Getting "Her" Way

[JayGee]

My DD1 (age 4 1/2) has become the master at getting whatever she wants (biggest piece, first movie, best piece of fruit, coveted item, etc.) by pitching the biggest fit imaginable until the other party gives in . Hey, it works for her..... Just today alone, she used her extraordinary tantrum-throwing ability to get 1)a second trip to her halloween candy bin, 2)the movie she wanted to watch, but no one else did, 3)an invite to go with her brother to a friend's house, 4)a 1/2 hour later bedtime, 5)a 6th book at naptime, although we'd only selected 5.

I know I'm guilty of giving in, and so is DH. Actually, so is DS. He's always giving his sister whatever she wants just to get her to stop screeching at us. So, now that we've created this, how can we make it stop???

[hipumpkins]

It sounds like the biggest problem is that everyone involved is afraid of feeling bad.
It's ok to get angry..let her learn that being angry happens. Show her the the accpetable ways of expressing it and let her scream.

Don't belittle her feelings by trying to chage them or to make something else seem better.
Let her lash out, let her come out the other side and let her see the world still goes on.
Comfort her as needed. validate her feelings if she let's you (my DD hated that but DS responds well)

After reading the 5th book..she asks for number 6.
No sweeitie we agreede on 5 and that was 5
Fit ensues
You seem angry. you wanted to hear another book. It's time for bed now. You can't kick me you can kick your pillow
Move yourself away from violence but stay near if she needs you...just not near enough to be hurt.

[LynnS6]

Yep the pp hit the nail on the head.

Don't be afraid of her anger. View your task instead as helping her learn to deal with her powerful emotions.

Another way of thinking of this -- by "giving in" you're showing her that her anger is scarier than any thing else in the family. Mom and Dad (brother doesn't count as much because he's a child) are so afraid to see me angry that they'll do anything to stop it. Now THAT is a scary thing for a child.

I would HIGHLY recommend the book "Kids, Parents & Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

I'd tell her flat out that there's going to be a new routine. At a time when she's calm, I'd sit her down and say "Honey, we've noticed that when things don't go your way, you have a tantrum. And then mom and dad usually give you what you want. We've decided that's not good for you or for us, so when you have a tantrum, we'll comfort you, give you a hug and be with you, but that's it. It's OK to be angry, but it's not good for the whole family for mom and dad to always give you what you want."

If you can help her learn to deal with her strong emotions now, when she's young, what a gift that will be when she's older (take it from a strong-willed mama of a strong willed daughter).

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

LynnS6 and the other pps have it perfectly -- you need to stop giving in, let her have her tantrum, and have everyone learn to deal. One more point to help you keep your sanity during the process, at least in the assumption that "forewarned is forearmed". We call this being ready for the coke machine response. Which means she will get worse before she gets better. The analogy is a coke machine. When you put in money and it doesn't give you what you want, most people don't just walk away. They shake the machine, maybe they kick it, they rock it, the press the buttons harder and harder. She will do the same before she figures out that you mean what you say, so you need to be prepared for that. I have been known to sit there muttering "coke machine, coke machine, coke machine..." to get myself through a tantrum. If DH comes in mid-tantrum and asks what's up, I will often just have to say "coke machine" and he will understand perfectly. The good news is that, eventually, everyone walks away from the unproductive coke machine.

[bl987ue]

I agree. Plus, it will probably get worse before it gets better--just a warning. But seriously, there is no need to be afraid of a kid's feelings. They need to learn to handle them sooner or later, and when they learn to deal early on they learn that feelings are neither good nor bad, they just exist. Where we all goof up is when we let feelings dictate how we act.

[Ruthla]

I wouldn't worry too much about what your son does with his little sister. As long as nobody's getting hurt, I'd let them work out their own relationship.

But you and DH are adults. You can put your foot down and say "no" and mean it. In my house, there are times when I'll reconsider a decision I've made (like selecting a 6th book) but NOT if there's a tantrum going on. In my house, a tantrum is an automatic "no" where polite responses would have been a "maybe."

Let her have her tantrum. It won't kill her, and it won't kill you. She'll probably escalate the tantrum when you hold firm, to see if she can still break you down. When you don't, she'll calm down. Then the next time you say no, she'll try again, but give up faster. Eventually it will sink in and the tantrums will decline tremendously.

Even if you're not 100% consistent, she'll still learn, although it will take her a lot longer. The tantrum phase will end a lot faster if you're consistent in your responses.

[Desert Jen]

"coke machine, coke machine, coke machine..."


So funny! I'm going to chant this the next time one of mine is tantruming.
I don't have much to say, just reading and learning. It's good to hear that it's OK to let them throw tantrums. Too often I just want to make it better for them (and to make the screaming stop! )

[MaterPrimaePuellae]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

The good news is that, eventually, everyone walks away from the unproductive coke machine.

I like this! I will be sharing this with my Dh when the time comes!

[meemee]

well... are there no instances where she didnt get her way. yesterday. i would not take it day by day. but look at it during a week. maybe even note it down if u so need.

i am a single mom to a 6 year old spirited, v. persistent lawyer. it wasnt just tantrums. it was constant arguing before the tantrum hit. and yeah i gave in more than than 'usual' but it was more coz i wanted to. but mainly on the days i gave in when i didnt want to i found for some reason that day was a little more of a challenge to dd. either not enough rest, too emotional... something.

i never ever felt i was spoiling her just coz i was giving in more. of course there were times i HAD to say no. safety or appointment. and i have carried on that way.

the other day my dd told me she prefers living at my house rather than her daddy's because sometimes we live by her rules and sometimes by my rules. we both listen to each other and take turns so its ok.

just being devil's advocate here. what does your dh feel about this. does he feel he is giving in too?

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Originally Posted by meemee

the other day my dd told me she prefers living at my house rather than her daddy's because sometimes we live by her rules and sometimes by my rules. we both listen to each other and take turns so its ok.

There's a huge difference, IMHO, between giving in because of a polite argument or as part of a larger plan to compromise between people and giving in because a child is pitching a hissy fit. I will frequently say "OK, you convinced me" or even say "yes" when I should probably say "no" to avoid a tantrum because I just wasn't up to it. But I think that's different than giving in and changing your mind AFTER a child has thrown a fit. I don't give in to fits, period. I haven't since the kids were old enough to talk. Before that it was a different story, but a 4 1/2 YO is old enough to express wants/desires/ options in a much more acceptable way.

[JayGee]

Thank you all so much. I KNOW, rationally, that what you've all suggested is exactly what I need to do. I also need to get DH on board with this. He was raised in a very permissive household, and I was raised in a very authoritarian household, so it's sometimes difficult for us to agree on some of these issues. But, by letting her get her way, she's turning into, dare I say it, a BRAT!

I will defintiely adopt the coke machine mentality !

Thank you all.