3.5 year old DS is out of control and violent. HELP!

[tylerdylan]

My DS used to be such a sweet boy. He wanted to spend all day cuddling with me, reading books, doing arts and crafts... We used to have so much fun together. He used to make every day "hug day" and I'd get 20-30 hugs per day from him. He used to tell me 20+ times a day that he loved me. He was always so full of love and affection. Now I have to beg for hugs and kisses and I have to repeat "love you" over and over again until he finally says "love you too mommy".
In August, DS was diagnosed with a brain tumour. He had surgery to remove half of it and had a long, slow recovery (couldn't walk for almost 3 weeks...). He started chemo 8 weeks ago (his prognosis is fairly good). All of a sudden DS has more energy than he's ever had and neither he nor I know what to do with it all. He is such a different boy than he was before his surgery - some in a good way ie he FINALLY has a real appetite and is gaining weight, others not so good. We were just so used to DS being calm and mellow and then overnight he turned into this out of controll little monster. He hits me all day long, swings punches at me, pinches, pulls on my clothes aggressively (stretching them out),yells at me, tells ME what to do, does not listen to a word I say, is very mean to his little brother (pushes him, hits him, steals EVERY toy he touches). I have had enough!!! I am truely at a loss of what to do with him. It is so embarrassing to bring him out in public. People are appalled at the way he treats me (and so am I). Yet, he's been through so much in the past few months that I have a hard time punishing him for his behaviour. He still has many moments of calmness and some degree of niceness. He still likes to cuddle occassionally and curl up for a book. He loves to have to me rub/scratch his back.
I don't know what to do with him. Lately I am having him sit on the bottom stair leading to the top floor until he is ready to tell me he is sorry and give me a hug and kiss (usually within a minute or two). Then he's all sweet for a few minutes, but it doesn't last long. When I ask him if he cares that he hurts me he says "no, I don't care". This doesn't seem normal to me. Shouldn't he feel bad afterwards? Or feel something? He is just so mean right now and it is so hard to deal with (obviously DH and I are extremely stressed out too and dealing with this violent little boy who barely resembles our pre-op DS is tough).

Anybody have any suggestions on how to get my sweet boy back? How do I teach him that hurting other people is wrong? How do I teach him to play nice and be nice?

What do I do?????

[Magella]

You know, I would guess that a lot of this is coming from feelings about his illness, surgery, recovery, and chemo. And I'm sure every one of you has been feeling stress and anxiety over all this--and on top of his own stress and anxiety, he feels yours too. He probably has some very big feelings. Sometimes, instead of being able to say how they're feeling inside, kids lash out.

Not the same as what your son has been through, but my dd who has an anxiety disorder exhibited behavior like verbal and physical aggression, long tantrums, defiance (all of these were intense, frequent behaviors). The behavior arose from the feelings she couldn't express in more adaptive ways. Addressing the behavior was only one part of the solution, in order to really see a dramatic decrease in these behaviors we had to address the anxiety that led to them.

So, it's only my 2 cents not having been through your exact situation, but I'd guess your little guy is stressed to the max and it's his stress that is leading to his aggressive behavior. I know the children's hospital near us has psychologists or social workers help address the mental health needs of kids going through major or chronic illness (and all the medical interventions that go along with that). Is there anything like that available to your son through the hospital?

[momma_unlimited]

As mothers we feel very responsible for protecting our children and when they have negative experiences we often feel like we need to make up for it. In some ways, we can; but I have found that it is when my children are sick, hungry, or tired that I begin to blame myself and not "deal with" things. Is it possible you have been hesistant to continue to address things because you feel bad for him or feel bad about yourself as a mother since he has had to endure hardships? Can you see if you have been inconsistent at all in not addressing bad attitudes, destructive behaviour, etc at times and commit to work with him on these things, in a gentle way, every time they occur- esp by modelling how to react to stress, anger, frustration when YOU encounter it? When ds who is 3.5 becomes very restless/energetic/negative in a physical way, I try to verbalize my own frustrations - even little things- that bother me, and solve my own problems in front of him- to give him a "cue" to begin doing it on his own. For example- "Oh, I'm so disapointed that I spilled this all over the counter. I really was wishing I could relax for a bit and now I have some more work to do. But I guess its an opportunity to really make it shiny in here- so I'll put some music on and get my favorite lavendar cleaner and we'll make this place sparkle"- kind of a thing. Continually repeating this kind of positive response to the negatives we all face seems to make a deep impression on the kids and its so sweet to watch them tackle their problems with this courage and enthusiasm.

How's his diet? Have you supplemented with good probiotics to counter antibiotics given at surgery? Healthy intestinal flora have been shown to have a huge positive effect on kids in the psychological department.