Here's what I've learned about adopting and transitions, since moving our guy into our home in July (he's turning 3 in a few days).
- no matter how perfect a parent you are, and how great a situation your little one has been in, it will be hard
- it will take time. at least several months. when workers suggest you stay home at least the first 6 months, they know that children really do better if given at least the first 6 months. the more time you can be at home, the better
- there will be days when you want to bang your head off a wall or lock yourself in the basement or start walking away and just never come back. that's ok
- there will be times the child seems like they've made great strides, only for them to completely regress and go back to poor behaviours, over and over and over
- expect the transition to be a bumpy road. period. there are no perfectly smooth transitions. the nature of a child bonding and re-wiring means destroying those habits and rules he used to rely on
- children will have a primal memory of loss and abandonment no matter how young they were when they entered care. they may panic over every little change in their environment and what other changes it may cause. a birthday party or noisy crowd may give them anxiety attacks for the rest of their life. going to a babysitter for a week then staying home with daddy while he's on vacation for two will throw their mind into chaos and they will regress.
- expect to carry your adopted child around and treat him as a shy infant even at kids birthday parties, family christmases, and while meeting new people no matter where you are. expect to do it in any new environment your child ever comes in contact with. accept it, do it, and eventually the child will stop clinging to you when they're ready
- if they want a bottle, a binky, or to be rocked to sleep, do it. even if they're 3 years old and haven't used a bottle or binky for years.
- expect kids to regress. expect the toddler to act as if a newborn infant. forget potty training. forget his manners or his ability to sit at a table and eat nicely.
- remind yourself everytime he drives you mad by having a panic attack and a temper tantrum over the simplest thing that he doesn't trust you yet, and getting mad at him won't help him trust you either
- you need to put your ego aside. you cannot adopt if your ego is your master. you cannot love a child enough if you put your own pride and needs first, period.
- you need to do this because it's right and you need to know it'll be hard; don't do this expecting that its rewarding. it may never, ever be rewarding. he may never trust you completely, feel comfortable about admitting he loves you, or ever thank you. you do it because you don't care whether he appreciates it or not. do it because you know he deserves your love even if he acts like he doesn't want it.
- you will not have a completely attached, well adjusted, totally loving child within a few months - and if you do, it's because they aren't done transitioning. don't get into the trap of thinking "wow this has been easy" because I guarantee you, sooner or later they will have a meltdown
- the reason you are asked a million probing questions about your history and how you've managed any issues is that caring for a child will bring up every issue and problem you've repressed, every childhood trauma and unloved feeling. if you haven't gone through all the skeletons in your closet and dealt with them already, adopting will force you to do so.
- no matter how perfect a parent you are, and how great a situation your little one has been in, it will be hard
- it will take time. at least several months. when workers suggest you stay home at least the first 6 months, they know that children really do better if given at least the first 6 months. the more time you can be at home, the better
- there will be days when you want to bang your head off a wall or lock yourself in the basement or start walking away and just never come back. that's ok
- there will be times the child seems like they've made great strides, only for them to completely regress and go back to poor behaviours, over and over and over
- expect the transition to be a bumpy road. period. there are no perfectly smooth transitions. the nature of a child bonding and re-wiring means destroying those habits and rules he used to rely on
- children will have a primal memory of loss and abandonment no matter how young they were when they entered care. they may panic over every little change in their environment and what other changes it may cause. a birthday party or noisy crowd may give them anxiety attacks for the rest of their life. going to a babysitter for a week then staying home with daddy while he's on vacation for two will throw their mind into chaos and they will regress.
- expect to carry your adopted child around and treat him as a shy infant even at kids birthday parties, family christmases, and while meeting new people no matter where you are. expect to do it in any new environment your child ever comes in contact with. accept it, do it, and eventually the child will stop clinging to you when they're ready
- if they want a bottle, a binky, or to be rocked to sleep, do it. even if they're 3 years old and haven't used a bottle or binky for years.
- expect kids to regress. expect the toddler to act as if a newborn infant. forget potty training. forget his manners or his ability to sit at a table and eat nicely.
- remind yourself everytime he drives you mad by having a panic attack and a temper tantrum over the simplest thing that he doesn't trust you yet, and getting mad at him won't help him trust you either
- you need to put your ego aside. you cannot adopt if your ego is your master. you cannot love a child enough if you put your own pride and needs first, period.
- you need to do this because it's right and you need to know it'll be hard; don't do this expecting that its rewarding. it may never, ever be rewarding. he may never trust you completely, feel comfortable about admitting he loves you, or ever thank you. you do it because you don't care whether he appreciates it or not. do it because you know he deserves your love even if he acts like he doesn't want it.
- you will not have a completely attached, well adjusted, totally loving child within a few months - and if you do, it's because they aren't done transitioning. don't get into the trap of thinking "wow this has been easy" because I guarantee you, sooner or later they will have a meltdown
- the reason you are asked a million probing questions about your history and how you've managed any issues is that caring for a child will bring up every issue and problem you've repressed, every childhood trauma and unloved feeling. if you haven't gone through all the skeletons in your closet and dealt with them already, adopting will force you to do so.
:
or sharing this OP.
