How does dc's school support kindergarten transitions?

[theresal]

My ds has been having great difficulty transitioning to public school kindergarten. We are meeting with the principal this week as a last ditch effort to see if anything else can be done to support him.

I am curious to see what strategies other schools employ to facilitate transitioning for kids who are having separation issues.

Things our school has NOT allowed so far:
- me staying for a transition period in the classroom
- me walking ds to his seat or to his classroom door
- me sitting in the hall while ds adjusts
- me volunteering up at school so that ds would know I am near
- ds being in the same class as his twin

Things our school supports:
- telling ds he HAS to go to school and that mommy is not allowed to stay
- offering stickers and prizes for not missing mommy, for not crying, for going to class
- having the SW bring us to her office first if ds hasn't gone in on his own, and then have the SW bring him to class and stay with him in class till he adjusts (if her schedule permits)
- letting ds go home for lunch
- (more recently) letting ds attend school mornings only
- peeling crying kids off parents (we do not allow this)

I appreciate hearing how other schools do this.

Thanks,
Theresa

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

We don't have this issue often at school, but then its a private school that has a flat admissions policy that they won't take a child for K that hasn't been to at least 1 year of preschool. They also don't take K students who aren't at least 5 and they prefer closer to 6. That tends to eliminate many issues because this isn't the child's first separation experience.

Parents may walk children of any age into their classrooms. Parents may volunteer at the school, but its generally only encouraged for special occassions. Parents may not just stay in the classroom without helping because its a distraction -- I'm not sure how they would feel about parents staying in the hall.

We only have 1 class per grade so twins are automatically together. Of course, that also means there is no recourse if there is a personality mis-match between teacher and child or between two kids in the same classroom.

Luckily, with 4 teachers/aides in the classroom, a child who is feeling very sad/lonely would probably get one-on-one attention from an aide until they were doing better. They would also take a child who was really having trouble to the library for some quiet one-on-one time and attention from a member of the staff and to pet the school dog.

I know we went through stages of this in preschool. As hard as it is, I think it really does make sense to do the quick, cheerful, confident goodbye and let the teachers take it from there. Staying really does just prolong the agony, I think, as well as being a major distraction for other children. But I always knew that someone would hold and cuddle my child until they were OK and ready to play.

[Zach'smom]

All the things your school has not allowed our PS allowed.

[CarrieMF]

Things our school has NOT allowed so far:
- me staying for a transition period in the classroom
- me walking ds to his seat or to his classroom door
- me sitting in the hall while ds adjusts
- me volunteering up at school so that ds would know I am near
- ds being in the same class as his twin

Our school does all of this. Though you wouldn't be just volunteering in the school but in his class.

Our school strongly INSISTS twins stay in the same class in kindergarten specifically to help the transition.

There is 1 little boy in kindergarten who had a rough transition, lunch was the hardest for him. He'd cry & cry. I'd let him walk around with me at lunch. They tried having mom send a note with the time on it to when mom would pick up him(I actually found this odd as in K they don't know how to tell time,lol). She'd send in a happy smile face. They ended up having mom pick him up at lunch & bring him back before the bell rang. The 2nd half of his day went alot better. In the last 1-2 weeks she's been bringing him back earlier & getting him outside to play & she'll start to transition to leaving him to play & then trying having him stay at lunch again.

Honestly the best thing your school could do is put him with his twin. I'm guessing the other twin is the dominant twin. I'd go to the school board over this one & request that he be put in the same class as the other.

[straighthaircurly]

My child would not go to that school. For the school to not trust the parent in terms of what is going to help the child adjust the fastest is ridiculous IMO. My DS teacher has welcomed me in the classroom. DS went to K on his own the 1st day knowing that I would come have lunch with him. I helped on the playground at recess that day too because so many kids were overwhelmed and just needed a hand to hold sometimes. I went back 2 days later, had lunch and when DS asked if I could stay the rest of the day, I did. I started going once a week to help in the classroom. The teacher has welcomed my help in the room and has asked for my input when things were rough for my DS in certain situations as he adjusted to K. She has set good boundaries for my DS when I come. He can come give me a hug when I arrive but then he needs to do his "job" in the classroom. His seating has been changed to sit near me at library time as long as he does not flop in my lap and is till able to do his listening.

My DH still has horrid memories of being abandoned in K with no understanding of what it was all about. He cried for days and never ever developed a love for school. In contrast DS has felt supported, he has been given strong guidance by me and his teacher as a team. So even though everyday the first week he told his teacher he was never coming back because K was TOO HARD, I was able to cajol him back each day without tears or fighting and after 1.5 weeks he started to love it.

When you meet with the school you need to have an organized plan for what you feel will best help your child adjust. Remind them that each child is different and that what works best for most is not going to work for your child because of .... (put reasons here). Even if your plan goes against their rules, if you feel it is in the best interest of your child then you need to argue for it. It helps if you can give examples of other activities where he has had trouble adjusting but your techniques worked.

In my case I knew from preschool and sports activities that my son needs a more gradual transition from me. If that is allowed to happen then he very quickly becomes one of the most independent and confident kids in the class. If it isn't allowed to happen then he becomes an angry, somewhat violent child who will not speak to his teacher. Unfortunately for you, it will probably take longer to help him adjust now than it would have if they had taken his needs into account at the beginning.

Question...I am guessing their methods have not been working and that things are not improving for your DS...am I correct? If that is the case then I would just call them on that.."Sorry but your methods are not working for my child. While I respect that they might work for most children, it is not successful in this situation. You are just creating more stress than is healthy for my child and I expect us to come up with some solutions that will work even if they don't fit your rules." Definitely push for him to be in the same class as his twin. Most schools I know allow the parent to decide whether their twins should be together or apart at this age.

I will be thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way in your struggle to get them to listen and respect you and your DC.

[jazzharmony]

In my experience most schools believe in the "rip the bandaid off" method and it takes some doing to get them to budge on that. It is worth fighting for. For our children, there was no choice. We know our children, what their needs are and what our values are. Our oldest child needed our help to transition into pre-k and so his dad stayed in the classroom for 3 weeks. There was resistance, not from the teacher, but from the director. We did what we needed to do and after those 3 weeks, he needed no help from us. He is now in 2nd grade. Our daughter has needed quite a bit of help this year with her transition. We now attend a very progressive, small independent school and oddly, the school is %100 behind us but the 2 pre-k teachers just speak an entirely different language when it comes to what is best for our children. We just continue to explain our position *while* doing what we need to do. There is no other way. I was in the classroom for a few days, then in the hallway for about 2 weeks and now I am in the library. Things are going wonderfully for my daughter and she loves school. Without trauma, she will continue to love it.

I would fight for what you feel is best for your children. Explain your position firmly and proceed with what you think is best.

ETA - I just reread your question and I see that you are asking about Kindergarten transitions. At our current school, the 2 k teachers are wonderful and support parents in what they feel is best for their children in terms of transition (the pre-k teachers have a different "philosophy" but that hasn't stopped us from doing right by our daughter) My son went to a public kindergarten and they wanted you to drop kids at the door and pick up at the door. Very non-family friendly and not very respectful of the individual child's needs. Our son did fine with the transition but hated going to that school. I am sure that they would not have supported our staying in the classroom but I would have insisted or pulled him out. Thankfully, we were able to switch schools.