She just doesn't get it.

[lindsayjean]

My 20 month old just doesn't seem to get it. She has a pretty large vocabulary and is really good at telling me what she wants but when she does something that she should not be doing (and I let her do things unless they are going to harm her or someone else and am not strict at ALL) and I explain to her "Roxie, when you pull your daddy's hair it makes him sad because it hurts." she just laughs and tries again. Like all she hears is "pull hair" I've also tried giving her something she can pull on- like her stuffed bunny's ears and tried saying it without saying "pull hair" in there, and it all just falls on deaf ears it seems. Is she at the age where I just need to keep saying it even if it doesn't seem to be getting through and just watch her closely and redirect her and pry the hair out of her hair every time (or whatever it may be- lately the only thing is hair).

I don't believe in time outs and it seems like everyone with kids her age are doing the time out thing when their kids do things like this, maybe that's why I feel such a lack of confidence with this? I'd love to hear people who have gotten through this and their kids actually GET IT/see improvement.

THANKS!

[octobermom]

Like all she hears is "pull hair"

At 20 months this really is about all she hears. Kids her age really have a hard time hearing the negitive so No don't touch becomes Touch.. ect You can try diffrent words in the positive.. instead of no pulling gentle hands soft touch ect practice these when not in the moment. In the end though shes 20 months you will still have to be right there ready to redirrect and gently pry her hands from harming another is needed. She is not trying to hurt shes is just still little.

Deanna

[OkiMom]

Originally Posted by octobermom

At 20 months this really is about all she hears. Kids her age really have a hard time hearing the negitive so No don't touch becomes Touch.. ect You can try diffrent words in the positive.. instead of no pulling gentle hands soft touch ect practice these when not in the moment. In the end though shes 20 months you will still have to be right there ready to redirrect and gently pry her hands from harming another is needed. She is not trying to hurt shes is just still little.

Deanna

I agree! DD is much better when I use a postive statement instead of a negative. For example, she LOVES the fridge and telling her "Don't open the fridge" is a sure way to get her to open it. Ive started saying "Close the fridge please" and she closes it and go to play elsewhere.
Sometimes though nothing works and I end up having to take her away from the situation. I don't do time outs either but Ill take her in another room and sit with her or read to her until she calms down. Shes VERY active and sometimes she needs to calm down to stop what she shouldn't be doing. Also, do you think there might be a tigger to her pulling the persons hair? Or whatever else she is doing? Usually with DD if she is overwhelmed or tired or hungry its an all out "Ill do what Ill do" and she won't listen at all. Sometimes the not listening is actually a by-product of a different problem and won't be resolved until I figure out whats wrong and solve it.

[rabbitmum]

Originally Posted by octobermom

At 20 months this really is about all she hears. Kids her age really have a hard time hearing the negitive so No don't touch becomes Touch.. ect You can try diffrent words in the positive.. instead of no pulling gentle hands soft touch ect practice these when not in the moment. In the end though shes 20 months you will still have to be right there ready to redirrect and gently pry her hands from harming another is needed. She is not trying to hurt shes is just still little.

Deanna

:

[lillymonster]

Originally Posted by OkiMom

I agree! DD is much better when I use a postive statement instead of a negative. For example, she LOVES the fridge and telling her "Don't open the fridge" is a sure way to get her to open it. Ive started saying "Close the fridge please" and she closes it and go to play elsewhere.

: my DD does not listen when she is hungry!

Our battles are with the cat, I have learned that if I say "no kitty" or "stop playing with kitty" she thinks it's hysterical and goes back for more. If I say "are you playing nice with the kitty?" or "just pet the kitty" she is fine, and plays with the cat nicely then gets bored.

[UUMom]

Babies need not just our words, but also our gentle touch & loving arms as we keep our babes & other living beings around them safe. I always try to remember how much more experience I have. I always want to gently, respectfully share that info. We can say to our children : "We are gentle with our friends/our animals. Lets leave that cat to be as she explores on her own".

If my child is trying to pull other babe's hair, I would hold her little hands gently. It's always wrong to knowingly let a child grab another child so much that the other child feels pain. I would be very upset at any parent who allowed such harm. It's one thing to not see it coming, but it's something else to see without gently intervening.

Touching the child gently, we can hold a tiny hand in ours lovingly and say : "We are gentle with our friends. We do not pull our friends hair/bodies. I will stay with you and help you". We need to also comfort the harmed child and/or summon the caretaker.

I would never be ok with my child ripping out the hair of another. Your child's desire to touch/grab/pull does not trump, ever, another child's need to be safe. You may need to be by your child's side at all times, holding her off at the pass as gently as you can.

The grabbing will pass. But in the meanwhile, you cannot let your child hurt others.

It's never a baby's job to contain herself or 'get it'. Keeping babies and toddlers safe from other busy, exploring babies and toddlers is the job of the adults. We should never, ever assume a toddler 'gets it'.

[kiwiva]

Yup, you just have to keep reminding her of what we do and don't do. With DD it was being too rough with kitties, not other kids and the solution was not time out or something but removing and reminding her to be gentle. Now at 24 months she is usually gentle.

My DD is amazingly (to me) smart. She picks up on everything and repeats stuff I don't even know where she heard. And she may be able to understand me saying don't pull the cat's tail. But that doesn't mean it translates into knowledge at this age that that is a universal rule so I need to keep reminding what she should do and removing and distracting or telling her what she can do instead (for ex, hit the pillow not the window). Eventually she will get it.

I absolutely cannot imagine time-out working with children this age no matter how widely they are used. I'm not planning to use them later but at this age I don't see it working at all. Sounds to me like you are doing a good job.

[Llyra]

She really is so terribly young. Give it time. Be patient, be consistent, and she WILL get it. It takes a zillion repetitions and lots of practice for them to start to understand the rules of interacting with others.

You want to keep saying it, keep gently physically intervening to prevent her from hurting or causing damage, and don't be afraid to pick her up and move her out of a situation. Use lots of distraction and redirection, and like the PPs said, keep it as positive as you can. And keep the language simple-- two and three word phrases. Say, "that hurts. no pull." or even better, "that hurts. touch gentle." and then show her how to touch gently.

I think punitive timeouts with this age are a total waste of time. And I've tried it. They just aren't able to make the connection between what they did and the "consequence" you're imposing. They just get confused and upset, and it doesn't teach them anything.

But I do think that physically removing a child from a situation where he/she is not behaving, and helping her to get involved in doing something else, is a great way to handle things. So is picking up a crying or hysterical child and taking her somewhere else to help her calm down. And I have had some luck with briefly walking away from a child who hurt me, and leaving her to her own devices for a few seconds or a minute, to let her know I won't stick around to allow her to hurt me.

Hang in there. Be patient. It'll come.

[flower01]

I have a similar issues with my 18 mo so I'm mainly here to read other comments. They are very helpful. My biggest issue is when she hits my and her dad's face. I've been using "gentle touch" and demonstrating, which she gets and we praise her for being gentle. But, 90% of the time the gentle touch soon becomes hitting again. It's like she thinks it's a game - she always laughs. And a stern voice does no good. She doesn't seem to understand when I'm angry at all.

[Twinklefae]

Keep in mind too, that at this age fine motor skills are still developing. They may actually be trying to "touch gentle" but are failing utterly. They also have no empathy and are not yet able to understand that something they do can hurt someone else.

[lindsayjean]

Thanks for the response- she doesn't really do this to other kids- mostly just to DH and I (or should i say mostly me- since I have longer hair that is more readily grabbed on to). And even then it's not a LOT... just trying to be proactive about this since she is our only child and I just read Alfie Kohn's book and are trying to implement GD as much as I can.

I definitely redirect her, talk to her, and do not let her beat people up or cause any harm to anyone and feel like I am watching over her waaaaay more than other parents of kids her age and younger... I guess all I was looking for is reassurance that she'll get it eventually. Sometimes I get discouraged that I am not doing the best thing in the situation, even though through this board I really see that I am.

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by flower01

I have a similar issues with my 18 mo so I'm mainly here to read other comments. They are very helpful. My biggest issue is when she hits my and her dad's face. I've been using "gentle touch" and demonstrating, which she gets and we praise her for being gentle. But, 90% of the time the gentle touch soon becomes hitting again. It's like she thinks it's a game - she always laughs. And a stern voice does no good. She doesn't seem to understand when I'm angry at all.

and

Keep in mind too, that at this age fine motor skills are still developing. They may actually be trying to "touch gentle" but are failing utterly. They also have no empathy and are not yet able to understand that something they do can hurt someone else.

Yes. Gentle touch will often need more than just words. Again practice when not in the moment with younger ones you can have them help in the kitchen frost some cookies or spread some cream cheese /peanutbutter ect on some crackers given then raisin chocolates ect and have then gently place them on. GO on a "wildflower" hunt and practice gently handling fragile plants. give you child massages talk about this is light touch this is pressure ect.. Older kids you can add in games like opperation that requires "gentle" finger to be successful.

Deanna

[SquishyKitty]

I think that, especially with kids who have an advanced vocabulary, we expect their though processes to reflect that. It's not always true. While she may be able to verbally express herself better, her impulse control is not as advanced, and she still has a hard time controlling those impulses.

Just like we expect more mature behavior from kids who look older than their peers, we tend to expect the same from kids who are more vocal or ahead in another area.

Redirection works best, and truthfully, when kids hurt another child, we remove them completely from the situation. I'm pretty tolerant about most things, but I will not tolerate anybody hurting my child, and as such, will not allow my child to hurt anybody else.