Supervised visitations going really bad...UPDATE #37

[Thandiwe]

I just need to vent.

Our supervised visitations of our 4 mo old foster baby girl are going horribly. She's entering the "separation anxiety" stage, and she's extremely clingy to me. So much so that she's refusing my husband in the evenings at times. We've seen many instances of her *choosing* me lately, so we're clear that's what's going on. Over the last few weeks, we've battled the parents over visitations. They're still supervised at DHS for one hour a week. At first when she started fussing, they'd feed her. Once when she finished and was still crying, they requested more. I obliged, but she's refluxy and they overfed her. I had to deal with her reflux all afternoon following. The next week when they tried to ask for more formula, I denied, citing the last week. This week, she once again began crying, just ten minutes into the visit, wouldn't eat, and they began asking for Orajel. I denied it, because it's clear it's separation anxiety. I don't know what happens in that room, just what's relayed to me through the observer. However, I do know that they don't supervise as good as they should. Last week, the mom physically carried the baby from the room, walked down a hall, and handed her to me five minutes before the visit ended. No one noticed. Today, she cried for 50 minutes, and when I got her back, she was really sullen. The mom had refused the recommendation of the observer to let me come in and calm her. J was sad and irritable for the entire ride home. When we got home, she vomited twice - not spit up, but from the belly vomiting. She hasn't been running a fever or showing any illness. She was hysterical if I put her down. She wouldn't let me pull a onesie over her head to re-dress her; she freaked out. It took a good 7 hours until she was back to normal. Still no signs of illness.

Regarding the vomiting, one of two things happened. We've disagreed over her formula; they seem to think she needs soy off-brand, and we've been advised to feed her a reduced enzyme lactose based name-brand. My fear is that they brought a bottle of the crappy formula and tried feeding her that when she wasn't taking her usual formula. Or she vomited from the anxiety and stress. Either way, I'm so upset about it.

She's often cried during visitations, but today was the worst. I hate hearing her cry, and I really hated seeing her so upset. I have no idea what happened in that room, but I fear it.

[Lisa85]

(Hugs)) I have no advice, I can only imagine how difficult that must be for you.

[lauren]

Where is the CPS worker in all this? S/he should be supporting you in doing what's best for the baby!!

[RedOakMomma]

I'm sure it's tough to see the little one unhappy. It reminds me, though, a lot of situations where moms don't want to let dads get involved with infant care because 1) the baby "wants" mom and 2) the dad seems like he can't handle it or he's incompetent.

The best way to get through that phase is to let the dad start learning his child, and to let him make decisions, make mistakes, and start feeling confident and competent. If a mother hovers, or shows disapproval, or worse, the father might give up...feeling he can't do anything right, so why try. It's tremendously discouraging to a new parent to have a baby cry and to feel like they don't know what to do. I'm not saying the parents of your foster child are to be pitied, but I can sympathize with how they might feel...caring for the baby they're not familiar with anymore. I don't know the mom's motivations, but I can understand that she'd want to try everything to calm the baby rather than inviting you in.

I know it hurts to see your baby not get the best, attentive, knowing care YOU can provide. I totally get that you're venting. But the parents, even if it's by their own doing, are in a bad spot here. They need to have their own successes and attempts with the baby in order to build attachment and bonding. That's going to involve crying, tense times, and poor decisions. I think we've all seen our husbands or other family members go through it while they learn how to care for a new baby...when you don't have the all-day every-day exposure to a child the way some mothers do, it's going to be challenging...even without the special challenges of foster care and visits.

[Thandiwe]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

But the parents, even if it's by their own doing, are in a bad spot here. They need to have their own successes and attempts with the baby in order to build attachment and bonding. That's going to involve crying, tense times, and poor decisions. I think we've all seen our husbands or other family members go through it while they learn how to care for a new baby...when you don't have the all-day every-day exposure to a child the way some mothers do, it's going to be challenging...even without the special challenges of foster care and visits.

It's a little bit more difficult, because the parents are in the system due to serious parenting skills being amiss. In the past, their idea of dealing with crying children was to lock them in a room without food, water, or clean diapers. And there's serious speculation that there were episodes of abuse under stressful moments: mom slapped her oldest baby for crying, left babies crying for hours and physically left the home...leaving a stoned, drunk teen "in charge." I don't see how they can gain new parenting skills when they're being thrown into the fire w/o training. They don't need to complete any parenting classes.

[gumby74]

It sounds as if this child is reacting physically to the stress she is experiencing. I don't think her reaction is "typical," but I have seen it before. Some children will pass out from getting themselves so worked up. In any case, something has to change for her. When a child is this upset, the approach has to be slower and for shorter amounts of time. If the parents are truly looking out for her best interest, they won't have a problem taking a step back and trying a different approach. If they do have a problem.....that should be fully noted in the paperwork. I have to watch carefully what I say in this situation, but rest assured........I understand your concerns and believe that the burden of proof lies with the parents. Taking guidance from those who are taking care of their child as well as doing what's best for the child is a reality of the situation they are in. It sounds harsh, but she is so young and is only able to communicate physically that something doesn't feel right. Hang in there!

[Irishmommy]

Originally Posted by lauren

Where is the CPS worker in all this? S/he should be supporting you in doing what's best for the baby!!

: They should also be making sure that the parents and their child have way more than an hour a week together.

[Alegria]

This situation sounds really sad for everyone involved, I have empathy for you. I was taken away from my mother when I was about 2 1/2 years old, for three months i didn' t see her. I don't think there was anyone in particular who served as my foster parent because I was born into a religious cult. I do remember the night i was pulled out of my mothers arms and the night i waited when they told me she was coming home. This is so traumatic. I am glad for your baby that she gets you back in one hour. Do they ever let baby's that young have foster parents in the visit?

It is important for the baby to know her parents if she will go back to them.

Is there a plan for reuniting the baby with her parents? When and how is that supposed to happen?

i hope you get the empathy that you need at this time. i am sorry you all have to be going through this.

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

I'm so sorry, bens_mommy, for both of you. There's nothing I've ever experienced like the worry of thinking that the child you're caring for, who's been abused and neglected, is at the mercy, if even for only an hour, of the person/s who abused and neglected her. It's painful to remember what that was like for us, and I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with it.

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by lauren

Where is the CPS worker in all this? S/he should be supporting you in doing what's best for the baby!!

Seriously. And if the pediatrician has recommended a specific formula, get it in writing and make sure DSS backs you up on that.

Originally Posted by Irishmommy

: They should also be making sure that the parents and their child have way more than an hour a week together.

That's pretty standard amount of visitation time for birth parents who aren't working hard at their case plans. And for children who have been abused or neglected by their birth parents, adding more time can be detrimental to their emotional health. In this case, the parents aren't even calling to check and see how the baby is doing in between when they have been encouraged to do so.

[UUMom]

Originally Posted by lauren

Where is the CPS worker in all this? S/he should be supporting you in doing what's best for the baby!!

I agree. If re-uniting is the goal, CPS needs to offer more support to you (as you love this baby) and to the parents (as they seem to need info and more) so they can decide who gets this baby!

CPS need to be figuring out a plan of action! They are not helping you (OP) to let go, as you are falling in love, and they are not helping the parents to gain skill, although it looks like CPS wants the child to be with her biological family! SOmething needs to give. She is not the OP's child, but CPS is not doing anything to help the bio parents gain skill. Until that happens, the baby is in limbo.

How unfair to all parties, but especially to the baby! The adults don't matter nearly as much as a permanent family for this child! CPS, make a decision, already!

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by UUMom

I agree. If re-uniting is the goal, CPS needs to offer more support to you (as you love this baby) and to the parents (as they seem to need info and more) so they can decide who gets this baby!

CPS need to be figuring out a plan of action! They are not helping you (OP) to let go, as you are falling in love, and they are not helping the parents to gain skill, although it looks like CPS wants the child to be with her biological family! SOmething needs to give. She is not the OP's child, but CPS is not doing anything to help the bio parents gain skill. Until that happens, the baby is in limbo.

How unfair to all parties, but especially to the baby! The adults don't matter nearly as much as a permanent family for this child! CPS, make a decision, already!

This baby really hasn't been in care that long. I'm not surprised that they decided not to go for TPR right now. But with the parents' history, I doubt that they really think reunification is likely. Wasn't the relinquishment of their older children just this spring?

I really don't think it's the role of CPS to get involved with the personal feelings of the foster parents. Falling in love is natural, especially in this case when the child was presented to them as an adoptive placement.

I also don't see CPS as being responsible for teaching the parent's parenting skills. The case plan most likely involves parenting classes and/or therapy. At least that's how it works here. The social workers develop and track the case plan and it's up to the parents to work the plan.

But of course, they should be ensuring that the child's needs are being met during supervised visits.

[UUMom]

From what you've written, it seems CPS is not doing any part of it's job at all. No support ofr the foster family, no support for the bio family, no support for the child.

Originally Posted by BethNC

This baby really hasn't been in care that long. I'm not surprised that they decided not to go for TPR right now. But with the parents' history, I doubt that they really think reunification is likely. Wasn't the relinquishment of their older children just this spring?

I really don't think it's the role of CPS to get involved with the personal feelings of the foster parents. Falling in love is natural, especially in this case when the child was presented to them as an adoptive placement.

I also don't see CPS as being responsible for teaching the parent's parenting skills. The case plan most likely involves parenting classes and/or therapy. At least that's how it works here. The social workers develop and track the case plan and it's up to the parents to work the plan.

But of course, they should be ensuring that the child's needs are being met during supervised visits.

[Thandiwe]

Thank you everyone for your support and words of encouragement. I truly appreciate the understanding.

Indeed DHS hasn't been much of a support. The case plan has been established, but they were able to get out of intensive parenting classes. So as it stands, their parenting classes are done. We've had our sweet baby with us for over 3 months now, and the social worker has yet to come out to our home. The only times I've met her I've had to push for it. I'm finding there's a real lack of initiative in this case, so I'm working hard to advocate for her. Since we've known her since before her birth, it's hard to *not* fall in love with her. As Beth said, this was a placement where we were informed it would most likely be adoption. Our worker didn't even have a treatment plan when we got to the TPR trial because she felt it would TPR. The former case of termination/relinquishment was just 6 months ago. Suffice it to say, the situation hasn't changed. As it stands, the officials on the case are clearing lacking confidence in the parent's ability to change/show sufficient change.

In the meantime, I'm going to go through one more visitation as it is. I'm going to pull the supervisor aside before the next one and express my concerns, but I won't *demand* change just yet. If she has one more bad experience this next time, even after I express my concern to the supervisor, then I will start requesting some change to the visitation plan. She's getting traumatized by the visits, and it's not healthy. The parents, sadly, absolutely refuse to let me help calm her. The observing DHS worker recommended that I step in for a minute to calm her, thinking it was separation anxiety (even before I stated so), and the mom refused. She doesn't want me anywhere near that room. Looking out from her view, I can see where she's coming from. I'm not lessening the fact that she is responsible for the situation she's in, but I couldn't imagine losing my child. Then, because we were best friends for a long time, she knows me. She knows how much I love kids, esp her babies. She knows my home is good, safe, and stable. That's why she chose me to take the baby at the removal. But she didn't think through her reaction once that baby was well-bonded and well-cared for. Not only has that happened, but now that baby prefers me over her. To want me in the room is - in her (selfish) perspective - admitting that her baby loves me more (way simplified, I know). Truly, though, the baby's best interest and happiness needs to be addressed. But all she can see is her...that's why we're in this mess...

I'm learning every day how to be her advocate. She needs someone who's willing to stand up for her rights and her safety. I only hope the state listens to me if I urge them to take the visits slower. Perhaps I can simply sit in the room during visitations??

[Sierra]

I hope this helps:

Separation anxiety at four months is not normal. This sounds to me more like attachment trauma manifesting. She's expressing insecurity with you. She doesn't likely have a cognitive memory of her loss, but she does have a visceral memory of that loss. Nothing at all could be happening wrong during the visits, and she would still cry because she is on a non-cognitive but very real level being reminded of the smells and sounds of the mother she lost. It's not about being more attached or loving you more. This is a confused, traumatized child. She is finally stabalizing in her situation enough to feel safe expressing some of that trauma, but that doesn't mean that she is feeling normal separation anxiety or that she is secure in her bonds with anyone yet.

All that said, if the case eventually goes to termination, it will be a more sound case if you don't interfere with the visits. This mother needs to find her way with her child, or not. In the county I am from, they used to allow us foster parents into the supervised visits if it seemed helpful to the children. Then there was this TPR case that was lost and it came down to the fact that the judge felt he couldn't determine parental ability because the foster parents were always interfering. Now the social workers go in for very short stints to advise parents if things are really bad and the parent isn't taking the right steps to comfort the child. But then they leave the room and document whether the parent responded to instruction. However, one thing they do is cut visits short if the child is experiencing a really high degree of trauma (the social worker has to get a supervisor and third party observer to approve it). dfd's visits with her mother have been cut off at the 50 minute mark (almost exactly) when she has been screaming the whole entire time.

It's hard to stay patient when the visits seem so rough on our kids, but your dfd has a relationship with her mother outside of her relationship with you, and at least take comfort in the fact that there is familiarity there for your dfd. Most of all, remember that whatever direction this case takes depends in part on these visits. There is no way around it. Just continue to document how your dfd is doing after visits.

[Thandiwe]

Good point, Sierra; one that I hadn't thought of before. Reading your words makes me want to smack her bio mommy upside the head and be like what were you thinking?? Look what you've done to her!! I guess I'm watching the harsh reality of the system and the truth of J's life unfolding...a history she will have to deal with forever. There are these moments when I want to shield her from it all and pretend like none of this is happening to her.

But that's just not true.

[heythere heather]

Originally Posted by Sierra

I hope this helps:

Separation anxiety at four months is not normal. This sounds to me more like attachment trauma manifesting. She's expressing insecurity with you. She doesn't likely have a cognitive memory of her loss, but she does have a visceral memory of that loss. Nothing at all could be happening wrong during the visits, and she would still cry because she is on a non-cognitive but very real level being reminded of the smells and sounds of the mother she lost. It's not about being more attached or loving you more. This is a confused, traumatized child. She is finally stabalizing in her situation enough to feel safe expressing some of that trauma, but that doesn't mean that she is feeling normal separation anxiety or that she is secure in her bonds with anyone yet.

I very much agree. Separation anxiety at 4 months is not the normal developmental track. I can imagine that watching it is very painful.

[UUMom]

Is this a stiuation where you want the baby and they also want the baby?

Or is it a situation where you can all work together for reunifiction? Is the end goal the same for all involved?

[Thandiwe]

Originally Posted by UUMom

Or is it a situation where you can all work together for reunifiction? Is the end goal the same for all involved?

This is a situation where DHS wanted TPR, but the prosecutor disagreed (the fall-out of a serious state-to-state lawsuit we're now feeling the effects of). As such, DHS is offering a treatment plan, but - given a prior history of TPR - they are not confident in the completion of the treatment plan. As of right now, the parents are non-compliant, but we're only 3.5 mos into it. The parents *want* to RU, but they're approaching it like everything involved is just too hard and they're really approaching the baby like she's a possession. They never call to check on her, ask any questions about her, or express any interest outside of the visits. Typically, the parents end the visits right on time before DHS. They *say* they want RU, but they don't *show* they want RU. Given my knowledge of the family for the past 15 years and the previous two TPR cases with them, I cannot honestly say I *want* RU, though I will do whatever DHS feels is necessary to support RU.

[Thandiwe]

Originally Posted by Sierra

Separation anxiety at four months is not normal. This sounds to me more like attachment trauma manifesting. She's expressing insecurity with you. This is a confused, traumatized child. She is finally stabalizing in her situation enough to feel safe expressing some of that trauma, but that doesn't mean that she is feeling normal separation anxiety or that she is secure in her bonds with anyone yet. All that said, if the case eventually goes to termination, it will be a more sound case if you don't interfere with the visits.

So what do I do now? I completely get that I can't interfere, and I need to document, but what do I do for her? I hate seeing this happen, and I want to make this easier for her to process. What do I do?