Opposed to time-outs? Tell me more. - Page 3

[AndVeeGeeMakes3]

I don't use them for a few reasons.

First off, my dd is an only child - always will be, so I don't see the point of sending her off to be by herself (especially characterizing that as a punishment or consequence or however we want to call it). She's by herself too much already, I'm afraid.

Also, I think it kind of works in the reverse. Her "bad" behavior is usually in response to a request or instruction from me. I don't want to give her an "out" of whatever it is that we need to be doing at the moment. As in real life - we just, sometimes, have to power through.

And that leads to the next reason: time-outs aren't "natural consequences." I know some people think that yelling at a friend will end up making that friend go away and so the separation of time-out mimics that consequence - I don't think my dd could make that connection, and I don't think that's really how it works in real life. What happens, I think, is that things escalate because people don't know how to harness their emotions or control their impulses or whatever. That's what I want to help my daughter learn to do, so, staying inside of the situation gives me a better teaching opportunity. Sure, it can be hard on my ears/emotions/headache/whatever, but I do think that it's a much more productive way of parenting.

All that said, I do ask my daughter sometimes if she needs some rest when she's behaving in a way that's not appropriate (and I reluctantly use that word, because I think "bad" behavior is appropriate as children learn to navigate the world - I don't think we should encourage it, of course, but I do think it's developmentally appropriate). Sometimes she does need a few minutes alone, talking to her animals (her toys).

[RasJi7]

Originally Posted by momma_unlimited

Wonder if there is some way to hang my woodstove tools up on the wall!

ooh great idea! or tie them to the top of the woodstove somehow ??? is that possible? I've only seen one and it was in vermont- and it was years ago

ikea has some cool things as far as wall mounted rails and hook systems and even a (pricey) ceiling hanging thing too.

[carinj]

Originally Posted by jmmom

I've been thinking more about the whole time-out thing, and about how it really isn't very effective. Imagine applying it to an adult. Let's say there's something that you really, really want to do, but shouldn't - say, flirt with a handsome stranger, or even worse. (Assuming you're in a relationship already.) So now you should...go sit by yourself and think about it? Absolutely not - you should go for a run or something! Of course, removing yourself from a tempting situation is a good thing, but as we've noted, that's different from isolating yourself to ponder what you've done/want to do. Even with ourselves we redirect, redirect, redirect. So much more important to do it with a child, who has even less impulse control than we do. And let's face it, none of us has perfect impulse control! I know I can't resist chocolate...but I certainly don't need time-outs over it.

Why on earth would taking time to privately think about a potentially life-altering action be a *bad* thing? Further, you seem to forget that, as adults, most of us have learned to think before we act. Children, who often act impulsively, need to learn to think first, then act. It is our job as parents to teach them that which they need to know in order to co-exist in their communities.

Also, with regard to sharing, I think it's way overrated. I mean, kids need to learn to be nice and take turns, but really, if you were reading a book at a coffee shop, and another person wanted it, would you share? No.

But I have learned that being generous and sharing my fortunes with others is the right thing to do. And, I believe that my parents taught me this lesson in many ways, including sharing my toys with my friends when I was small.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by carinj

Why on earth would taking time to privately think about a potentially life-altering action be a *bad* thing? Further, you seem to forget that, as adults, most of us have learned to think before we act. Children, who often act impulsively, need to learn to think first, then act. It is our job as parents to teach them that which they need to know in order to co-exist in their communities.

Of course. But I personally don't believe time out teaches to think first and then act (at least not all implementations of it). I think like most punishment its first lesson is "don't get caught."

What I think teaches to think and then act is coming up with an action plan together for how to handle it the next time (once the child is old enough).

[KnitLady]

I haven't read all the responses, so hopefully not a repeat.

I believe time-outs are a withdrawal of love. I think it communicates that the child is only loved when he is "good." Instead of communicating that the behavior isn't acceptable, I think it feels to the child that she isn't acceptable.

I don't use time-outs. However I think time-ins can be wonderful. The difference is that a parent is with the child. If things aren't going well I sometimes take my DS and we sit on the couch together. I hold him (if he wants) reassure him, explain that we're sitting there because he was destroying a book and I need to protect the book. We might nurse, or read. None of it is by force. He usually calms down quickly and we can move on.

I also don't oppose self-directed time-outs. Some children start to get angry and go off for some alone time.