getting shriller and more hysterical about whatever "rule" he is stuck on. I can be right there, with my hands on 6yo's body, talking (or shouting) right into his ear, and he does not show any sign of hearing me. At times, 2yo could probably even be persuaded to do things 6yo's way, but 6yo gives precious little opportunity or space for me to try to mediate this, he just progresses immediately to meltdown.
And eventually, 2yo, big for his age, strong, and physical, gets frustrated and hits him (or kicks, scratches, bites.)
I have tried removing 6yo from the situation when he starts to freak out. He really just freaks out more, and can get really aggressive with me. I have learned that on some level he cannot just disengage and/or calm himself. We do talk, at more neutral times, about how it is not fair or reasonable for him to control how others choose to play, and about how his brother is little and will not be able to understand all the complicated things a 6yo knows.
I have tried removing 2yo to engage him in something else, but it seems unfair to 2yo, and generally 6yo follows us anyway and soon enough they're locked in the same kind of struggle over something else.
When I'm at the end of my rope, I just confiscate whatever they're fighting over and let them both be mad at me.
It doesn't seem to matter whether I'm engaged in the play, or across the house doing my own stuff. It goes down more or less the same way. 6yo does sometimes have similar issues with kids closer to his own age, but it isn't nearly as frequent or intense.
So, please, any advice? I hope I've described it clearly enough. I really don't know what I ought to be doing here.
