Echoes

[gypsypoet]

I placed a child for adoption many moons ago(see signature) and its an open adoption with visitation next one scheduled for Nov 9th and I will be bringing Althea along to meet him this time. He knows about her and is interested to meet her but I'm just not sure how I will deal with this emotionally. Seeing them together will be tough kwim?

So my question is for other bmoms out there... Is it hard for you to parent your babies now, realizing all the amazing things you missed. each milestone your new baby reaches a harsh reminder echoing in your empty heart...

Sorry if that sounds ...aww well "F" how it sounds that is how it feels

I love his parents and know it was the best decision blah blah blah all the stuff you say to yourself trying to sleep but it didn't comfort me when I sat down the block from thier house after he was first born and it hardly comforts me now

(Ps. I have a very open and honest relatonship with them and told them about 2 years ago that I did this for about 2 months after he was born beacause I would wake up to a baby crying in my apartment when there wasn't one there and we lived about 10 mins from each other so dont be all wierded out im not a crazy stalker just an emotional wreck at the time)

my heart is in my throat and i'm so emotional these days.

[EricaRain]

I can't offer any advice but I wanted to offer support to you. I wish I could give you a hug if nothing else.

[sugarmoon]

Oh, Sweetie

(((hugs))))

I'm an adoptive and bio mom, not a first mom, but I have definitely heard other first moms echo this sentiment. There is a great blog, paragraphien, by an awesome first mom, and she wrote some amazing stuff about her experience with parenting her second baby and how she felt differently about placing her first baby for adoption after having the experience of parenting.

I think Paragraphien went private, but there are a lot of awesome first mom blogs where you might find some support and community. Wet Feet is one that comes to mind, although she doesn't write much about adoption stuff these days, but I think from her blog you can link to many other first mom blogs, and may be able to find someone who would help you get in touch with paragraphien.

Oh, there is the Soul of Adoption forums as well.

((((hugs))))

[RedOakMomma]

[Thandiwe]

This is going to be difficult to navigate; I can't imagine. How beautiful, though, that you guys have an open/honest adoption. You will truly be writing your dialogue as you go.

((((((((hugs)))))))

[azedazobollis]

(((((((hugs to you))))))))

It's comforting to know that you have an open adoption with your first child.

[Tigerchild]

I have never been a birthmom, but I will say that as an adoptee when I gave birth to my first child it tore open a wound I felt I had set aside, it's been very hard for me to deal with even now. I think that when you start to parent every day, you end up revisiting most of your past traumas even if you had not processed them as such at the time.

I'm glad you have a relationship with the adoptive family where you can be honest about your feelings. I would be gentle with yourself, and you know, there's no strict timetable about this. Maybe it would be too overwhelming for you at this time. Maybe you'll feel differently soon. Maybe it'll be okay the first time but then you need some time and space. It's all okay.

[gypsypoet]

thanks ladies

thanks for the nudge in the right direction gus's mama

[vue]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild

I have never been a birthmom, but I will say that as an adoptee when I gave birth to my first child it tore open a wound I felt I had set aside, it's been very hard for me to deal with even now. I think that when you start to parent every day, you end up revisiting most of your past traumas even if you had not processed them as such at the time.

I would have to echo this as an adoptee. We tried for 8 years to have a child - ironically enough it wasn't until I finally searched for, found and met my mother that I got pregnant and carried to term. Seriously, like days after I met her I got pregnant.

I thought my sons birth day would be the most wonderful day of my life but I was broadsided by the emotional impact of my relinquishment.

I too am glad that you have an open adoption - I would have given anything, anything at all to have known my mother while growing up. Instead, I had to wait 36 years to finally meet her.

I can't imagine how painful it is for you to miss your child's milestones - I wish that you didn't have to.

I have read from many birthmothers that they have either been disconnected from subsequent children or smothered and became enablers in order to "make up for" relinquishing their first child.

I don't think most of these endings are happy - they just are what they are.

You need support from others who have been there. Soul of Adoption is now called AdoptionThreads - it may be a start but I don't think it is a good place of support for women who relinquished - moreso for adoptive parents.

I think this is Paragraphein's new blog - not sure how much is still adoption-related - it's been a while since I've followed her:

http://livinglearningwriting.wordpress.com/

This one is also good and will give you good links to other blogs by mothers who relinquished:

http://musingsofthelame.blogspot.com/

((((HUGS))))

[gypsypoet]

Update

We had a visit and I expressed my feelings to his mom through email prior to our meeting up She let me know that she was also feeling a little apprehensive
about the after effect of the kids meeting and how he would feel seeing me being a parent to another child but not him.

So far so good.

During the visit he had some questions about "the exact moment I was born"
which I answered but said he could always ask his mom and dad because they were there too.

He wisely stated that he was Althea's brother "but like once or twice removed"

Also nice to see him and see how smart he is thanks to his great parents.(and a little bit of genetics) He is eight and we were talking about art etc.During lunch he pointed to a painting and said "HMMNNN that looks like a Kandinsky....WOW

His parents are awesome and they encourage him to explore so much

We exchanged e-mail addresses and I extended the offer that if he ever wants to email me with questions that I would be happy to answer them.

So the journey continues

[Thandiwe]

Originally Posted by gypsypoet

We had a visit and I expressed my feelings to his mom through email prior to our meeting up She let me know that she was also feeling a little apprehensive
about the after effect of the kids meeting and how he would feel seeing me being a parent to another child but not him.

So far so good.

During the visit he had some questions about "the exact moment I was born"
which I answered but said he could always ask his mom and dad because they were there too.

He wisely stated that he was Althea's brother "but like once or twice removed"

Also nice to see him and see how smart he is thanks to his great parents.(and a little bit of genetics) He is eight and we were talking about art etc.During lunch he pointed to a painting and said "HMMNNN that looks like a Kandinsky....WOW

His parents are awesome and they encourage him to explore so much

We exchanged e-mail addresses and I extended the offer that if he ever wants to email me with questions that I would be happy to answer them.

So the journey continues

I just wanted to say how much I admire you for doing this. It took a lot of guts facing this head-on and being as supportive of your son as you could be. I'm so sorry this hurts like it does; I can't even imagine.

[Emilie]

adoptee chiming in.... prayers are with you mama....
your children are not removed at all.....
those are things we say like shirt tail cousins. Your children are siblings.
Emilie