Toddler hitting new baby - HELP

[KBinSATX]

I wasn't sure if this should go in 'Toddlers', 'Beastfeeding beyond infancy' or GD.
If I put it the wrong spot please let me know/move it

My son turned 2 end of May.
Last month I gave birth to a daughter.
So she is now 1 month old and DS is 29 months old.

I nursed DS all through the pregnancy. In my mind I had this wondeful picture of loving and nurturing two children simultaneously. Instead it has been pretty rough going.


In retrospect I wonder what would have been better.
Space the children further apart age-wise. Nightwean DS. Wean DS all together.

Anyway, here is where we are now.
I am still nursing them both although I had to adjust it a little because Ds usually takes really long to be nursed to sleep and DD might need me before DS completely drifts off. Our biggest meltdown have centered around the interrupted nursing to sleep.
Just when I thought he was getting used to nursing for a while and then letting go of the breast and lay down he started a new thing: hitting the baby (on the head, in the face, etc,)

We don't hit/spank. I realize he is frustrated. And I am all about loving guidance but hitting the baby really makes me feel very unloving and outright angry!
Coincidence or not the hitting is often followed by him saying he wants 'ninnies' (to nurse) as if he thought hitting the baby would get her off of me and he could get ninnies, etc.

Other times he seems to love on her and help with her diapers, etc.

Just as a sidenote about 4 months ago he had some disfluency in his speech pattern but after about 2 weeks his speech normalised again.

For the last two days that disfluency seems to have returned.

So... get me out of this mess. Enlighten me with a less pessimistic point of few and tell mw how/what I should do!
Please

[Greenmama2AJ]

I think you have a genuinely interesting question, thanks for posting it here. Well done on nursing DS for so long.

The hitting, while it is normal, has to stop. If he hits DD while she is nursing - then you have to be strong - don't give in, dont unlatch DD and give him ninny because that will just reinforce the hitting. It's going to get better

I would start a little gentle encouragement to wean DS from nursing to sleep.
He can still nurse other times - it'll just make life easier this way right?
There is going to be some tears but they will be angry tears that the routine is changing, but they wont be abandoned tears. He knows Mommy loves him. Try Jay Gordons or Pantley's method.

I found it took one night of me letting him be angry to wean DS off nursing to sleep using this approach. The following week it took him between 45-60 min to fall asleep without bb. the tie it took for me to lay there got less and less, now it only takes 5-10 min. I lie beside him and cuddle him to sleep instead.

This wont stop him hitting DD when she interupts ninny in the short term, its the long term solution. But I knwo everything will work out for you.

Good luck!

[KBinSATX]

Originally Posted by Greenmama2AJ

If he hits DD while she is nursing - then you have to be strong - don't give in, dont unlatch DD and give him ninny because that will just reinforce the hitting.

Oh I don't. I say:" You will not get ninnies if you hit her!" And then no ninnies. Is it okay to show him how upset she is because he hit her? That's what I do.

[mamabeca]

You could let him know she's crying because he hit her, that would certainly be appropriate. But I wouldn't overly-voice how upset she 'must' be with him. I think it's an age thing, as well as a nursing thing, and not much other than time and persistance will 'solve' the problem. Overall he sounds like a very sweet loving boy, you are a lucky mama! Is it possible to nurse him down w/out dd there? Or the other way round? I find that bedtime is one of the few times that I really connect w/one kid or t'other, rather than a family time. I have tried hard to give each a snuggle time alone, and that seems to help them off to lala land the most quickly and easily.

Great job, mama, nursing your sweet babies! I am SURE it will work out beautifully.

[KBinSATX]

Originally Posted by mamabeca

Is it possible to nurse him down w/out dd there? Or the other way round?

Thanks. That's teh really tough part. I definitely try to nurse the baby to sleep so that I can have a nice nurse down time with DS but so often it's cut short because teh baby wakes up and cries.
We've never let DS cry when he was little and I won't let DD cry for me either. I realize it must be frustrating for him but I have to go take care of the baby.
What tough too is that she nurses so frequently and for so long compared to DS but she's a newborn. DS nursed the same when he was tiny.

[JeanneElle]

Hmmmm. Tough one.

This is what worked with my daughter:

Me: Honey, why did you hit Mommy? Are you sad?

A: shook her head no

Me: Are you... scared?

A: shook her head no

Me: Are you... silly?

A: shook her head no

Me: Are you mad?

A: nods her head yes

Me: Ah! Ok, it's ok to be mad. That's ok. Everybody gets mad. It's NOT ok to hit Mommy. If you're mad, you can stomp your feet, you can hit a pillow, you can make a sound with your voice, but you CANNOT HIT MOMMY. Ok?

It worked. She just needed a way to express what she was feeling, and needed guidance as to hitting being inappropriate.

I had tried time-outs which hadn't worked, because they only made her more angry.

Not sure if your son is old enough for this strategy yet, but it's something to try, anyway.

Good luck :-)

[KBinSATX]

Originally Posted by JeanneElle

If you're mad, you can stomp your feet, you can hit a pillow, you can make a sound with your voice, but you CANNOT HIT MOMMY.

Yes, he's old enough I think. In fact we use the same suggestions. In fact when we talk about not hitting he even volunteers:
"Duncan can hit a pillow" so he remembers that part -at least after the fact...

[ktmama]

Just wondering if you can nurse the baby and then hand her off to your partner (if that pertains) to be put down? Then in baby wakes, he/she can be there to soothe the baby back to sleep.

[KBinSATX]

Yes, we do that in the evening and it works most of the time. Of course if the baby is just hungry again then DH doesn't have much luck soothing.
But yes, having a second adult there to help definitely helps things. That's why our worst part of the day is around noon for naptime (when it's just me and the kids)...

[CariS]

Hi - hugs!
I wanted to add my two cents. I can't read the other posts responding yours so sorry if any repeats.

My children are 2 years apart to the day. Its hard in some ways but I hear there are other difficulties with 3 years apart. So my two cents =

Ride the way! I should coin the phrase. I live by it. It all ebbs and flows. Things will get better and then hard again.

Re tandam (sp?) nursing - I feel for you. I didn't do it cuz I know it woulda sent me over the edge. I know there are some great books out there. Also LLL was a great resource for me. Maybe there's a good one in your local area.

In terms of your son expressing himself about the new addition - I heard once that bringing home a baby is like your partner bringing home another partner. I wouldn't be happy! =) So it takes time.

When my second came along - I told my dd every day ever hour that ONE DAY ds would be fun to play with. That first he would sit up! Then crawl! Then walk! Then even run! I also talked a lot about when dd was that age. "you did that when you were a baby too" I also asked family members to greet dd FIRST before the baby. I also wore ds all day and 'ignored' him and focused on dd. I remember whispering to him at times when dd couldn't hear or sneaking affection.

We had a great time compared to some of our friends. I've heard of older children telling mom they want to put the baby out with the trash so they go away (one of the difficulties of having an older child - they can verbalize their feelings!)

I also talked A LOT about how great love is that there is always more and more and more! That Mommies and Daddy's have soooo much love to give everyone - YOU, baby, Gramma on and on. Also what worked for us was to have dd help (she wasn't always in the mood). But to help giver her a sense of her place in the family and its so important they feel proud of the things they do.

Good luck! Keep us updated! (I have to go post about them now at ages 2 yo and 4 yo! =) Hugs to you!

[KBinSATX]

It started out so well today. I spent lots of time playing with him outdoors and inside, etc. He had a great time.
I just thought yay - a good day... then he kicked her in the head! I am so anrgy right now.
I had to take the baby and walk away and let DH handle DS because I was so mad!!!
The toughest part is how unpredictable it is.
There is no warning. 9 times out of 10 he will kiss on her and want to get her diapers, bouncy ball, etc. Then out of the blue he hits her.
I just don't know what to say anymore!

[Carlyle]

Okay, I'm nowhere near your situation (I only have 1 child), but I think I understand your gut level angry response to your ds hitting and kicking. For me, that kind of thing really pushes my buttons--it's just not cool and it makes me instantly angry (like instantly full of RAGE!), especially if it's directed at me (like I get hit/kicked). I imagine that this would only be amplified if it was directed at my baby!

For me, what helps me is to remind myself every time my dd does something like this that it IS developmentally normal, and that she WILL grow out of it. There are things I can do to help her learn (as many pp's have written about more eloquently than I could), but they will take TIME. Which sucks. But it helps me let go of the rage a little bit, breathe, and respond calmly and firmly. And it lets me still feel love for my dd even when she does stuff like that...it's normal. It's common. She's not doing it to be vicious.

Don't know if that helps you at all, but it helps me somewhat. Good luck!

ETA: and sometimes I have to walk away too...just to get a moment to breathe and let go of the rage! And I tell her "I really don't like to be hit. I'm going to get some space for a minute, and then I'll be right back." And when I get back, I let her know that I still love her when she hits, but I don't want to be around it. It's hard...maybe other folks will have good suggestions

[daniedb]

I understand your frustration and even the anger provoked when your child is hit, even by your other child! Can you offer your toddler something fun and distracting during the difficult times when the nursing jealousy comes into play? Can you have a special "big brother" toy or item that only appears when he's nursing contentedly and being gentle with the baby? He's still so little - it's easy to bump them up to "big boy" in your mind when your little comes along, but I look back at pictures of my first, who was 2 and 10 months when my toddler was born, and he was just this little thing. And my toddler will be 26 months when the new one is born, he's still such a baby - they are dealing with so many big emotions and so much jealousy and heartbreak. It obviously doesn't justify the behavior, but from an (almost third-time) mom to another, really just try to hang in there, keep trying different things, keep chanting "he's not doing it on purpose" or whatever makes you calm down, and it will be over before you know it. That I promise you.