Daily Groove Readers - Page 3

[sunnysandiegan]

Wednesday:

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: FEEL Your Way to Find Your Way ::

Once you understand that the primary purpose of your
emotions is to guide your thinking, you no longer need
to over-rely on cold rationality to make good
parenting decisions.

Your decisions can be "emotional" without being
irrational. (They may, however, transcend conventional
rationality.)

The key is to be willing to *wait*. Take no action
until your emotions give you the green light, because
your culturally pre-programmed answers come up
immediately, while your creative process takes some
time to ripen.

Often a particular choice seems very reasonable, but
you feel *something* isn't quite right. Connecting
with the feeling and waiting for more clarity usually
reveal another aspect that, when considered, leads to
a better course of action.

If you have a history of indecisiveness, don't go for
"perfect" decisions. When your creative process leads
to any feeling of *relief*, consider it a green light
for a *good enough* decision. You can always amend
your decision later.

I am fairly new to this forum on MDC and am really enjoying the virtues concepts. I've been receiving the above emails since late October, I think, (maybe early November...not long either way) and have read them casually. This one (above) really resonated with me!

I am an emotional person and have mostly felt uncomfortable with this aspect of myself through social conditioning and parental guidance. I have been freeing myself slowly from the social stigma and this email feels very validating! I also appreciate the advice of "waiting" and am going to give this some thought and practical application today with my 7 year old.

How about you?

[Devaya]

I like the idea of listening to your emotions and giving them time to give you the answer. But, as a very emotional person, I find my 'feelings' come out very strongly FIRST in most situations, and then I'm so busy trying to not let them run away with me, and often to do the 'socially acceptable thing' in a situation where I don't feel safe enough to be totally authentic (for e.g., as someone was saying in an earlier post, when you have a friend/acquaintance whose parenting you are uncomfortable with), that I lose touch with how my instinct tells me to respond. There are just so many 'layers' to unpick.

I also am coming back to Non violent communication principles and trying to apply them to my child. I'm dealing with my anger/frustration much better except on days when I'm really over-tired and have had no relief for days from childcare, and even then I'm usually managing to 'manage' it better. I also like to look at my own needs and how they can be met. My friend who has a 4 month old says she's been alternating doing one thing for her son, then one for herself, to help prevent resentment, boredom and frustration. I like that idea.

[stickywicket67]

i went out of town for a week and couldn't post on my thursdays!
i'm going to go back right now and do yesterday's and hopefully bump the thread up a bit. i really like what everyone is sharing.

:: Inner Separation Anxiety (Part 2) ::

Let's take this concept a step further and say that
ALL separation anxiety is due to "inner separation"
whether or not there's a physical separation.

In other words, your child becomes anxious when s/he
*feels* disconnected from you, and that feeling may
be rooted in *any* type of separation -- physical,
mental, or spiritual -- real or imagined.

If you believe you "have to" leave your child, your
belief in lack of freedom will separate you from
your Self. Your child will feel that disconnectedness
even before you leave.

But when you achieve inner connectedness, it soothes
anxieties AND makes it easier to attract into your
life more people with whom your child feels a secure,
consistent, loving connection. Creating such a
"village" can lessen if not eliminate your child's
separation anxiety.

So do your best to make peace with separations when
they occur, and hold the vision that your child will
be okay. But remain open to the possibility that
your child can have all the physical closeness s/he
desires, too.

this week's email reminded me a lot of when i was dating. i remember being in some not so great relationships and when we were apart from each other there would be a lot of anxiety. a lot of silly fighting and insecurity surrounding our relationship. it was like more physical time together would make up for the lack of a true mental and spiritual connection.

when i started dating my dh there was never any sort of uncomfortableness in time we spent apart. for about a year i traveled for work and was only home on weekends. even though we would talk just once or twice during the week i was away, we both were so confident of our mental and spiritual connection with each other and with ourselves that it transcended the physical separation.

i think this same connection can be applied to our children. when we confidently invite others to be a part of our child's "village" we are sending our child the message that the world is abundant in love rather than the notion that love is scarce and easily diminished by physical separation.

[blizzard_babe]

Can I join in the group? I signed up, and had it sent to my work e-mail, so I'm more likely to read it.

[sunnysandiegan]

Originally Posted by stickywicket67

i think this same connection can be applied to our children. when we confidently invite others to be a part of our child's "village" we are sending our child the message that the world is abundant in love rather than the notion that love is scarce and easily diminished by physical separation.

I agree with you wrote!

It took me awhile to feel comfortable leaving our DD with others. I didn't HAVE to, so we didn't really work on that with her. Then, our lives changed and I no longer was able to take her to work with me. We had no family here, so I relied on our playgroup at first. We had a babysitting co-op and this was a perfect transition for me and DD. Eventually she went to an in-home daycare (part-time) and we were all very comfortable with the care provider. DH & I took turns dropping her off and picking her up and DD did very well. We kept up the playgroup co-op for date nights for another year or two. Eventually two new YMCAs were built and we used those for date nights (with friends) and then my dad moved to town. We have great neighbors, too. I've always loved the idea of "it takes a village to raise a child". It took me awhile to apply it, though. LOL

[stickywicket67]

i always have felt like our core relationship (me and dh) is an oasis for us. we both get a lot of energy and safety and understanding from each other which has freed us up to be open to really great friendships with others.

i think it is hard to know the world is "abundant in love" if you have never felt that abundance firsthand.

i'm kind of going off on a tangent, but...
that concept of abundance is always in my mind. growing up i felt a lot of the time i didn't have "enough" and it caused me to go over board in unhealthy ways like one- sided friendships, eating, shopping, clingy dating relationships. it wasn't until i started telling myself "there is always more" that i settled down and became a lot more confident and stopped those "scarcity" behaviors.

in parenting i think about abundance a lot. i'm really conscious of not instilling in my son that idea of "scarcity" or separateness and i look for ways to reinforce the idea of abundance. the village is part of it. a big big part of it- a way to connect him to others rather than limiting his scope of connection. of course, abundance starts with parental attention and why i like AP so much- it teaches him that his needs will be met and that he is listened to and understood, freeing him up to feel safe with the world.

[Hokulele]

Oooh good one today. This part especially:

If your child "misbehaves" in public: "I DARE ME to keep my heart open and respond creatively, even though everyone is probably thinking I should punish my child."

With the holidays coming up this is important for me to keep in mind. Much of my family thinks gentle discipline is just another silly crunchie thing I do. Many of them believe that spanking is good. When DD is testing her limits (she does this, she's THREE!!) it will be a good reminder for me not to worry about what others think, just do what I feel is best for DD and me.