Handling the perfectionist child

[amcal]

My 6yo (1st grade) DD is a perfectionist. She's also fairly bright so up to this point, school has been fairly easy for her. I know that will change as the school year goes along and she'll have to work a lot harder than she is but, up to now, it's all come pretty easy to her.

She gets a new spelling list every friday and is tested the following Thursday. Up to this point, she's not even had to look at the sheet. I just take the sheet, give her the words and she spells them 100% correctly the first time.

Well, she got her sheet on Friday and we were practicing today and the words are getting harder. So, she struggled with a few. I handed her the word list and told her to go over them for a minute while I checked on her sister. She looked at me horrified. She said that would be cheating. Huh? We talked about how she is supposed to look at the list, read it to herself, spell the words to herself and that we would practice them together.

She insists that isn't the way it's supposed to be. She's supposed to just know the words, I need to just test her and if she misses any then I'll correct it and she'll get it 100% correct the next time.

She absolutely could not understand the concept of studying. She thinks she must just know everything the first time and if she doesn't then she's not 100%.

I have no idea where she gets this idea. I know it's not from her teacher (I did call and talk to the teacher who said not way, she is clear that those lists are for studying and practicing before the test). She doesn't get this at home - we always praise for trying, not necessarily for the grade etc....

Anyway, I kept trying to talk to her and she was hysterical - snot flying, gasping for air hysterical at the thought of looking at the words on the paper before I tested her.

She is so afraid of making a mistake. She is obsessive about missing a word on her spelling test. I don't know what to do. She puts this on herself. I always talk to her about what will happen if she misses a word. I ask her if anything bad has ever happened to any student in her class when they miss a word or one of the math problems etc.... she understand that nothing bad will happen but she's just so upset at the possibility of not getting 100%.

I don't know how to handle a perfectionist child. I am so not a perfectionist - DH isn't either. We're pretty laid back about this sort of thing so I'm at a loss.

[meemee]

so sorry. in the same boat myself. in a different way. we still dont have spelling tests.

here is what i did to help us somewhat. ask her teacher for help.

my dd doesnt finish her schoolwork nor does she write more in her journal because seh doesnt know the right spelling (she goes beyond the list of words they provide).

her teacher and i have been constantly working together to help her with that. i dont know what i would have done without her teachers help.

we get those sight words on stiff paper. and they are supposed to cut them and study them.

i would definitely ask the teachers help with this. perhaps she could instruct the class of what they are supposed to do with the lists. : i am imagining the teacher - giving instructions she never thought she would have to tell the class.

i have noticed my dd will accept things from the teacher that she wouldnt listen to if i said it.

in a sense she follows rules strictly and in another way she doesnt follow rules at all. if she is set in a certain way - if she believes that's the way the teacher should do it, she insists on that way.

i am also noticing my dd is starting to see the world in black and white. and i am trying my best to teach her how to deal with it. meaning i am trying to figure out how to show her the world of greys. and i am STRUUUUUUUGLING!!!! but its important to me coz it is a life skill she has to have - otherwise life is going to be sooo tough on her.

[ChristaN]

We've got three perfectionists in my family although I've gotten much better about it in my adulthood. I do clearly recall sitting at my desk crying my senior year of hs when I got a B on a calculus test -- that I hadn't studied for. It is very painful to witness as a parent, but I think that it is better to get hit with having to work to get an A when you are younger rather than late hs/college like I did.

My oldest dd, who started middle school this year, is having some anxiety this year b/c she has had a few assignments/tests that she's done not all that well on. She does have As in all of her classes, but the few low grades have just floored her. She isn't used to it. Part of dd's ALP they developed this year is to help her see mistakes as part of the learning process.

I'd agree about talking with the teacher to see if she has any hints and can work on getting dd to value mistakes in school as well. Also, might she be willing to have you write up a little story that uses all of the words on her spelling list, read it first, and then take her spelling "test" at home? That might give her some practice in looking over the words w/out feeling like "cheating" to her.

[Rose-Roget]

What if the teacher told her (or all the children) that she wants them to practice writing each of the words 5 times before mom or dad studies them with her?? That way it would make the idea of "studying" more concrete and there would be an "assignment" to go with it. Or maybe the teacher could give a mini-lesson for how to study - that's not a familiar concept for any 6 year old, perfectionist or not. If she sees a way that she is told she should specifically go about doing this task, maybe her perfectionist tendencies will help her follow those "rules" without feeling like a failure or like she's doing something wrong.

I don't know. Just a couple of ideas... Good luck.

[Periwinkle]

Have you talked to her about how you learn new things? Maybe it's just a series of conversations, books, and real-world examples of how you go from not knowing to knowing. It sounds like a developmental thing, as in just not understanding the abstract concept of how knowledge is gained and built over time.

[Girlprof]

We are already having perfectionist issues in KG. There have been a few coloring assignments which had DS in tears because they weren't "right". I have thought of talking to the teacher but I haven't done it yet.

A friend (who is also a KG teacher) suggested modeling mistakes so we are trying to do that. I will goof something up intentionally (DS does not know the mistake was on purpose) and then play up how it is no big deal. Watching him be so upset about his mistakes has really led me to examine my own (probably too high) expectations for myself and others. We also stress to him that mistakes are how you learn.

[mammastar2]

Also, encourage her to keep doing things she's not that good at, and to find something to enjoy in them. I know that's been a very hard lesson for me! I definitely drilled down as a child and teen to focusing on those things that I knew I could excel at, and getting out of the others - looking back, I wish I'd had some firm nudging to stick with and enjoy other things too. I'd be a better rounded person now, I bet.

Comment favorably on other people doing things without being the 'best' at it. For dd, it was a real eye-opener when we came across the tail end of a marathon downtown once, and she saw people cheering for folks who were coming in very far from first, and talked about how proud they must be just to finish!

I expect the scenario you described was a bit of a double whammy for her. First, she expects to be 'perfect' on the first try. Second, you raised the possibility that she had been 'wrong' about the instructions! So she got more and more adamant and upset. All that imperfection, all at once, poor kid! Keep repeating to her that nothing bad will happen if she makes a mistake, that mistakes are how learning happens, that you'll think she's awesome even if she makes mistakes, etc etc....