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I'm new here-from Minneapolis

post #1 of 11
Thread Starter 

How do other single moms in a similar situation feel about being "it".

If anyone out there can relate or has anything to say, I would be grateful!

Peace to yous,
post #2 of 11
Welcome Jess!

You bring up a subject I think about quite often - being 'it'. My daughter is 20 months old now, and while her father was active in her life between 7 months and 17 months, he no longer sees her at all. So . . . I often wonder what the future holds in terms of certain issues relating to her father's absence. Issues such as her self-esteem, self-image, behavior in relationships, etc.

I don't really WORRY about it so much as think about how responsible I will be to ensure that her emotional development continues to be healthy and positive despite the absence of an active father in her life. How I will accomplish this is something that I think about constantly.

Anyway, if I am rambling on a bit it's because it's quite late here and I really should be in bed, but couldn't resist one last peek at the Mothering boards!

again, welcome!
post #3 of 11
Welcome Jess!

Do you mean 'it' being doing enough or are enough? I am confused..:

Sounds like you are a very creative being with your gifts (including mothering)!

Hope that you find support and stimulation on these boards (as I have)

post #4 of 11
Thread Starter 
post #5 of 11
YES, YES, YES! I know exactly what you're talking about!!! DH died 16 months ago , leaving me alone with Hannah, now 5.5, and Hayden, 3.5. I'd never thought about it before, but we parented my kids primarily the way I dreamed of my kids being parented. Obviously I am still free to do that/be that kind of mom, but I had NEVER imagined doing it alone! I've often said I wish I had a recording of his voice to play from his corner of the living room saying, "Hey you guys, leave your mom alone!" There's no advocate for mom anymore. Yeah, I get lots of help ... when I ask for it. How do you ask for that "other parent perspective" when they're not my child's parent? How do you ask your family for "balance" when they doubt your sanity? My parenting choices are so different than my family's. It was easier to be part of a TEAM; Mitch took every idea he liked and made it his own (ya woulda thought his kids were the first ever breastfed babies in the world!); the ideas he didn't like, we would hash out and debate and discuss and mold to fit our family (homeschooling~he did the whole first year with Hannah's kindergarten and Hayden's preschool). Now I can make those decisions, but I wonder if I have the proper perspective to make those decisions for our FAMILY. Now that said, I am fortunate to have discussed a lot of things with Mitch before his death, so I do have a fair share of his perspective on things like homeschooling, church, our daughter's dates or lack thereof, but it's the day to day stuff that makes me miss him the most ...
post #6 of 11

It sounds like you had an absolutely wonderful husband and a great relationship. The co-parenting situation you describe is a dream come true! I'm so sorry for your loss, how lucky you were to have had the experience while you did (you may not feel lucky having lost such a terrific husband and father) . . .

It IS difficult when your parenting style differs from that of your family - mine does as well. At least we know that our beliefs and practices are legitimate and right - not only due to our own convictions but for you, from the validation and agreement you received from your husband, and for both of us - and a lot of others - from the daily confirmation we get from the mothers at Mothering that we are not alone in our parenting ideals.

It was really inspirational for me to read your post about the wonderful parenting partnership you shared with your husband. He sounds like he was a really great person. And so do you.

post #7 of 11
Thread Starter 
Diana, I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, was inspired by your partnership descriptions! Angels...and memories kept alive are at the heart of healing.

You keep going with your style of parenting. Your gut is the best guide.

Things have gotten very beautiful outside here in Mpls. Spring has finally sprung and our lives suddenly feel kissed with blessings upon blessings.

Best of mama love and luck to your family.

post #8 of 11
Hey browneyedgirl-

Welcome! Yeah I know about being "it"- I was that for my older son until he was about 12. My boys have different dads, also. My little one's dad has always been fully involved, and I have a unique situation where both dads & my (most recent exboyfriend) all moved to the mountains together & luckily all get along very, very well.

Being "it" is intense and I think I survived by really utilizing offers from friends and family and at times proactively arranging sleepovers if I really needed some alone time.

I am really fascinated by the diagnosis of your ex; "narcissistic personality disorder"- can you describe what that personality is like? I have a sneaking suspicion that this may fit my recent ex...he sure as heck was narcissistic!

post #9 of 11
Thread Starter 
Narcissism in the clinical sense is the scariest thing to cross my path. My ex frightens me in that he seems to truly feel *nothing* outside of sentiment. He is numb, and full of false fronts, faces, reactions, etc... He pretends his way through life and thrives off of what is referred to as 'Narcissistic Supply'. The best book on NPD that I have thus far discovered is 'Malignant Self Love- Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin, Ph. D. (not a mental health expert but a narcissist trying to make sense of his existence). It is shocking in places, but I find it to be true. It is not a fun read, but informative. I think there is a website, but I haven't visited...try Google?

Thanks for your two cents! Sorry if you're in the same boat (with NPD). It is a creepy boat.
post #10 of 11

Hey You!!!!

Hey Jess, it's me Jen!! I was just looking around this site and clicked right on your stuff, what a coincidence!!! How are you doing? Me and my boys are doing alright, sorry to hear about yer ex, didn't know it was so icky. Men can be real poops. Let's go out for coffee, May Day? Let me know....catch you later. -jen
post #11 of 11
Thread Starter 
Hi Jen!
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