Please help! I have strayed far from the GD path. (i.e. being hit etc.) - Page 2

[MammaKoz]

NAK'ing here so this is short...

First of all HUGE HUGE to you!! You sound like a wonderful mamma who is doing her best!

You'll like the book Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. That and UP which you are reading are amazing. I really like Connection Parenting for when I am feeling frazzled and disconnected from my kids, it's an easy and quick read.

Hang in there!

[aricha]

That sounds like a great, positive step you made with your conversation with your son. As a child development consultant, I work with a lot of very angry children, and one of the things a therapist I work with a lot says to do with children is to apologize repeatedly for the way the grown-ups behave, even if it means apologizing on someone's behalf. I think it is very appropriate to apologize for ways that you or (maybe especially) his father has scared or hurt him in the past.

She also mentions frequently that children who are angry often need us to react in a way that is contrary to what their behavior seems to be asking for. So if he lashes out, rather than lashing back (verbally or physically), love him instead. She would suggest you tell him you can see how angry he is and that you love him even when he is feeling angry and out of control. Ask if you can give him a hug. Let him know that it's okay to be angry, that he is safe with you and he can go ahead and feel angry.

It sounds like you are headed in this direction, and your gut is telling you that he is hurt and that he is suffering... I would trust your instincts. The more he seems to be pushing you away, the more he may need your love. It's definitely not easy to react to anger with love, but it is absolutely possible.

[ShadowMom]

Originally Posted by aricha

That sounds like a great, positive step you made with your conversation with your son. As a child development consultant, I work with a lot of very angry children, and one of the things a therapist I work with a lot says to do with children is to apologize repeatedly for the way the grown-ups behave, even if it means apologizing on someone's behalf. I think it is very appropriate to apologize for ways that you or (maybe especially) his father has scared or hurt him in the past.

She also mentions frequently that children who are angry often need us to react in a way that is contrary to what their behavior seems to be asking for. So if he lashes out, rather than lashing back (verbally or physically), love him instead. She would suggest you tell him you can see how angry he is and that you love him even when he is feeling angry and out of control. Ask if you can give him a hug. Let him know that it's okay to be angry, that he is safe with you and he can go ahead and feel angry.

It sounds like you are headed in this direction, and your gut is telling you that he is hurt and that he is suffering... I would trust your instincts. The more he seems to be pushing you away, the more he may need your love. It's definitely not easy to react to anger with love, but it is absolutely possible.

wow, thanks so much for this post! It sounds like I am on the right track. I have been working on this and it GENUINELY seems to help... I cannot stand being hit anymore so I take his fist and gently open it and gently pull his arm so he's hugging me. It does really seem to help, he calms down a lot and we don't have a lot of hitting going on anymore (I really can't stand to be hit anymore at all, so I'm very glad).

I guess it's a matter of whether I can keep myself calm. It can be really hard. You know? But when I react with anger, it does seem to exacerbate the situation, so what your therapist friend is saying does seem to hold true... he needs love, not more anger.

[ShadowMom]

Originally Posted by MammaKoz

NAK'ing here so this is short...

First of all HUGE HUGE to you!! You sound like a wonderful mamma who is doing her best!

You'll like the book Connection Parenting by Pam Leo. That and UP which you are reading are amazing. I really like Connection Parenting for when I am feeling frazzled and disconnected from my kids, it's an easy and quick read.

Hang in there!

Thanks, I hadn't heard of that book before. I am going to check it out. UP has been really helpful, and this one looks great too.

[Kira's mom]

Originally Posted by angelandmisha

shadowmom, i'm sorry you're having to deal with this it sounds rough. It seems like you're probably right about it being hard for your lo to deal with the differences in parenting styles at your place vs. Dad's place.

The two books you could read that pop to mind are unconditional parenting and how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. They're both really good about connecting with kids and i think might help you. When he hits you, you might say something along the lines of, "you seem really mad and you want to hit me." (see what he says) or "i don't like being hit." the how to talk book might give you some ideas about talking to him that would help open up a dialog about how he's feeling- angry at being yelled at at dad's, sad about it, confused, frustrated, etc. I think you should trust your instincts about not wanting to restrain him like your therapist suggested- you said it doesn't seem to help. Try to think how would you like to be treated in his situation and try that. Maybe he just needs to feel like he can express some negative feelings and you'll listen and still love him and won't go away.

I hope any of that helps, he's so little and it sounds like you're feeling bad about the way things have been going, but you can get back to the kind of mama you want to be, we're all here to encourage and support you!

Good luck and hugs

yeah that!!

[angelandmisha]

ShadowMom, I'm so happy to hear that things are going better and that you're enjoying Unconditional Parenting! That book really changed how I think about interacting with children (and my husband actually!). I'm really glad the hitting is lessening. Sounds like your conversation with him was really helpful to him, that must be gratifying to see. Just wanted to send you big hugs! (I'm also happy to see the change in your signature- seems like things are getting more positive for you)