What should others say and do?

[Ellen Griswold]

Hi, mamas. I'm part of a parenting group at my church and our next discussion is going to revolve around PPD. My sister suffered from undiagnosed PPD thousands of miles away from me, making me feel powerless to help her and miserable on her behalf. I'm determined to be more of a help if I ever know of another mother in such a terrible place. What do you want others to know about PPD? What do you wish someone would have said to you or would have done for you? Or, what did someone do or say that was very helpful?
TIA

[Tinker]

It would have been huge for me if someone had told me I wasn't some kind of crazy freak. That what I was going through was an actual thing that could be helped. (If that makes any sense.) Oh and if someone would have been willing to take my constantly screaming baby for a couple of hours everyday and let me get a nap and a break from the constant screaming. Ahhhhh now THAT would have been bliss!

Not only did I have undiagnosed PPD with my oldest (I was terrified to tell anyone what I was going through because I thought they think I was crazy and take the baby away), but my baby had "colic" for her whole first year and screamed constantly.

[mom0810]

That it is a MEDICAL problem, and that it's just like diabetes or asthma or anything else. That is is not the mother's fault, and that admitting you have it does not show any more weakness than saying you have any other medical issue. There is no shame is seeking therapy, and in fact it shows what a wonderful mother you are to be working to get better for you and your kids. That medication is NOT a crutch, that sometimes it is needed for you to get on the road to recovery.

Things NOT to say..

You'll feel better soon.

You have so many blessings, how can you feel this way?

Come on, get up and you will feel so much better.

Basically anything that puts the onus on the mother to get herself feeling better. She can't. It's an illness and she needs medical help.

[Carolyn R]

Every Sunday, my wonderful sister would sit down with me and help me make a schedule for the week. She would write down when people were bringing meals, when she was going to take the kids for a few hours, when we were going for a walk, etc. It helped so much to be able to visualize my week and give me a schedule to stick to, because sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning was overwhelming. Looking at the schedule allowed me to think "If I can get through til 10am, we're going for a walk, then Lori's bringing supper." I often didn't have the energy to initiate activities, but if someone came over and said come on, we're going to the library, etc. I always found I felt better. I also had trouble getting out to do errands not only because I had a new baby, but because it just seemed too daunting. Offer to go to the store, the pharmacy, etc. My sister also did lots of research for me and would suggest things to try.

I agree with what everyone else has said - lots of encouragement. Not in a condescending way, but people to believe in you. My midwife, whom I respect and trust greatly would say "I know you don't think so now, but you WILL get better. You WILL feel like you again." And lots of help with the little things...stop over and hold the baby while mom takes a shower. Make her a cup of chamomile tea and rub her feet while she nurses the baby. Help her set up a comfy place to nurse outside so she can soak up the healing rays of the sun.

There's no magic cure, but the love and support of friends is so powerful.

[JW1021]

I agree with other points made.


Also, it is crucial to reach out to someone, and ask for help. I know for me, I thought it was pointless, that nothing would be able to help, and I was going to have to suffer it out and deal with it, I didn't think anything would help. I wish I wouldn't have waited so long.


That you aren't a freak, or a bad mom for not bonding with your child right away.

[jillmamma]

Even just a phone call from a good friend to say hi and I am thinking of you would lift my mood. An offer to come over and just visit a bit or watch the baby so mom can nap or bring dinner is always welcome as well.

[Thandiwe]

Originally Posted by Carolyn R

Every Sunday, my wonderful sister would sit down with me and help me make a schedule for the week. She would write down when people were bringing meals, when she was going to take the kids for a few hours, when we were going for a walk, etc.

You have a gem of a sister. That is so unbelievably beautiful, I want to cry. Next time you see her, hug her, kiss her, and tell her she is the best sister in the whole wide world.

To the OP, I tried reaching out to people to listen to me, to help me sort through my feelings. No one really had the time, and we couldn't afford therapy. I agree with a PP that a phone call would have been great. Someone thought about me in that moment. Someone simply asking, "Do you want to talk?" and then just listening.

I think it's key to look for those signs which are there, but she may not be saying. For myself, I kept things tucked away, but if you really looked at the situation, it was clear. Just took connecting the dots.

I'm so proud for you for your endeavor; it's really great to hear other people are addressing this from a preventative/healing standpoint. Every day I try to push to remove the stigma around PPD. More moms could get better help if we didn't stigmatize it and then convict them when all goes wrong. Thank you for your service in this matter!! :