"If you keep holding him while he sleeps..."

[not_telling]

"...then he'll never learn to sleep without you."

Ok, so I just had my first experience of a friend kinda trying to advise me about parenting in a different way. She was over our house, meeting 3 month old DS for the first time. She has two daughters (3 yrs and 5 yrs). DS has been a bit fussier of late and the day she was over happened to be an abnormally hard day for him. Usually he naps throughout the day (after being awake for 1.5-2 hrs he'll sleep for 20-60 minutes....and often longer in the late afternoon/early evening). I'm with him all the time, and he often ends up napping on me as I read, eat, watch TV, use the computer, etc. Just recently I've started experimenting with putting him in his co-sleeper for the longer nap...while I sat in bed next to him and read. He slept this way for 1 hour the first time I tried it and two hours the next time. We don't have a monitor yet, so I'm not comfortable leaving him there and doing stuff around the house. While theoretically I'd like to be be "getting more done", I'm also very comfortable with our current arrangement - especially cuz he's ONLY 3 MONTHS!

Anyway, my friend was asking me about his napping and sleeping habits and she was just incredulous that I would want to spend 2 hours "stuck on the couch" with him. I know she is a loving and wonderful mommy to her girls, but clearly we'll have different parenting styles.

However, her words are stuck in my head and I'm feeling kinda defensive and a little worried. My understanding from reading posts here is that as he develops more abilities - grabbing things, wanting to explore objects, sitting up on own, actually enjoying being on his back or tummy for periods of time - he'll be more than happy to be set down for periods of time. I also think that while he almost always is napping ON me or DH, that that won't be a requirement of his to sleep. Am I right?

[kokonutmama]

Well, I mean, what's the alternative? If he doesn't mind being put down, and you'd like to get stuff done, put him down; if he does mind being put down, weeeellll, now that's a can of worms!

Personally, (I know, you weren't asking, but I'll tell ya anyway) I had a baby who _would NOT_ be put down, even fully asleep, for-ev-er, I don't remember exactly how old he was the first time I put him down in any stage of sleep or wakefulness and he fell asleep/didn't wake up, but I can tell you he was walking and talking. I spent a lot of time his first two years pinned to the couch. Now, he is just learning to fall asleep without nursing (he's almost 4) and I'm OK with this. It's hasn't been easy or great for my work/social life, and I took a lot of flak from family, but we're through it now mostly and I never ever wish I'd done anything more "drastic" to get him to sleep without me. Now, if I _could_ have put him down, you know, I probably would have at least once in a while.

The point is, these things depend on the baby's personality. Listen to your baby.

[katmtb]

You took the question right out of my mouth! My MIL spends a good deal of our phone and in person time questioning me about whether letting LO sleep on us is going to lead to a variety of developmental problems and/or psychological damage. I get soooo defensive because, like you said, he's 2 MONTHS OLD! I really enjoy spending that time with him while he naps and don't mind be "chained to the couch" either. LO does occasionally sleep on his own -- he just doesn't stay asleep for as long when he is alone and I feel like I'd rather him get a nice, quality nap even if it means he is on me or DH. I guess I would like to know, though -- like you said -- that he will eventually be more comfortable by himself.

[gabysmom617]

Your friend may have been coming from a place of concern for you. My mom often throws that line of reasoning at me as well.

Whether or not your child will get used to sleeping on you and prefer it that way depends on his personality. When my first child was that age, he slept on us a lot, and slept longer on us, and would wake up quicker whenever we up him down to sleep. For a while it wasn't a problem. And when this arrangement became less convenient for us, we would gradually put him down more and more when he slept and he got more and more used to it.

I just say, take what she says with a grain of salt and keep doing whatever works for you. Clearly, you guys have an arrangement that works for you right now. If you don't mind sitting under him for 2 hours on the couch, don't worry about it. Personally, for me, i was like that with my first kid, I am a SAHM and I didn't mind sitting under him as he slept. But now with this kid, my second one, I can't do that as much as I'd like, and it's a relief to be able to put him down from time to time and for him to stay asleep for a nice period of time so I can take care of my 3yo hands free.

[ledzepplon]

Keep doing whatever works for you. I always think it's funny when people say babies will get "used" to being held. For the first nine months of their life in the womb, they were always held!

[Trinitty]

nak

infants sleep in the arms of their parents. it couldn't be more natural and normal. ignore people who tell you to put your baby down. i wonder if there is some sort of deep-seeded resentment or jealousy in those who want babies put-down/sleeping alone/off of the breast....

trin

[not_telling]

I do know my friend was trying to be helpful...as she put it, I need to look out for my own physical and mental well-being (she said she had needed her own mom to tell her that), and as DS keeps getting heavier, constant carrying will get tougher and tougher (and I thanked her for sharing her mommy experiences with me). I also think my friend is less content than me to be "sitting around" (she runs marathons, I read and watch TV).

We didn't get into the whole bed-sharing thing in this conversation, but I think she knows that DS is in our bed. She made a point of saying (in a follow-up email) that both her girls have slept in their own beds from day 1 and were sleeping through the night by 3 months (I had told her that DS typically has a good 4-5 hour stretch each night, and sometimes even 6-7 hours), and both have turned out happy and well-adjusted.

I guess a question is...and I think I just saw another thread today about this...how do you get your baby used to sleeping on his/her own? I mean, if it's a matter of "getting him more and more used to it", how does that work? Just try to put him down in his co-cleeper every day for a nap, pick up when he cries, then putting back down? Over and over? I know putting him down sleepy-but-awake would not work for him, but the two times he napped successfully in the co-sleeper I put him down asleep. The first time he woke up after 5 minutes and started crying. I gave him my finger to suck and he was back to sleep in about a minute and stayed that way for an hour.

[Ruthla]

Also, keep in mind that this friend has a 3yo and a 5yo. This mean that, the last time she had a newborn, she also had a 2yo to chase after. Likely she had a lot less time to just sit and hold the baby and NEEDED the baby to sleep in a safe spot so she could care for the toddler. Maybe she's forgotten what it's like with only one baby!

[chipper26]

I'm in the same boat. My dd doesn't nap on her own and she's almost 4 months. I can lay her down sometimes, but like a PP said, if I want a quality nap, I need to be there to help her through it. I keep wondering the same things you do... like will she ever sleep on her own if I "let"her sleep on me, am I making her dependent. But what is the alternative? If she doesn't nap or gets shorts naps, it's not enough sleep.

I bought Elizabeth Pantley's Sleep Solution, but it takes a lot of energy and commitment just to make small changes at this point. I'm hoping she'll grow out of it by developing more neurologically - maybe then she won't wake up as often, and when she does she'll be able to get back to sleep.

Good luck!

[lexmas]

DS napped on us or in a sling until he was about 18 months. I didn't mind a bit, and I miss that snuggly time with him! It was so sweet to have my baby sleeping on me, I don't regret the time I spent doing that at all! Now he's almost two, and he sleeps on his own just fine. He doesn't get to sleep on his own, but it takes me like, a minute or two to nurse him or rock him to sleep, and then I can just put him down, or leave the bed, or nap with him! If you want to get up and move around, I would suggest getting a mei-tai or something, then your baby can happily nap in your arms and you can get other things done. I just thought it seemed like too much work to try and get ds to sleep alone before he was ready (and it would have been, he always woke right up when I put him down, and if he didn't, I got lonely!) so I didn't bother. I plan on letting the next one nap in the sling or on me as long as I can too...I miss that sleepin' baby feel!

[mrsfrenchy]

I think they'll sleep on their own when they're ready. DD had to be held or snuggled right up against me for the first 2 months. I could never put her down or get up. Then at 2 months, she started sleeping for 10 hour stretches in her crib :\

Now at four months, she's just learned to sit up, and doesn't want me to put her to sleep anymore. I feed her and then she look at me like, "ok mom, put me in my bed now" If I try to rock her to sleep, she screams and pushes away from me.

It's actually kind of sad...but she's becoming a big girl--and who am i to stop her?

[jennert]

it's such a short time they want to sleep on you. even if they want to sleep on you for 3 years, in the grand scheme of things, that's not a long time. there is nothing more precious than holding a sleeping baby. i miss those times with my son. enjoy every second of it while it lasts.

[ians_mommy]

I hate "never" statements.
He will "never learn to sleep without you".
So, when he is 36, you will have to hold him while he sleeps? Me thinks not!
Whenever I get "never" statements, I always turn the statement around like that and it shuts the naysayer up.

[MeepyCat]

I am so on your side here.

In regards to it getting harder to carry the baby around - if you work out every day with a gradually increasing amount of weight, you barely notice the workout getting harder, you just get in better shape. I am surprised that your friend who runs marathons doesn't understand this. (I cannot say enough good things about slings in this regard - comfy snuggles with baby + free hands!, and they really spare your back sometimes.)

From your co-sleeper experience, it seems to me that, if you wanted, you wouldn't *have* to hold your son while he slept. You could put him in a bassinette nearby and he'd nap just fine. That means you are not, in fact, chained to the couch - you are choosing to snuggle your sweet baby through nap time. That's a lovely thing, and you're going to treasure the memories of those moments your whole life. Have lots of them. They are never so small again.

He will eventually want to sleep on his own, and he will learn how. If you're happy with the current arrangement, there is no reason to change it.

[crunchymomofmany]

Absolutely! They all sleep on their own eventually. My almost four likes to sleep next to me for a couple of hours early in the morning and my one year old sleeps with us, but shoves me away after a pre-bed nursing. However, my 10, 12, 15 and 16 year olds (who slept with me for varying lengths of time) all like their own beds thank you very much! In fact, I have a friend who didn't co-sleep and didn't "allow" her baby to sleep with her at all (very CIO) and her 12 yo still won't sleep away from home and sleeps with her quite often - I think, and this is just a thought - that babes who are secure in the fact that their parents are always there for them and don't feel abandoned (might not be a great word choice) are often much more independent as they get older because they are certain in the security of home and mom and dad. Then again, that might just be my kids!

[RiverMamma]

When I was PG, my good friend in AZ was very concerned about my decision to co-sleep. She kept wanting to send me a bassinette, & insisted I talk to my MW about it. My MW & I had quite a good giggle about it actually! Don't take it to heart, studies actually show that baby's who sleep w/their parents are much more confidant secure people in the long run. & yes, he will sleep on his own whe he is ready. (I'm worried my DD w/ be ready before me!)

[pixiepunk]

first to answer your question of how people do it... i'm sure it varies from person to person ad there about a million and one 'sleep training' methods out there. but for the most part, they involve letting your child cry.

and so you have a point of reference on the 'other' side, i also have a 5 and 3 yo, both of whom spend much of their infancy and toddlerhood sleeping in my arms or on my back in a baby carrier. these days they can fall asleep of their own accord, though they do still enjoy snuggling to sleep better than doing it alone - and frankly i can't really blame them, seeing as how i also prefer to snuggle to sleep than to fall asleep alone. and they are wonderfully well-adjusted, independent, fun smart little kids.

I have always followed my babies/kids' leads. some have been more high needs than others, and all have gone through phases of being more intense and less intense, easier to put down and more difficult to put down, sleeping long stretches and waking frequently. i certainly don't think there's anything wrong with putting your baby down if s/he doesn't mind, putting a baby monitor on and going about your business - i have done this many times. but i also don't think there's anything wrong with snuggling with baby while you read a book or watch TV or take a nap yourself, even if it's entirely possible the baby would be glad to be put down, if you prefer to have a snuggle or a nap at that particular moment.

i would say that if baby doesn't enjoy being put down and you feel the need to get up and do stuff, you should start babywearing. this has always given me the best of both worlds. DD2 took a nap on my back earlier today while i cleaned out drawers in my kitchen.

and i love the pp's quote about your 36 yo needing you to hold him while he's sleeping heck, by the time he reaches his teen years, you'll be lucky if he admits he *knows* you

[tpintsch]

Now that I have my second baby I can't spend hours and hours holding her while she sleeps. I wish I could, like I did with my first. She doesn't mind at all being put down awake and she always falls asleep very peacefully. I think its a matter of personality more than anything, but whenever I find a work free moment I will just sit and cuddle with her on the couch. I got the same kind of flak from friends and relatives when I constantly held my first, but I wouldn't change it for the world. He is now a very independant and happy 6 yr old.

[MeloMama08]

Tmi alert

I totally feel you. I let my LO sleep on me all the time in the first few months.
Don't worry though, now she has learned to sleep through getting put down, and yes it is convenient to be able to walk and move freely and do things while she naps...

However as for being "stuck on the couch..." I will confess that after hours of being stuck on the couch with sleeping baby, I would start to feel numb in the butt... I didn't think much of it until I developed hemorrhoids .

I didn't get them from pushing the baby out- it was from the prolonged pressure on the area when I sat on the couch for hours and hours... So yes, being "stuck" on the couch for hours can be detrimental!

[michellebelle]

The only place DS would sleep for the first three months was on me. I lived on the couch.

I worried about it, I stressed about it, I halfheartedly tried getting him to nap in his crib or basinette...and then literally one day he just decided that was enough, and he fussed when we layed together and didn't stop until I put him down on his own.

Yeah, it's nice to get things done while he naps...but I miss holding him while he slept. They are only so small for such a short amount of time...

Sometimes I still remind myself of that now when he is constantly wanting to be held and won't let me out of his sight...pretty soon he'll be toddling around and he might not want all the cuddles he does now, so I try and enjoy every second of it.