Step-parenting and paying for college - Page 2

[pinksprklybarefoot]

No advice from me. I know I will be footing the bill for my DSD's education because I should be done with school and the breadwinner by that time. But I'll have been in her life for 16 years at that point, and DH and I don't keep separate finances, so I have no problem paying for her college. DH and I are going into it expecting that her mom won't pay for any of it, so it will be us and student loans.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Originally Posted by mommyto3girls

Someone at the college should have filed the proper independant paperwork for you. As long as you were not getting medical insurance from a parent, your own taxes and proof of rent would have qualified you. I used to work in admissions at the University here and we were able to work with the FA office to do this for quite a few people

I tried this when I went and they gave me a form, and the only way to qualify for independence was to be a veteran in the army, be married, or have a child... I had none of the above at the time, and was 22 so had to get my parents info. They didn't care that my parents weren't giving me a dime. Most colleges say if they didn't have guidelines then all students would be trying to claim independence and get more aide.

The system is BAD.

[courtenay_e]

Honestly? I went to a smaller state school in your state, and got full ride on a LEADERSHIP scholarship. They only marginally looked at my grades, more at my community involvement. I sat in on several "identical" classes at UofM and State, and BOY, was I getting a better education!!!! I would very emphatically suggest that she look at the smaller state colleges, even if it's only for the first two years, or yes, even at the community college in your area for the pre-recs for the major she plans to delcare. She will get EASILY as good an education, and she can still GRADUATE from the larger school later on (and pay two or three times the credit hours while she does it, all for the name). And quite honestly...if she has a history of substance abuse in the family, I would also strongly STRONGLY suggest that she stay home the first two years, just to gain that little bit of maturity that comes with the extra years under her belt. Both State and UofM have huge party scenes. I was not a drinker, was always the DD for my friends, but honestly saw things that would have curled my mother's toes...because we have STRONG levels of substance abuse in our family. That's just a personal aside and I know it wasn't asked for, so forgive me if I've overstepped.

What I would do is this: sit down and figure out how much total you can afford to give her a year. Do the homework and figure out how much two years would cost at the community college, how much it would cost at a smaller university, and how much it would cost at the large university. Then show her how much you can help, the interest on school loans, and how much she'd be paying a month if she went to each school. Sometimes the stark reality of it all does a lot to help her decide where to go. I would also look at the cost of books for the classes she wants to take the first few years at the big university and the community college...It isn't "fun" to say you're going to the smaller less "prestigious" school...but it sure is a heck of a lot easier on the other end of the four or five years of school!!

I had really great grades in college, and almost transferred to UofM half way through, with a scholarship...but then realized that my education was actually better (real professors teaching ALL the classes, even the large ones) where I WAS.

Good luck.

[aricha]

If you want to help with the cost but don't want to foot the bill up front, you could just take responsibility for all or part of repayment of her student loans. You won't get the tax break for the interest on the loans (she will), and ultimately she would still be responsible for them should you decide not to. You can set it up as an automatic monthly payment so you don't have to worry about giving money to her to pay for them each month.

[StillForest]

Wow! Thanks everyone! Very helpful.

I've got all the costs for a range of colleges that she/I would like her to consider entered into an Excel spreadsheet. It's just so incredibly hard to know what kind of offers she's going to get/I'll be able to negotiate from the small liberal arts colleges. My friends' and my own experience years ago underscore just how varied these offers can be....even for institutions having very comparable total costs. I'm just going to continue my range of selectivity and range of costs application approach. She's increasingly receptive...we were both totally freaked out by an early estimate of expected family contribution (EFC) that we received from one small liberal arts college late last week. Yikes!

DSD knows exactly how I feel about the typical undergrad experience at U of M. While I didn't do my undergrad degree there, I'm currently affiliated and have seen just what this experience can look like. To her credit, she only wants to go if she gets into the residential college program. I fear that she'd get totally lost in the crowds otherwise. U of M is also totally awful vis a vis undergrad financial aid of any kind (unless you're going into something like engineering and have excellent scores and grades).

I've been encouraging her to look more closely at Michigan's other public universities. She's finally more receptive to the idea of looking at Grand Valley State and a couple of others. I'm going to keep pushing this. I agree that she'd have a better experience there than at U of M or MSU.

The other missing piece in our college financial equation is probable help from her maternal grandfather (DXW's Dad). She's the only grandchild and he's a retired college professor and is committed to helping her...we just have absolutely no idea of how much to expect. He actually started discussing this with me during a visit several months ago and abruptly stopped the conversation when DSD and DH joined us. He did tell me that he's not comfortable discussing this with either DH or DXW (sigh...). I thoroughly dislike the triangulation/secrecy so must admit that I haven't tried to pursue this conversation with him again (he lives several hours away). I think I need to bite the bullet and go down with DSD for a visit and conversation. Ironically, I have an exceptionally good relationship with dear father of ex-wife (DXFIL??).

Thanks again for all of the responses. I feel much better. This is such a tough time to be applying to college.

[emilysmama]

Originally Posted by courtenay_e

Honestly? I went to a smaller state school in your state, and got full ride on a LEADERSHIP scholarship. They only marginally looked at my grades, more at my community involvement. I sat in on several "identical" classes at UofM and State, and BOY, was I getting a better education!!!!

I second the suggestion very strongly. I am a professor of one of those small state schools, and I went to grad school at U of M. (Hint: We have a strong football rivalry with GVSU.) Your daughter can get a better education at a small state school than at U of M. It all depends on what she makes of herself, and she sounds like an exceptionally strong young woman. I've had many students tell me that they went to U of M or MSU, and they didn't like it, so they transferred here and they liked it much better. One student complained of enormous class sizes and never got to meet their professors at the big university, and these are very good students. Our dorms are probably the nicest in the state. (I'm certain that GVSU, which also has recently experienced an equally amazing expansion, has very nice facilities and fun dorm life.) Please encourage your daughter to at least visit the smaller state schools. To be honest, it's graduate school where the name of the school really matters (not undergrad), and undergraduates from our small state schools get so much individualized attention from their professors, that their professors are able to write very knowlegeable letters of reference. So undergrads at the small state schools do very well in graduate school later on, should they wish to pursue advanced degrees.

[Flor]

I also went to a small private liberal arts school and with their aid package, I paid sooo much less than friends that went to state schools. Basically I had one stafford loan a year, and that's it. I had decent grades, but not amazing grades.

It's crazy to think about all the things I'm not supposed to do as the stepparent, and my income isn't counted for him in child support issues, but I've also heard that colleges look at the custodial household income and I'm the "breadwinner."

[Smithie]

It sounds to me like you're doing all the right things - making a spreadsheet, planning a talk with EXFIL. You can't know until all the letters are in what your starting point truly is, and then you need to to go talk to a financial aid counselor in person and explain your situation. You won't get them to change their income-calculating policy, but you can probably get them to arrange a loan package for your dsd that reflects a EFC based only on her father's salary. I had some friends who went through this with dadbeat biodads who refused to contribute anything to their college, and they did not have any problem getting extra loans (although nothing, including "I haven't seen that jerk for 16 years and I hope I never do again," would persuade them not to include that income in their initial calculations). It may be that dsd can get loans to cover tuition and housing, and then EXFIL can contribute to the other expenses (books, phone bill, travel, etc.), and you and dh can work on getting yourself in a position to help pay back those loans once dsd garduates.

Also, will your dh's financial commitment to his ex end when dsd turns 18? If not, can he appeal the current amount you pay since his income has been drastically reduced by the economic downturn? Obviously, whatever extra money you have beyond your own living expenses should be going to help dsd (or save for your retirement, or save for future kids' college expenses), not to support your husband's ex.

[Ahappymel]

Financial Aid Counselor, here : )

Hi, I am a Financial Aid Counselor : )
If you want to pm me, I'll answer your questions to the best of my ability.

[Ahappymel]

Originally Posted by mommyto3girls

Someone at the college should have filed the proper independant paperwork for you. As long as you were not getting medical insurance from a parent, your own taxes and proof of rent would have qualified you. I used to work in admissions at the University here and we were able to work with the FA office to do this for quite a few people

Oh by the way....this is no longer the case...dependency status standards are totally different now.
In regards to who reports what info to the school...it depends on if a student is going to a private institution that uses the PROFILE application versus a public school that only uses the FAFSA.
I can answer questions if you pm me.

[boobybunny]

Originally Posted by StillForest

Ha Ha.... DH proposed to me when I needed major dental work and had no dental insurance (he's a romantic guy ). Maybe we'lll divorce so that DSD can go to college without incurring 50k+ or more in debt.... Marry for health insurance, divorce for tuition and board...Life in the US in 2008...Sigh... Time for Change.

I have nothing constructive to add to this other than us too. Married for health insurance.. if hubby loses his job, we will divorce and both go back to school..each claiming a portion of our children as dependants.


It is seriously time for change. When I finished my degree, I was able to pay for school, living and a touch of play just by waiting tables, bar tending, babysitting and the like. Just 10 years later, the costs of the university are such that you can not make min. wage and pay for tuition... let alone tuition and living AND BOOKS.

[MariesMama]

I agree with the suggestions of doing two years at a CC and then transferring. I wish I had done just that, instead of insisting on going to *insert green and white MI school here* and then changing my major umpteen million times. Getting those prereqs out of the way for a fraction of the price would have saved me so much time and money. Also, I had some friends that went to Dearborn and then transferred after two years; they did fabulously once they got to the real deal. Either way you save time and money.

Also - I had same dilemma with financial aid and stepparent contribution. There is no way to get around it. Loans suck, but they're not the end of the world. Don't overextend yourself. Remember that she can take loans for school but nobody is going to loan you money for your retirement.

[Jenn A]

Hi,
I wish you much luck!
My 19 yo son graduated last spring,he lives with me and his dsd in KY.His bio dad claimed him on his taxes in Indiana but when he filled out his fin. aid papers they took my dh (his step dad's) income and mine.In which case he didn't qualify for jack squat! It really irritated me because my dh isn't really responsible for putting my kids through college.That is my and his dad's responsibility.If they had just taken my income and/or his dad's it would've been fine but my dh makes too much for him to get any aid,which isn't that much!
It is just so frustrating.

All through high school he said he was going to go to school to be an engineer but he has changed his mind and is going to be an RN.Shocked me to death,he never ever showed interest in that! LOL...
I am glad for him,though.
He'll be ok but it would've been easier if he could get some fin aid!

have a great night.
Jenn

PS....My dh has no problem helping my kids through college,that is no problem at all.

[hotmamacita]

http://www.usnews.com/usnews/biztech...910/18free.htm

Encourage her to apply to the Ivies and other schools with great financial assistance.

[mamadebug]

If your DSD wants to go to a four year university right away, you guys will find a way - with a lot of research and nail biting! Looking at my financial situation at the end of high school, and that of my divorced parents, it would have looked impossible for me to go away to school. It was really important to me, so we made it work - I even did a semester abroad. For some people it is better to go to a four year university, and for some it works better to go to a community college for 2 years first. It sounds totally idealistic, and isn't always practical, but it would be so great for her to choose which path is best for her without having to let finances be the decision maker. I did graduate with a lot of student loans, and while I would love to not have the debt, I wouldn't do it differently if I was doing it again. I am so glad for the experiences I had - it was well worth it! A financial aid counselor should be able to offer a lot of guidance. I had a year that I didn't think I was going to be able to go back to school after the summer because I couldn't afford it. I wrote an appeal to the financial aid office explaining everything, and I got an extra $8,000 in grant money. This was at a small private school, but there was room for explaining individual situations. It is scary at first, but you guys will make it work.

[KaraBoo]

Lots of good advice here on financial aid.

Is this really a "step-child" issue, though? If this were your bio child, would this be an issue? You'd just say, No, let's get you some aid or loans. Right?

I have three step-children who are now all over 21. We gave them a monthly stipend to spend either on uni or whatever they needed. They all worked and also had their mom help pay as well. One graduated and is now back in school studing nursing. He got a loan for that.

[KayTeeJay]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

Community college for the first two years and living at home should let her graduate with only a slightly nauseating amount of student loans. As expensive as University has gotten I can't see a good reason not to do Community college for as many credits as possible.

I agree with this. I had scholarships and Pell grants, but I still wish I had done CC for at least a year to cut down on the amount of loans I have.

[lalaland42]

Have you tried scholarships.com? They will take her info and spit out a list of scholarships she can apply for. GL

[Romana]

Getting financial aid is very difficult because the schools and government want to be absolutely sure that the parents are paying whatever they can (and plenty more than they can pay). My parents were told that they should take out a second mortgage on their home to pay for my college/my brother's college because that was their only (and I mean ONLY!) asset. They did it, although later realized they should have just gotten loans because the interest rates on the student loans would have been lower.

My dh never finished college because his stepfather refused to fill out the financial aid forms and despite promising to pay for his college if he continued to live at home (the deal his mom wanted), backed out and didn't pay. My dh had saved up $10k in high school by working three jobs and he paid for his first year, but couldn't continue thereafter. He was never able to go back; now we have 2 kids and he's a SAHD so who knows when/if he'll ever get a college degree. He loves being a SAHD but would like to have a college degree and something to fall back on were anything to happen to me.

Please help your stepdaughter through this really tricky situation and go with her to see financial aid officers. I think that most likely there's a way for her to go to college, but it might mean some financial contribution from you (perhaps you could make a private loan agreement with her with more generous repayment terms than she would otherwise receive?) and unfortunately it may mean a couple of years at community college. I know there are some great community colleges out there - we have one near us - but for most good students hoping to go to a four-year college, spending two years at a community college and living at home out of financial necessity would be a disappointment, I would think.

I hope she's accepted to a number of colleges and someone offers her a financial aid package that you can all live with. Good luck!

[MamaChel]

Look into colleges that participate in Michigan Campus Compact--they provide some resources for student leaders as well as great professional development opportunities for college students. Often schools, even smaller private schools will have unspecified scholarships available that are based on performance at the school. Even a small amount will help. Also have her check with the student support services office of whatever school she chooses for any other resources they may have.