Please help me. I feel like 3.5 yo dd is beating me up every day

[CariS]

Please help me. I'm crying. Its 9:45 am. We've only been up 3 hours.

Every evening I feel like I got beat up. I can't do this anymore. I ordered a bunch of dumb books from amazon last night. I'll try to find time to read them. I don't know what to do.

Every inch our day is spent with me waiting for another episode. Then it happens. She freaks out, melts down, cries, screams, hits her younger brother. Getting dressed is horrible. I give her two options of weather appropriate things and she finds the one party dress I missed hanging in her closet. I try to stay calm, the whole time knowing brushing our teeth and brushing her hair is next. Every inch is horrible.

She has a cold and is sniffing. She had a sinus infection once and it was terrible. She fights me to blow her nose.

I don't know what's wrong with her. What is wrong with me. I feel like we are oil and water. My son is a breeze in comparison. (I know we shouldn't compare but I say it because I am able to get along with a toddler). She's always been intense. I don't know what to do. I'm sure its all me, that I need to change. I'll do it. I swear I'll change my whole personality to get out of this. Just someone please tell me how.

I obviously need to decompress. No family, no babysitter, husband is tired and grumpy lately.

I had to stop while writing this three times to redirect her.

[littlemomma]

Thank you for your post, because you helped ME realize I am not alone. I just checked out the Explosive Child book from the library for my 2.5 DS.

Here's what helped me *yesterday*. I prayed. I am not saying you have to pray, per se, I'm not even that religious. I was just at a complete loss. I was driving home after leaving the kids with DP for a bit, and just prayed outloud to GIVE ME STRENGTH, PATIENCE, and LOVE and make it through the next two hours before bed. Here's what's crazy- I think it worked.

I was in a different frame of mind because of it, I guess. I gave him my attention. *I* was acting happy and trying to enjoy him, and for that two hours, we did not have any *big* struggles.

I'm looking forward to hearing the other replies. What I really want to hear (hope to hear) is that it is true that they do in fact grown out of this. (My first DS was/is NOTHING like this.

Sending you strength, peace, and love vibes today.

[momma_unlimited]

So sorry it's been so tough lately! Me and my 3.5 year old had a really difficult time the first 4 months after he turned 3.

I think the first thing that comes to mind is to work on how you're feeling like a victim and like dd has the upper hand. This will continue to pit you against her since "we make our own reality". The more you think/believe/feel that way, the more you will see it that way.

Can you spend some time meditating (not like in quiet, peaceful style, but in chewing on it through the day as you work on tasks) on taking personal responsibility for your own emotions/actions so you feel empowered to interact with her instead of feeling defeated? As in, when she does things that trigger negative emotions, how can you take responsibility for them? All emotions have healthy & unhealthy aspects- anger tells us our perceived needs are being violated/going unmet, in its healthy form- it becomes destructive instead of informative in its unhealthy form. What she does does not "make" you upset- you may notice anger rising, but you need to connect it to the need behind it (I need respect, I need a moment to myself, I need to be listened to, etc). Then you can express your needs, in a kind way.

An example of how people do not "make us mad"- someone picks you up late. You could feel sad they didn't make you a priority- mad because they wasted your time- or happy because you weren't ready on time either! It wasn't their action, it was your response to their action. Likewise, when my ds hit me 2 months ago in a fit of anger, I first calmed us both down and then said something like "I'm feeling so angry because I need to be treated with respect and when you hit me I do not feel respect between us". In all honesty, him hitting me didn't "make me angry". It caused pain, but not anger- if it had been a complete accident I woulnd't have been angry at all. What I was angry about was the lack of respect and loss of loving connection I want to have with my family membes. He looked at me and said, "Well, I need time out" and put himself in time out. Then a few minutes later he took himself out and apologized and hugged me. He learned this from how I dealt with him when I was wrong "Mommy is very mad right now, and I don't want to hit you or yell at you so I will go to my room for a few minutes so I don't lose my temper and hurt you." Or "I'm so sorry I yelled at you. I was angry about such-and-such, but that was not a reason to yell at you. You need to be treated with respect, can you forgive me?"

The fact that you feel like an island- without family, husband grumpy, no babysitter- may be a wake up call to create a support group. I know this seems daunting sometimes but spend some time summoning your intuition and thinking outside the box (and praying if you do that) and you'll be amazed at solutions that present themself. I have worked out situations with dh too- being honest "I need some time to be alone and I am not willing to stay home with the children the whole weekend. Which part of the weekend would be best for you to relieve me for a few hours, and then is there any way I can help you to have some time to do something meaningful for you as well so we can each be refueled and cared for?"

You're on the right track being willing to change- I think usually we have to be the bigger person since we're.. the bigger person! In my search for a meaningful relationship with my husband & 3 yo I read Nonviolent Communication and it changed my life in that I learned to understand my needs & theirs, and became empowered to meet both of our needs without sacrificing anyone's goodwill. After reading this book I have overcome the passive aggressive and manipulative tools I used to use (unknowingly) that made my relationships constant power struggles that left everyone mad.

I also loved the book Heaven on Earth for making life with little ones exciting and enjoyable- but there are other great ones you might find are right for you!

[GuildJenn]

My son's coming into this age too and it is really tiring!

I think it can be a personality conflict, but it can also be the age. I know you said your son wasn't the same, but not every kid experiences every stage the same way.

Did you know the Louise Bates Ames book "Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy" says the best parenting technique at this age is as many babysitting hours as you can afford? I say that not to say you have to get a sitter but just remember the hardness of it is well documented (these are older books too, not modern permissive parenting!)

A few things stood out for me:

You said you're spending time waiting for the next meltdown. I think this is something you could try to let go about. Yes, they will happen and no, you won't know when. And it is awful – I never know myself. But maybe it's my personality – I don't wait for them. I figure I have little control over it and I don't want to give it any more energy than I have to.

For teethbrushing we watch 5 minutes of YouTube while brushing. Yes, it's evil screen time (usually watching horses or dolphins, but sometimes Thomas the tank engine). It has lessened the battles a bit.

For clothes, I just throw appropriate clothing in beside us in the car or stroller. He changes when he's cold.

For sinus infections, a humidifier in her room at night or steamy baths will do the job – blowing actually doesn't help that much. So you could let her win this one. ("On average, adults blow their nose 45 times a day during the first three days of a cold, according to doctors at the University of Virginia. But in a new study, they have found that doing so may actually make a cold worse, because the blow propels mucus into the nasal sinuses." - http://www.webmd.com/news/19990929/c...w-your-nose-at )

Mostly hugs to you and hang in there.

[quietserena]

Could it be food sensitivities? What you're describing is what I've heard from a few parents before they got their kids off gluten and/or casein.

It's not easy either way.

[CariS]

Originally Posted by littlemomma

Thank you for your post, because you helped ME realize I am not alone. I just checked out the Explosive Child book from the library for my 2.5 DS.

Here's what helped me *yesterday*. I prayed. I am not saying you have to pray, per se, I'm not even that religious. I was just at a complete loss. I was driving home after leaving the kids with DP for a bit, and just prayed outloud to GIVE ME STRENGTH, PATIENCE, and LOVE and make it through the next two hours before bed. Here's what's crazy- I think it worked.

I was in a different frame of mind because of it, I guess. I gave him my attention. *I* was acting happy and trying to enjoy him, and for that two hours, we did not have any *big* struggles.

I'm looking forward to hearing the other replies. What I really want to hear (hope to hear) is that it is true that they do in fact grown out of this. (My first DS was/is NOTHING like this.

Sending you strength, peace, and love vibes today.

Thank you so much! Honestly and completely. Thank you. We went for a walk (not before dd cried about her hat not being right). I just sat on the curb and cried. What a sight. And a stay at home dad walked by with his kids. We walked with them and I felt better (because dd was happy for 20 mins with a girl her age). I came home and cooked and put the music on and breathed. I realized I have to stop waiting to be well rested. Stop waiting for a break. I need to get through this phase (I HOPE!!) as gracefully as possible.

So I will breath. I will pray as you suggest (i'm not religious either but believe in something bigger than me). I will try to play more. Thank you. Off to read the other posts. Thank you for sending strength! Thank you! Back at you!!!

[UUMom]

Have you considered therapy for yourself? I ask this gently.

You need to be feeling you are your own competent person; one who is not held hostage by a helpless toddler, even if that toddler may 'extra' needy. You need some inner strength, and that has nothing whatever to do with your baby.

Healing to you.