i'm going to co-parent w/ my best friend

[padaddy]

I am a 27 year-old woman, my best friend is 34, and 6 months pregnant. The bio-father is not going to be involved in parenting. When she got pregnant, we decided that I would be a fully partnered co-parent. I am very excited, and the two of us have a phenomenal platonic relationship. I want to talk to people with similar experience - either as the "other" parent, or as the child of same-sex parents with such a relationship. I have no idea where too look. I know this has happened before, but it seems rare enough that I'm not finding any connections through my internet searches.

Where do I look?

Thank you!

[liz-hippymom]

sounds very scary too me. you have no legal rights, so what happens if you get in a big fight? i have had too many great friendships turn to trust this.

[padaddy]

reply

Thank you... I will have legal rights if I adopt, which is likely. We've acknowledged together that there is a possibility we may someday decide we hate each other. The chance is so slim, that we're prepared to take the chance. We're both into great communication, and that usually takes care of everything! I'd like to connect with some people who have actually been there, so I can discuss my fears, and hear about how there's did and didn't play out.

[Polliwog]

I'm assuming that same sex adoption is legal in your state. It is in some, and not in others. But, I guess you've checked that out.

[Veronika01]

Would you be able to legally adopt this child if you and your friend are not domestically partnered? I really hope you are not setting yourself up to huge dissapointment.

[heart-n-bones]

Check out the Queer Parenting Forum. There is a sticky on co-parenting resources that might be helpful. You might find some other folks there that are co-parenting who could give you some pointers.

[gilamama]

i read a thread here by a lesbian who was co-parenting with a gay male friend way back b4 i was even subbed to mdc. it wasnt going as well as they had hoped.

i dont know you and your friend (obviously) but parenting is so enormous and so all consuming and so life changing and so personal that i wasnt surprised that 2 people trying to do it without being in-love would find it difficult to get through the hard times, actually it was getting through the regular times that was hard even. there has to be some glue to stick you together. i know you are best friends with her but do either of you want relationships with other people? maybe look into threads for... um... i forget what its called but when there is more than one partner in the relationship and there are open relationships (can someone whose isnt gestating and still has most of their blood in their brain help me on this please?)

Good luck and i hope your decision is successful for everyone involved.

[EricaRain]

Originally Posted by gilamama

maybe look into threads for... um... i forget what its called but when there is more than one partner in the relationship and there are open relationships (can someone whose isnt gestating and still has most of their blood in their brain help me on this please?)

Polyamory.

I have a friend who is trying to adjust to parenting as part of a family triad that has split up - the bio mom and dad are together, and while she continues to date the dad, her marriage to the mom is going through divorce.

padaddy, what a sweet thing for you to consider doing I wish you the best of luck, although I can't offer you any advice.

[Diane B]

I would second the opinion to check out the Queer Parenting forum. There are lots of lesbians and gay men parenting together who aren't romantically involved. I don't think most of them live together, however. Most of the successful situations that I'm aware of have involved specific and detailed written agreements. Often, the relationships have to be renegotiated as the child grows. It seems that the key is really communication and a clear understanding of roles and responsibilities.

If you are both going to function as co-parents, I think it's important to make it as legal as possible, for the child's best interest and well-being. That means that his or her relationship with you will not be severed if your friend decides to move to another state or has an irreconcilable conflict with you, or whatever. As someone else noted, parenting is incredibly stressful, and 18 years is a long time. It also covers your child's rights in terms of inheritance, social security benefits, etc. should something happen to you.

You need to think and talk through the financial implications (who's going to pay for preschool? college? clothing? who takes the tax deductions?), how is the child going to be connected (or not) to your biological family, what will happen if and when one or both of you become romantically involved with someone else, what if you or her choose to give birth to another child later, etc. How are you going to make decisions such as in what religion will the child be raised? Where will the child go to school? Where will he or she spend holidays?

And then, there's making sure you're on the same page about your parenting and child-rearing beliefs. It's always good to talk through these things before the baby is born, but even more so when you are bringing a child into a relationship that is not supported by society and by legal and social structures.

Finally, are you comfortable being identified as a lesbian couple raising a kid? Because that's what two women equally co-parenting is going to look like to others. Where I live, it's no big deal, but you might want to think through this in advance and make sure you feel comfortable with it.

Best wishes -

[chaoticzenmom]

My main concern would be when either one of you falls in love and decides to go in that direction. If you're both straight (you said plutonic, not straight), then that could be an issue. If you're both Lesbian (i'm guessing that your friend is not, but maybe she's bi), then I'm sure there would be similar considerations.

I think it would be an awesome situation for two single moms to build a home together and provide for the children together, but this situation is really different.

Are you planning to have any children? Would you be a single mom by choice? Are you thinking that this would be your only child, or will there be more?

You don't want to come out of this feeling used. It's a scary thing to go into being a single mom to a baby, so I'm sure that it's reassuring to her to have your commitment to her and the baby. I'm wondering if she's going to stay home with the baby? Maybe if you both worked and tag-team parented, it would be a better situation where you didn't end up feeling used in the end.

Good luck!
Lisa

[Sierra]

Folks have brought up some really good points. There are detailed sample co-parenting agreements in the _Two of Us Make a World_ book if you do decide to proceed. Good luck, whatever direction this takes.