Am I wrong in doing this?

[teeg1973]

Background - DD just turned 2. She has always been a very spirited and strong willed child....and I love her to death and wouldn't change her, but she takes a lot of energy. We moved overseas not quite 2 months ago and the transition has not been easy for her. I am not sure if it is simply the age or the move, but probably a combination of both, but the temper, anger, frustration and meltdowns are up there with the best (far beyond those I have seen in peers her age). She is the type when I try to label her feelings, she gets even more angry (face turns red, screaming at the top of her lungs, "I AM NOT ANGRY!!!!"). She has recently added trying to hit me to her repretoire. I have tried many ways of approaching this, all of which, except for one result in her getting more angry and hitting me even more....

The one that works (and that I am not sure what to think about it) is if I pretend to cry. She will immediately stop, come over to me and rub my back and tell me it is ok, followed by her telling me she is sorry that she hit me. I absolutely want her to develop empathy, but I am not sure it this is the best way to go about it.

Thoughts anyone?

Tracy

[jen&james]

my DH does this to get my son's attention. If my DS is being mean DH will pretend to cry and and then my DS will say "sorry daddy, don't worry" and give DH a hug. i find it very munipulating and I haven't been able to discuss it wth DH yet because he says I always have something to say about his parenting. He is using it to get affection and it feels so wrong to me. Eventually DS will figure out he is being munipulated and won't respond and will probably lose trust. i don't think it is ever right to pretend you are hurt. i would just honestly tell you DD "ouch, you hurt me and I don't like to be hit. If you feel angry you can hit a pillow or the couch but you connot hit people" I always tell DS I don't hit you and you don't hit me.

[Mimi]

i do tell my dd that it makes me sad when she hits, she gets that. i used to cry a lot during pregnancy ( hormones : ) & it always scared her, so i don't do that, but she understands "sad" ,so that's alright.

[octobermom]

I'd change it around some. I'd really remove the fake crying at that moment tell her OWE that hurts be honest. Let her see a real "adult reaction" so she can react to such on not just only react to tears. During some non aggressive times though role play with her talk about how certain actions can cause sad feelings what happens when our friends cry how can we make ammends ect. SHe kids honestly don't understand that grown ups especially parents can really be hurt its not a lack of emphany more like we are super heros LOL. SO role playing and practicing can be a good thing.

Deanna

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

I'm with PPs in that I wouldn't use an actual "boo hoo" kind of thing, because it's not only not true, but difficult to maintain. What is true, though, is that it is hurtful to hit. And, I do think that that is an appropriate thing to share. I usually just get very very somber and quiet when dd does this, and rub my arm or whatever and say, "Oh, honey, that was not nice. You could hurt mommy." And I repeat it a couple of times if she continues to rant, like, I keep saying, "Wow, I don't like that feeling when you hit me. That didn't feel gentle at all" and so on. That way the feelings are YOURS instead of naming hers (which, I think, often invalidates them instead of the opposite intention, but that's just me, I suppose).

We talk a lot about the positive things that we're trying to accomplish, as in, "We are going to be kind and gentle to each other today, aren't we?" (Of course, this is as much a self-mantra for me as it is a laying of a baseline for her.) That way, when I tell her that something was not gentle, she already has a frame of reference for our expectations. Does that make sense? I like it that way better than, "We're NOT going to hit . . . scream . . whatever . . . today." KWIM?

I hope the adjustment starts to smooth out soon.

[jennert]

Originally Posted by kalkiwendy

I usually just get very very somber and quiet when dd does this, and rub my arm or whatever and say, "Oh, honey, that was not nice. You could hurt mommy." And I repeat it a couple of times if she continues to rant, like, I keep saying, "Wow, I don't like that feeling when you hit me. That didn't feel gentle at all" and so on. That way the feelings are YOURS instead of naming hers (which, I think, often invalidates them instead of the opposite intention, but that's just me, I suppose).

i really like this. yes.

i can't seem to post anything coherent about it. yikes! it's been a long day already.

thanks for this idea. i will use it.