2 Children Per Family? Why Is This The Norm? - Page 3

[frontierpsych]

I used to want a lot of kids, but DH and I are considering having DS as an only child (time will tell-- he's pretty new so we've got time to decide) but I can imagine if we don't have more we'll be on the same boat with dumb comments about giving him a sibling... I'm one of 4, dad's one of 5, mom's one of 7... more kids is just expected, lol!

[avivaelona]

I always wanted two because I grew up as part of a three and I just thought it would be easier if there were only two of us, three felt unbalanced and too big. My mom did say that it was hard going from two to three because she ran out of hands.

Now we will be raising two and I feel like I want to stop..I'm done (and the youngest isn't even born yet, I just know I'm done and he's my last (and at my age its pretty likely that would be true however I felt) however, if all three of my boys could be here I'd take that in a heartbeat...that feels like what is 'right' even if it can never be true. I don't know what would have happened if we hadn't had the loss, it seems really weird to think that we'd just have a totally different set of children probably.

[Onemagicmummy]

i havent read all replys. i have 4 kids, i always wanted 4 kids, i am eldest of 3 DH is eldest of 3 and we both hated it. i swore i would never have only 3 kids if i had a 3rd then it was a given we were having a 4th. so we have 4 wonderful kids,
the looks, comments, and flipiant remarks i get, well if i had £1 for every "are they ALL yours" or " my you have your hands full" i would be pretty rich. and the looks when people ask "so, is that it for you" and i say no, my gosh you wold of thought i had just said something rude!! i ahve been told i am mad, crazy, stupid, people have said "well i couldnt do it" and equialy lame and annoying comments. and dont even mention the age gaps, i get google eyes and jaw drops when people find out there only 12 months between the middle 2.

Just because i have 2 of each people thing i should stop. when an old friend found out i want a bunch more (either 6/8 or 12 total depends of a whole slew of stuff) she asked
"and who is going to pay for them" well duh US, their parents, DH works, i care for the kids. she was not convinced. she made it sound like iw as going to be sitting around sponging off others just cos i have a lot of kids.

i found the transition from 1-2 was ok, 2-3 was nasty but thats cos i had a lot of stress and DS2 is a night needs child, 3-4 was a breeze, DD2 is a lovely easy most of the time, booby solves all problems baby.

Kiz

[bczmama]

"I think a few significant factors have influenced the change in the family size norm. Mainly, increase in the rate of divorce, later age of child-bearing, significant increase in the cost of raising children, lifestyles becoming more hectic, lack of familial support network, people choosing to marry late (as in age)."

Also, as has been shown in the developing world, once women have the ability to control their fertility they pretty consistently choose smaller families.

I do wonder if the pendulum is starting to swing backwards here in the States. In other words, once the "specialness/empowerment" of being able to control your fertility is no longer so novel, more women have been making the choice to have more kids. I definitely have been seeing larger families, than I remember growing up in the 80s.

I have also noted there is a certain new economic status thing at play. In the past it was more a choice to limit the # of kids so each has more. Now it seems there is kind of a "we have enough $ to have 5" AND "have my wife who holds a Ph.D. in X speciality stay at home to take care of them".

[orangefoot]

We have four. I have one sibling and so does dh and we are just stuck with them which is unfortunate as neither of us get a long with our sibs.

Our children have more than one sibling to be with or share with or understand them in different moments. I like the change and diversity that having more than two brings and the combinations that are possible. Those who say that 2 feels right because you can fit in x, y or z easily are missing a whole other dimension. We fit in all sorts of things too in all sorts of different combinations: no-one has to always sit next to the same person or always have to be with mum or dad!

This also brings more complication sometimes but when I see my family altogether I know that we didn't make a mistake choosing to have more than two and I don't regret it.

(I have to admit to wondering why those with three have stopped there and not just had four.....)

[Amys1st]

We are done. We have 2 girls. DH is one of 9 kids and I am one of 4.

We would have liked to have another but I have nightmare pregncies and Maggie spent 3 mos in the nicu. Also, I am pushing 37 and just now after an emergency c section 2 years ago can I even try to have one again. It could take forever plus as I get older, I have less energy and the chances of another premature birth are very good. I dont want to be doing the baby thing at 40.
So we are done and had DH fixed to make sure of it.

Funny, in my neighborhood I am almost the minority. Several of my friends have 3-5 kids. I have one neighbor who teases me- he says, you guys make too beautiful kids to stop!!


I think in times past, the kids could just play outside all day and come home at dark. Now we all put our kids in activities, tutoring, enrichment this and that, quality time, scheduled away. So with one its managable, with 2 or more, it can be very busy. Also it was mentioned having one child in their own bedroom. I shared a room until I was 18 at home. After my brother moved out, my sister took his room. It was sometimes a pain but it taught me how to get along w another person.
Having several siblings you learn not only how to deal with others but that its not always evensteven. With 2, it seems if one gets a nice sweater, you get the other one the same. With 3 or more, you realize you need to share or take turns on special things.

[bscal]

I have 3 kids... 2 DDs and 1 DS. When we had our 3rd (DS) everyone thought we were done. Um, no. We are planning on at least 4. I'd like to have more but DH wants to stop at 4. We'll see if he changes his mind after the next one. I've always wanted a big family since I was little. I taught preschool for 10 years before having my first child and I truly love children. I preferred to teach 2 yr olds so I figure if I can handle 10 children all dealing with the "terrible 2's" at once then I can handle 4 kids of my own. (Well, maybe not if I had 4 5-yr olds at once... my oldest is killing me with her attitude).

Anyhow, I've gotten comments from everyone... perfect strangers, checkout lady at the grocery store, even family and friends. My favorite comeback ever was when my dad asked...
My dad (to DH) "Congrats man. But seriously, how did this happen?"
DH "Well, you know, I just can't keep my hands off her!"

This was said at my parents' house... in front of my mom, sister, and BIL too. No one in my immediate family ever said another word about us being pg with #3. This was in response to the news. I can understand the surprise, as he was a little oopsy. My younger DD was 9 mos old at the time.

Beth

[OTMomma]

I think the idea that 2 children, one of each gender, is ideal has probably been around for the last 50 years at least. Somewhere along the line, having a large family became associated with poverty- perhaps it was because poorer families needed more children to work on their farms, I don't know. I think it is much more deeply rooted in our collective consiouness than most of us realize. I recently told my dad that I thought people (in general) were prejudice against large families, particularly having more than 4-5, and he said something implying he didn't believe people could afford to feed that many children - I pointed out I appreciated him proving my point.

I do agree that it depends on where you live how many children are expected, and I think that is related to the economics of the area and social dynamics too. The town I used to live in is a very 1-2 kids kind of place now- but jobs are scarce and the economics do play a role in the decision. The area I live in now, lots of people choose to have 3-4, and I think it has to do with better paying jobs allowing people to feel more comfortable financially with more children.

Personally, we've been blessed with the "perfect 2", but I still get asked conversationally whether or not we'll choose to have another. I appreciate that most people don't assume- but actually the question still grates my nerves. I had a struggle to concieve my ds, and we've really not made the decision one way or the other about more kids. I actually find it irksome that peopel assume that planning or not planning children is easy- for some people its easy, for some of us, the Universe has its own plan and we just try to keep up.

[Amys1st]

My ILs had one every two years or so until my BIL Paul was born- he was number 7. Then they thought they might be done. Fast forward 4 years, she Then they made him a friend, his younger brother number 9.

They talk about how in the 50s and 60s people would say some nasty things to them about having so many babies. Also, when she was prgnt w DH at age 40, her brother said some nasty things about the baby "being retarted since you're so old". My FIL would not really speak to him after that. : Or they said a neighbor told them- "we are looking at quality not quantity in our family". Funny, they have an adult child in jail.

When my SIL and brother were expecting my niece after dd1 was born, I was estatic because- 2 cousins the same age!! I never had that, let alone a girl cousin. We were at my parents' house and the neighbor said to my SIL who was showing- Why are you having another one?? I almost lost my lunch on her saying such a horrible thing.

Also, when another SIL got prgnt after her first 2 were in school, her older sister didnt understand why she would do that after getting the 1st 2 into school. I think it was said in a pp, but my MIL pointed out then sometimes we only see things with our own situations in mind and not thinking that others may live their life different or choose a different path.

[Mimi]

my grandmother kindly suggested to me that it is now time to stop having babies ( i have two ) , because i "don't need to populate england" . so there. i'll definitely have two more, though.

[Nate'sMama]

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum

I'm in the process of trying to sort out how I feel about this.

Logically two is good for us. It means that we don't need a bigger car or bigger house. There's one parent per child. One knee for each child. One hand for each child.

In my heart though I think I want more. Say three or four. I come from four and that seems normal to me.

I just worry about getting older, and wishing for more kids, but not having the option anymore. Financially I really don't think we could afford another child at this point in our life, but I'm scared that when we can it will just be too late.

What do you follow? Your heart or your brain?

I don't know but when you find out please let me know. I feel the same way!!

[hollyvangogh]

Originally Posted by jmmom

Actually, 2 per couple is less than zero growth - it will result in an overall pop decline, which causes lots of problems for things like social security, etc. Europe is in this predicament, and it's weird - it's the first time in history that a population has chosen not to replace itself.

:

I'm one of two (not including step-siblings who lived with their mom, not with us). DH is 7 of 8. I want a large family. That, admittedly, has a lot to do with religious beliefs (I'm LDS). But I also just want to have a large family. I always wanted more siblings growing up. I envy the relationship DH had with some of his siblings. And being a mom is what I've wanted to do since I was 15. I personally have no desire to be anything other than a SAHM and homemaker.

I think some families have two because that's what youre "supposed to do." What I mean is that you're "supposed" to have kids and I think some (though not many) people choose to have kids as a status symbol but don't *really* want them so why would they ever choose to have more than 2, kwim? And I think some people haven't learned how to *appreciate* children. Our society seems to be getting more and more intolerant of children (can't tell you how many times I've seen conversations about how awful it is to be a on a flight with babies/children and how they shouldn't be *allowed* to fly). I think that hinders some people from learning to have fun with kids. Kids become a chore. And when that's how you think of children then you want to limit how many you're responsible for.

However, I'm not saying that all families are like that, or even that most are. But I do believe it's a factor for some.

[Ceinwen]

I'm the oldest of five - I have two brothers and two sisters.

Dh has one sister, younger than him.

One child has become the norm among our friends; although we're seeing a trend like us, having one and then having another years later.

We have two girls ourselves, ages almost six and almost one.

I will be having one more baby at some point in the next five years.

Dh and I are separating/divorcing/co-habiting as friends. It's a weird situation, but he may end up being the father of the next baby as well. If not, I'm totally going to do AI.

Three kids has always been in my heart. If I had someone to support me as a SAHM (financially and emotionally) I would love to have five kids like my parents.

[mysticmomma]

This is an appropriately timed thread for me. We decided to take a break from baby having so I can finish some school work and both our parents said they were so glad we weren't going to have any more and that they were sleeping better. I didn't bother to tell them that we actually feel like five or more is the number for us, that it was a temporary hiatus.

[Norasmomma]

It's not the norm in my DH's family ALL his brothers and sisters(except for 1 with no family) have at least 4 kids. He's one of 7 himself.

We'd be the oddballs if we had 2, and right now we only have 1.

Also where I live many families have 2 or more, there are tons of families I know with 3 or 4 kids. I guess it's the mountain air or something because there are a lot of families with more than 2.

[phathui5]

DH and I like amusement parks. With our family of four, the two kids can ride together, or each parent can ride with one child. With three kids, the logistics would be more difficult.

We don't have children that are old enough to go to a big amusement park like Six Flags yet, but we've taken them to Dutch Wonderland every year and it hasn't been a problem.

I just worry about getting older, and wishing for more kids, but not having the option anymore.

My dad had this happen. Years after they had my little brother, he told my mom they should have had more kids, but it was too late.

[kijip]

Regardless of what is the norm, people should not be chiming in their 2 cents on the size of your family!

That said here are are some cultural forces that have reduced family size over time:

-Later marriage
-Shift from rural to urban life (going from farmhouses with ready access to food to small urban houses with need to buy all food at store for one, for two people don't need large families in urban areas like they needed them a century ago to help on the farm).
-Birth control. When it becomes available, women will statistically choose fewer pregnancies.
-Expectation (incorrect, IMO) that "good" parents will pay for enrichment and then also vastly expensive college educations.
-2 income families have become most typical. Childcare is expensive. Most people don't have to do the math to realize they can't afford 4 or more childcare bills.
-Lower rate of infant and child mortality has a psychological impact I think. People used to have large families in part because they simply could not take for granted that all or even most would live to adulthood. Maybe that is not a conscious reason for having a large family in the 19th century, but I think it was there in the background of the mind.


My grandmother thinks that families became smaller (closer to 3 kids than 8) after the Depression because people internalized a fear about not being able to feed all their children. And then all those post war homes went up with tiny rooms and small # of bedrooms. I think there is something to that, and subsequent generations made fewer children the norm due to a host of pressure listed by PP and above in my post.

[Houdini]

I am one of nine...I have six kids.....two of my sister's have one child, one of my sister's has two....two brother's have two kids, one brother has nine kids, and my other two brother's aren't old enough for kids as of yet.

I figure it is all about what is right for your family. I see no point in anyone other than you and your partner to be involved in deciding what works for your home.

[Undercover Mama]

I have four children and one on the way. And I love my life. This is what I chose. They are ages 8 and younger. I have always been able to be a SAHM and I homeschool them. Does it get difficult? Of course.

Are we wealthy? Not even close. We practice frugal living, but don't feel deprived. Most of the clothes are free hand me downs, but you wouldn't think it if you saw them. I don't think kids "need" a lot of toys and junk to be happy.

We have never been on welfare.

On our yearly trip to Disney World, I smile as we find our seats on the jet for that cross country flight. The faces of the people around us are priceless, but I get compliments almost without fail about how well they did.

We value our time together and try not to over-schedule. Because we get our school work done much faster at home, we are able to fit in the extras without being consumed. My kids are currently in dance, horseback riding, karate and violin. We read together daily and play games, take walks, and spend a lot of time working together in our garden and orchard and taking care of animals.

Did it always make sense to have another? No, I think if I waited until it was logical, I wouldn't have had one yet. We do our best and trust that it will work out. Each one adds so much to our family.

Use logic to plan, but also listen to your heart!

[guest9921]

I think a lot of it has to do with our society becoming more self focused and self centered.

We have two, and with 'amusement park' ideal, one of our reasonings is along those lines but a bit different. Its canoe seats. Kids need to come in sets of two, so we fill all seats and there arent any duffers.