Anyone else's DH have an extremely low sex drive?

[WoodlandFairytale]

Anyone else having trouble conceiving because of DH's low sex drive?

We just hit 11 months of "actively" trying - I went off BCP 15 months ago, though. After month after month of anovulatory, crazy-long cycles I was diagnosed with PCOS last April. I've ovulated a few times since then on Metformin, but even on the months I do ovulate, we have very little chance of getting pregnant since my DH has such an insanely low sex drive. He is interested in sex maybe twice a month, if that, and I'm still the one who has to initiate.

We've tried maca and other supplements that supposedly would help, but no luck. I feel so demoralized and dejected every time I'm fertile and DH says "sorry, but I'm not into it and I can't force it". He wants a baby as much as I do (or so he says) and gets angry with me if I show disappointment when he pushes me away. He has always had a low sex drive, so this is nothing new, but it's never been a huge problem until we started TTC.

Tonight, I told him I thought I might be ovulating soon (FF thinks I already did, but it's full of sh_t, I'm still having EWCM) and he flat out told me it wasn't going to happen, and left to go hang out with friends. I have been sobbing uncontrollably ever since.

I just don't know what to do. I have even tried to (very gently) push him toward watching porn or whatever it takes, but he says he just plain isn't in the mood and that the pressure makes it even worse.

I just wondered if anyone else is going through anything like this. I feel really alone, especially since we have my PCOS on top of his sex drive to deal with - it's like so much is stacked against us. And, I've been even more depressed since my sister gave birth a week ago.

[crystal-mommy]

Does he truly want to have a baby? My Dh isn't really convinced that we should have another baby, so he is sometimes resistant to have sex when it is fertile time. He wants sex just about every other day of the month, except when it is "necessary"! DH and I usually have a big blow up fight about once a month- me crying and carrying on and he goes off and sulks. IF is hard enough w/o having to worry about your DH not cooperating.

I would tell your DH that if he wants to have a baby, sperm has to get in you somehow!! Unfortunately immaculate conception isn't going to happen anytime soon!! Crap! I am not always in the "mood" during my fertile time- but if you want a baby- you gotta do the deed!! Has he had his testosterone checked? Is he depressed? maybe he needs to go to the dr and get checked out...
good luck!!

[WoodlandFairytale]

Thanks for replying crystal-mommy;

I know that he does want a baby, and he has been a good sport about taking the supplements and said he's willing to go get a testosterone test though we haven't done it yet. He hates to see me upset about this, but he is fairly unapologetic about his sex drive. He equates it to my PCOS, saying he has very little control over it.

I had a feeling before we began trying that this would become a problem, but I guess I thought he would somehow TRY HARDER or something. He says I'm being insensitive, and maybe I am. He's embarrassed and feels guilty about it, and I've done my best to keep from pressuring him too much but on the other hand, it's so frustrating when I get a postive OPK and he gets mad that "why do you have to ovulate now when I have a headache/am too tired/don't feel like it"

UGH

[wtg4miracle]

You took the words right out of me. We are dealing with the same issue also. I call it "anxiety performance" I am at the point of him getting Viagra or Cilais. Maybe you guys are going through alot of stress. My dh is so stressed lately that its not happening like I want it to be.

I have him on Maca Man from GNC. It helps somewhat. It has yohimbe, l-arginine and ginseng. All of these increase desire and bloodflow. He has to take 3 caps 6 hrs before bedtime.

I keep telling him inorder for us to have a chance we need to bd alot more. All of this cause many fights about this.

I hope this helps.

[kijip]

Many men with low drives have a long refractory period and can not become erect again after orgasm for a prolonged period. Which means you should refrain from sex prior to the time you expect ovulation so he can be ready.

I would agree that checking his testosterone levels is a good idea. Sure it is like your PCOS but you are getting treatment for that, he can get treatment for this.

Low sex drive can also be an emotional issue. My husband had a very low drive IMO and it was made considerably better by seeking help dealing with certain childhood issues and messages he received about sex from his abusive father.

[cristeen]

I agree with the pp, it may be in part fear and anxiety about becoming a father... even if he truly does want one, that doesn't mean there are not fears attached to having one.

Depression is also commonly associated with low sex drive. I know I struggle with that for my DH.

If you have PCOS, are you seeing an RE? It might be that your best bet to get pregnant is IUI. I've had to force the issue for the same reason... I'm fertile, we know I'm fertile (I'm on Clomid and HCG), but he can't perform. So I put my foot down, dragged him into the doctor's for testing and said that next cycle will be IUI, because I'm not doing this anymore (taking the drugs and then not getting sex at the right times).

[songbird45]

I second the IUI. It helps SO MUCH in taking the pressure off. There was a month when the ONLY sperm that got up there was from the IUI, and I still felt pretty good because I knew that our timing was good and exactly how many sperm (they wash and count it when they do the IUI, and there's something comforting about being told that they're putting 10 or 20 million sperm in.)

[dancindoula]

Originally Posted by kijip

Many men with low drives have a long refractory period and can not become erect again after orgasm for a prolonged period. Which means you should refrain from sex prior to the time you expect ovulation so he can be ready.

I would agree that checking his testosterone levels is a good idea. Sure it is like your PCOS but you are getting treatment for that, he can get treatment for this.

Low sex drive can also be an emotional issue. My husband had a very low drive IMO and it was made considerably better by seeking help dealing with certain childhood issues and messages he received about sex from his abusive father.

wow, Kijip, that explains a LOT about my husband! It's encouraging to see that this is not something he is alone in and that it could be addressed. It's discouraging because his emotional issues make him totally unwilling to address it. : But at least I can see a bit more clearly why he's only up for DTD once or twice a month. Now I just wish something would motivate him to get the help he needs. Lord knows I can't..........

[handsandfeet]

Wow, I thought we were the only ones! Everyone always told me IUIs were so stressful, and that just timed BD was way easier. I felt exactly the opposite. I even had DH "do it in a cup" to freeze ahead of time at the clinic in case performance anxiety happened on the days of our IUIs. I am also PCOS and we ended up going all the way to IVF to finally get pg, and that was surprisingly the easiest thing we did -- and DH only had to provide a single fresh sample over a 2 month period.

Prior to RE intervention, we did try porn/masturbation into a cup, and then I would inject the semen into my vagina with a syringe when he was really not in the mood for sex. Somehow I could usually talk him into taking care of it himself even if he wouldn't BD (I think he's just lazy and sex takes more effort).

In my DH's case, he's always had a low sex drive, with sex about once or twice a month, which is okay with me. His stressful job severely affects him. But it's not okay when TTC!

[PaulaJoAnne]

Out of curiosity, what does your husbands diet consist of?
Does soy oil play a part in it? ie., dressings, snack foods, etc.
If it does, get rid of those foods in your diet. Soy has been proven, beyond a doubt, to kill testosterone in males, starting in infancy with soy formula and into adulthood with oils and protiens in almost everything we eat.
The Asian cultures only consume 2 ts to 3 tbls of highly fermented soy per day.
Going to a Traditional Diet, ie., www.westonaprice.com and Nourishing Traditions, which includes plenty of animal fats can make a significant improvement.
Adding a different brand of Maca, like the Black Maca, along with plenty of High Vitamin Cod Liver Oil/Butter Oil and Ioderal, will usually change the hormones for the better.
There seems to be a pretty big connection with low thyroid and low hormones.
My husbands lower drive skyrocketed when we made these changes.
He would be so embarrased I am mentioning this
We follow the Nourishing Traditions way of eating, and we will never go back to the so called healthy American Diet.
Paula
www.steveandpaularunyan.blogspot.com

[SparklingGemini]

First off, I have PCOS too, soo hugs to that! It's SO hard!

Secondly, I wanted to reiterate the importance of getting testosterone checked out.

An ex-partner of mine had a extremely low libido. It was AWFUL! Led to lots of arguing, bickering and an overall feeling of negativity.

He got his testosterone checked and it turned out to be really low.

He ended up getting weekly shots and they did the trick libido-wise! (He's now married to someone else with a two year old and a baby on the way.)

You should note that low testosterone can have an impact on sperm quantity as well which is exactly what you don't want when you already have a female factor fertility wise.

[fierrbugg]

I think that what everyone else has said is so important about getting tests done, changing diet, and doing whatever you can do to help your dh.

Have you also considered that he might be feeling too much pressure? I've been in your place, second guessing whether or not he wanted kids and if it was the right move for us. We've had our ups and downs and fights about performance over the years too. I very much believed that w/ all of the pills I was taking and creams I was sticking everywhere, the least he could do was perform on demand. Unfortunately things for dh don't work that way. I use to say, oh, I think I'm o'ing tonight and think that was enough of a cue. All he felt was pressure and performance anxiety. Especially on those nights he'd just turn over and go to sleep and it caused huge issues. Until he finally shared with me that he felt like I was treating him like a sperm donor during that time of the month. He didn't think that I placed any other value on him as my amazing husband other than what he could do for me when I was o'ing. It wasn't easy to hear, since I sometimes feel like a pin-cushion w/ all of the tests that have been run on me. But we decided I'd keep O to myself. Now, I initiate during that time and he's mostly none the wiser and we enjoy being together as a couple again.

I don't know if this at all applies to your situation. But I think that sometimes we forget that before all of this medical intervention came into the picture, we were couples in love who enjoyed being together.

[ledzepplon]

My dh had this problem and it turns out his testosterone levels were WAY low. We're still trying to find out why (he's seeing an endocrinologist and has had an MRI, blood tests, and is scheduled to do a sleep apnea test and another type of scan), but his doc thinks it's probably a problem with his pituitary gland.

My advice would be to have his testosterone levels checked and go from there.

[mysticmomma]

is he on any medications?

[WoodlandFairytale]

Thank you so much, all of you, for sharing your experiences and suggestions. It's such a huge help, especially to know there are others going through something similar.

DH doesn't take any kind of medication, hasn't since he was a teen (he's 31). He has soy milk maybe once or twice a week in cereal, but that's it - could that really have an effect?

I think we are going to go and have his testosterone levels checked, especially since after reading about it I'm concerned about his health - he already has unexplained aches and pains all the time (his mom has fibromyalgia, so it might be related to that, though it's rarely diagnosed in men) and apparently men with low testosterone are at increased risk of a variety of health problems.

fierrbugg, I've tried both ways - initially, I would tell him when I was O'ing because he said he would rather I didn't keep it to myself. He does at least seem to make a little more of an effort when he knows I'm fertile. When I've tried not telling him and have gotten NO response out of him whatsoever and later told him I already O'ed and it was too late he would get mad like, 'why didn't you tell me?'

I do think performance anxiety is part of it because there have been a few times that we tried and he couldn't get an erection. It was a big emotional blow for him and since then it's been even harder. Whenever I try to just 'seduce' him with as little pressure as possible, he'll tell me after a little while to stop because he just isn't going to be able to do it.

We are definitely trying to improve our diet, so hopefully that will help...

Thanks again everyone...

[WoodlandFairytale]

Oh and regarding IUIs - I suggested that once and he was extremely offended, like I thought he couldn't 'do the job' like a 'real man'. It's a pride thing, I guess. I'm going to go with the testosterone check first and see where we are from there.

[Satori]

Has he always had a pretty much non existent sex drive? I know you'll probably scoff about the idea, but is it possible he's just an asexual? http://www.asexuality.org Many asexuals try to live a normal life, get married and try giving sex a good go but its just not in them to do it. Many do have sex to please there partner if there able but after a while they realize the stress on them to do it is just not worth it. Its absolutely no reflection on there partner but its no different then being gay, its not a choice, its just who you are. What ever the cause, I hope you figure it out

[WoodlandFairytale]

Thanks for the suggestion Satori... I don't think he is, though I do know people like that (some friends of ours have sex about once a year - totally in love, just not into sex)...

DH is interested 2-3 times a month, and only occasionally does that coincide with my fertile period. I'm beginning to think it's a combination of three factors: low testosterone, possible fibromyalgia (he is constantly in pain, one way or another - usually has headaches at night) and a stressful job that he hates. When he comes home from work, he's in a bad mood and is not into touching. He's not a touchy-feely kind of person at all. And he is so not a morning person so morning sex is out.

I don't know...

[nina_yyc]

The "let's DTD, I'm fertile" conversation is so awkward for us too. DH said never to say "I'm ovulating" because it's the least sexy thing ever to him. He likes me to say, "It's time."